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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you have accepted this offer, or did we embarrass her?

81 replies

WestendVBroadway · 03/12/2021 18:23

I was in a discount store earlier. There was a lady being served, 1 lady behind her in queue, then me. None of us knew each other. First lady was buying an item that cost less that £1.00. She offered a £10 note. The cashier asked if customer had anything smaller as there was not sufficient change in the till. The customer said she had nothing smaller, and apparently either had no card to use, or choose not to for such a small amount. I said that she could just put it with my stuff and I would happily pay for it. The lady in front of me also offered to pay for it to help her out. The customer said she couldn't accept the kind offer. I suggested she just pay it forward, and other customer said to think of it as a Christmas gift. The original customer quickly disappeared before myself of other lady could pay for it. So , AIBU to think it was just a goodwill thing to do? Would you have accepted it, or was it embarrassing? Just to add there were no other customers around, so we didn't make her look like a charity case.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/12/2021 21:05

Id have declined politely and also disappeared assuming I didn’t really need what it was.

I think it’s lovely to offer but leave it there. No means no.

Peppaismyrolemodel · 03/12/2021 21:05

I’d always offer- someone once paid for my shopping when my mums card was declined (teen), and I was so grateful and also SO embarrassed I couldn’t look at the woman! I think sometimes the more you need the offer of help, the more awkward it feels-

HunterGatherer · 03/12/2021 21:06

I would have offerred and I'd have accepted.
I would also have played it forward.
Your offer was kind.

blameless · 03/12/2021 21:08

@Chikapu

The sentiment was to help someone having a bad day.
The gesture ended up being rather grander than I first assumed, but the money was paid forward. It felt good to be able to do a kindness.
Russell Brand tells a story about giving a beggar a twenty pound note. His friend berated him as the beggar was only going to spend it on drink and drugs. "Well, what was I going to spend it on?" was the reply.

Notthissticky · 03/12/2021 21:09

I'd have both offered and accepted, and have indeed done both in the past. A lady paid my bus fare when my phone wouldn't work, even after the driver had said he'd let me on for free. I still feel guilty about it as in the area I live in the bus is mainly used by those who have free travel and people who can't afford to run a car. I felt like she could afford it much less than me, but it was so kind and I have thanked her again when we been on the same bus again. I paid £0.40 for a teen who was caught short at the local garage. She then walked off without even looking at me, never mind thanking me. I don't expect excessive gratitude but that was just plain rudeness.

CharityDingle · 03/12/2021 21:11

@tillytoodles1

I was in the card shop the day before Mother's Day and a young lad about 14 had bought a card, a Teddy and a mug. He was about 50p short and was going to put something back, but he looked so embarrassed that I told the check out girl I'd pay the difference. I know it was only 50p, but he had a handful of coins and had obviously been saving up.
I did the same one day in a supermarket. Young guy, twelve or thirteen, was short some very small amount for a bottle of water. He had coins, and obviously thought he had enough. He was turning away, deflated, from the till. Aww. And he turned straight around to try to give me back whatever small bit of change he ended up with.
CharityDingle · 03/12/2021 21:13

Someone helped me, one time, years ago where I hadn't realised that the fare on the express bus was slightly more expensive than the ordinary one. I was so grateful. I always try to help since if I see someone stuck.

Original poster
WestendVBroadway · 03/12/2021 21:16

@CinnamonJellyBeans

It's less than a quid.

Hardly a Christmas miracle for the lucky recipient of your largesse .

Personally I'd be embarrassed to tell her "pay it forward" like you've given her a kidney.

Well I never said I was after an MBE for my grand act of kindness, but cheers for the input.
OP posts:
Orchid876 · 03/12/2021 21:21

It's a nice thing to do. I've remembered something that really touched me a few years ago. There was a very long que in Lidl, and only some of the tills were accepting cash. A teenage boy had got in the wrong que, with something like a pint of milk, but only had cash to pay for it. The cashier, rather than being in anyway helpful when the teenage boy got to the end of the que, just told him very gruffly that he was in the wrong que and to go and join the end of the other very long que for the till accepting cash. It wasn't even that obvious which que was which, but as the teenager wasn't a well dressed or well spoken adult, I got the impression the cashier was just being an arse (and as he was a black boy he was possibly also being racist), I doubt he'd have spoken to some of their adult customers the way the boy was spoken to. A very elderly man behind the boy immediately offered to buy the milk for him, and as the boy didn't have the exact change, told him not to worry and that he'd pay for it. I remembered that for a good while, that I should always try and behave like the elderly man and never the cashier, because it was a kind and classy thing to do. We should all be kind in this way if we can, it makes the world a friendlier place. You did a nice thing OP, the recipient can of course decline, but I wouldn't let that stop you offering again if a similar situation were to occur.

user33323 · 03/12/2021 21:21

I've done it before and people have done it for me. I once had someone behind me who was counting out their loose change anxiously over and over and were just buying a value pack of sausage rolls or something, I asked if I could add it on to my shopping for them and they weren't sure what was going on (English second language) but the cashier just picked it up and scanned it and passed it back to them. I was packing my shopping and the guy came over to me to tell me how grateful he was. He said he was having a hard time and that kind gesture had touched him beyond words, he had tears in his eyes and seemed genuinely happy. He spoke to my toddler and told me he had a child the same age in a different country, and asked if he could hug him. Such a tiny gesture on a whim really meant so much, so I don't mind taking the risk of embarrassing someone because you could just as easily help someone out or cheer them up.

I know my autistic sibling would be embarrassed by such a gesture and refuse, but that doesn't mean noone should offer.

Siepie · 03/12/2021 21:44

Like a PP someone once paid for my bus fare on a dark night, and I was very grateful to accept that.

But if it was something I didn't immediately need (or could get elsewhere) I'd have declined your offer. I wouldn't be embarrassed. I would just rather get it next time I went to the shops than take money from a stranger.

AliveAndSleeping · 03/12/2021 21:51

@tillytoodles1

I was in the card shop the day before Mother's Day and a young lad about 14 had bought a card, a Teddy and a mug. He was about 50p short and was going to put something back, but he looked so embarrassed that I told the check out girl I'd pay the difference. I know it was only 50p, but he had a handful of coins and had obviously been saving up.
That's such a sweet story!! Makes me well up for some reason. Blush

Op you did a kind thing. She might not have wanted to accept it for some reason but might appreciate it anyway. Don't feel bad..you didn't do anything wrong. On the contrary.

JudgeJ · 03/12/2021 21:55

@ShanghaiDiva

I would have accepted it as it was a very nice gesture. Not embarrassing imo.
I would have done the same thing and would also have accepted the offer. Many years ago I was putting petrol in and a young man was having problems at the window, he'd gone 5p over and only had a £5 note (it was a long long time ago!), eventually I put £4.95 in my tank and the attendant did the card copy for £5. I've just realised that this will make absolutely no sense to the majority who never used the original swipe machines!
StellaGibson118 · 03/12/2021 22:05

I struggle with this stuff but for under a pound yes I would have, unless it wasn't something I really needed.

In the past when I was mentally ill there's literally no way on Earth I would have because it would have made me anxious.

Thatldo · 04/12/2021 17:08

I would have accepted,thanking very much and with humour asked her:do you come here often so I can repay you.

Harmonypuss · 04/12/2021 17:54

I would offer, and have in the past, I've had surprised faces but never been turned down.

As for accepting??? I'm a very stubborn, independent person and would find it hard to accept but if I could bring myself to accept, I'd pay it forward at the first opportunity.

MMUmum · 04/12/2021 18:17

There is a known scam where small price items are paid for with a high value note, the note is a forgery or is dishonest money, customer gets the change and shop is stuck with dodgy note.

Celestine70 · 04/12/2021 18:38

I would have accepted, thanked her graciously and then passed it on. But people are different. How did it resolve?

AngelonTopoftheTree · 04/12/2021 18:49

@MMUmum

There is a known scam where small price items are paid for with a high value note, the note is a forgery or is dishonest money, customer gets the change and shop is stuck with dodgy note.
I hardly think of 10 as a high value note, it's the second lowest. If it was 50+ I could understand. Many years ago I was selling a car, was paid in cash with €500 notes. I hadn't a clue if they were real or not so went into a bank to ask them, but they didn't know either😆 I accepted them and used them to buy my next car. As far a I know they were legit. I think they've stopped 500 euro notes now.
Bertiebiscuit · 04/12/2021 19:04

I would have accepted gracefully, and remembering this kindness, would have gone out of my way to do a favour to someone very soon - a little kindness goes a long way and isn't at all embarrassing to my mind

AngelonTopoftheTree · 04/12/2021 19:16

Also to say OP, you were very kind to offer!

Igmum · 04/12/2021 21:06

This actually happened to me! I was in JFK airport years ago with DD3 waiting for a late flight home and thought I would spend our last few holiday dollars getting DD a little something. She chose a toy monkey. I went to pay and of course I'd forgotten that in the US they add sales tax. I think I was less than 50 cents short but I just didn't have it. Then the lovely man behind me in the queue paid. I accepted and I felt so grateful (that monkey was a popular toy for quite a while). So don't stop doing those nice things OP

wannalivelikecommonpeople · 04/12/2021 21:14

That was kind of you to offer. Poor lady obviously felt embarrassed

But how did
The shop not have £9 in the float? Stupid

DeeperDownTheRabbitHole · 04/12/2021 21:15

@ShanghaiDiva

I would have accepted it as it was a very nice gesture. Not embarrassing imo.
It was a kind offer if one person had offered to pay. The fact that both of you offered to pay, made it into a thing. This brought more attention to the gesture than you may realise. However well-intended. We never know a person's circumstances, so it's very difficult to judge what would offend or embarrass another human being. We are all so different. Life's experiences from the cradle to the grave, determine your ability to deal with social situations.

Don't stop being kind because this happened, it was a lovely gesture.

Derkle · 04/12/2021 23:29

I would have accepted it. It was a good will gesture and clearly she had the money to pay for it. So it's not like you were going "Here you go poor person, let me rub in your lack of money" (Not that I believe people who pay it forward are actually thinking like that. But some people would have that mentality/pride)