Husband is doing my head in- help.

[KatieMcC1989]

AIBU?
We have a 3 month old DD who is everything but my DH is doing my nut in! Few things:

• when he comes home from work, he sits on his phone all evening. I've been on my Todd all day and I feel like he'd honestly rather talk to his mates! He's the kind of person that has to reply instantly when someone texts him. Or he's playing stupid games, or watching live streams of someone playing games. Urgh.
• when he has DD, he hardly interacts with her. Granted he's not great with babies but everything is so f*cking boring. Like doesn't chat to her, would just hold her in front of the TV instead of trying to even play a game. It's like he's embarrassed or something and I ask him not to let her watch the TV but it gets his back up.
• I'm EBF so it's tough on him and DD won't take a bottle. But once I've settled her in bed, I come downstairs and he's usually playing COD with his mates. And it takes me to go in like 4 times to ask him when he'll be done to turn the thing off!

It's such a lonely thing, motherhood. And I even feel lonely when he's home from work. I've tried talking about it with him but he just tells me I'm nagging him. Maybe I am and my tone is off but doesn't he get the picture???? I'm maybe just being hormonal but I honestly get so frustrated with him at the minute and don't know what to do.

I don't buy the 'some men find babies boring when they're little and he will probably be better when the baby is older'.

Lots of people find babies boring, me included. When I had a baby did I enjoy doing baby yoga, singing nursery rhymes, playing peekaboo, looking at the same picture books, building towers and helping them knock them over? Not at all and I'd have much rather just sat on my phone all day. It didn't come naturally to me at all, but I did it, because I'm not a lazy twat and I didn't want my baby to be starved of any interaction and not develop normally, which is essentially what would happen if they were just plonked infront of the tv the whole time. 3 months is old enough to get some smiles and interaction so the 'boring baby' argument doesn't really hold up anyway but my point is it doesn't matter if he finds it boring he still has a responsibility to parent her, and that involves a level of interaction.

Also plenty of men leave all the parenting of older children to the mum because they've consistently checked out so the baby ends up only wanting the mum. And plenty of men with older kids effectively ignore them and sit on their phones all day.

My point is I dont think it's acceptable that he is being a shit parent because it's boring. If parents got to check out of the shit boring bits of parenting they wouldbt be there when their child was sick, needed to practice anything, needs driving places etc etc

Its shit that he called you a nag as well. (I'm assuming you approached it fairly ie saying something about his actions and how it made you feel, such as 'I've seen you've not spoken to the baby all evening, I'm worried you're not bonding' rather than taken a 'you're a shit dad's approach). You're raising a valid concern with him and it does affect you - if he doesnt interact with the baby that means you automatically have to be the one that does all the talking / singing / games etc. and probably feel like you can't have an off day and plonk her infront of the tv for a bit as she will be getting that with her dad later. It's also hurtful if you feel like you have to ask someone to spend time with you and that they would rather be doing something else.

I'm not sure what the answer is though. You can't really change the way someone feels or acts. You can only really tell him how it makes you feel and have boundaries about his behaviour such as moving out if it becomes unacceptable

These gamer types just get more into it,not less. He's calling you a nag too he sounds absent from the relationship.

I hate when women excuse away shitty behaviour from a father who disengages, doesnt support his partner and cant be arsed with the grunt work of having a baby. Women dont get born knowing what to do either...why is it any bloody different? It is bloody hard and exhausting but having a bloke sat their playing on is phone and taking no interest would have made me feel so much worse post partnum

Tbh I don’t see the issue with watching tv with a 3 month old. I got through box set after box set in the early stages of infancy… mixed up with some of the other shit like baby classes (which I hated, and regret attending). The relationship issues between you and him are different though and need addressing away from the context of your child.

OP, you’ve name changed, your replies aren’t highlighted as the OP.

Obviously you’re not being irrational or ‘hormonal’, how did you end up thinking this? I don’t understand why your standards are so low? Your boyfriend is utter shite. How is he rectifying this?

*husband. Ew.

Why is you EBF hard for him? Surely it’s hard on you.

What were you like as a couple before baby? Did he game a lot, text his mates and ignore domestic chores previously. How did you used to interact of an evening? Can you remind him of what you used to enjoy doing together and ask him what's changed? When you were talking about having a child was he really up for it? I'd try and ask him how did he see Parenthood being in his head and how would he say reality is different? Somehow (if you want to stay in this relationship) you need to open a line of communication and start talking about how things are for the both of you and work out if you want to change things....

What did your evenings look like before? Did he always game/text/watch TV?

Often men struggle with very young babies .there is still often a lingering feeling that babies are women's work! Going on his phone and ps4 or whatever is not on .what about weekends .does he interact then take babies out. If not then suggest these things .I think he will become more interested as time goes on .however its not fair on you atm .can you get a babysitter at all .maybe an evening out will reconnect you and he will open up to doing his share.somewhere I read that a first baby is like a hand grenade in a marriage .no one really knows what to expect!

Thanks everyone! And worry about the name change- don't know how I managed to do that but all back to normal now.

So it sort of erupted tonight. He thinks I've been being a dick over the past few days (which I sort of have been based on all the above!!) It was left in tears so when LO goes to sleep tonight we're going to finish up. I think we both have to work on stuff (I have to leave him do it and stop interfering with DD) and he needs to prioritise me and his family. Let's see how that goes...

Im a new mum and my dc is now 8 months.

I fely my partner found it hard to adjust in the first few weeks. He would come home from work and I almost felt like he would do anything to avoid us!

Something just seemed to click around 4 months and their bond grew - he is so good with him now and makes every effort to spend as much time with him as possible.

Just know that things will get easier xx