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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL buying lots of presents

73 replies

hoomama · 03/12/2021 11:33

My MIL spends about £250+ on each of my kids at Xmas. They are 4 & 18 months.

It doesn't actually bother me any more as it's nice for the girls to have lots of things but it is a bit excessive and also we definitely can't afford to spend that much. We spend maybe £50 on the youngest about about £100 on the eldest.

On Xmas day they wake up to about 3 sacks of presents off MIL and one from us. It feels little bit like she is trying to out-do us but I know it comes from a good place and that she's just excited.

How would you feel about being "out done" by someone else at Xmas?

OP posts:
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 03/12/2021 12:30

We have two sets of generous grandparents, plus big families. We save our money for extra curricular activities and holidays etc. No one 'outdoes' each other.

RockinHorseShit · 03/12/2021 12:31

YANBU, this would pee me off too

Can you compromise where her gifts are from Santa, bar 1 & same with yours, or ask her to buy less plastics for the sake of the kids futures on this planet & if she wants to give more put them rest into a trust fund for Uni

Play8063 · 03/12/2021 12:31

If she's well meaning and excited, consider leaving it and just putting items you don't want in a "present box" to be re-gifted. My mum and grandma used this trick for years, saved money and didnt P anyone off.

Play8063 · 03/12/2021 12:31

[but if you do this just remember who gave what so you don't regift to someone who will let them know!!!!]

NellieBertram · 03/12/2021 12:36

She just wants to spend the money, so I'd be honest with her and say you don't have the space for lots of big toys.
I'd be really specific about what you/they would like - maybe one expensive big ticket toy each and then ask for clothes in the next size up from an expensive shop and days out.
£250 of say, a toy kitchen, a micro scooter, some outfits from Boden, and zoo tickets would be better than lots of big plastic toys.

NellieBertram · 03/12/2021 12:37

Basically just ask for really expensive stuff then you'll get less of it!

MrsDSalvatore · 03/12/2021 12:40

I could have written this about my own mother.. She has bought alot more presents for our 2 year olds than we have. It is annoying as it seems like she is trying to out do us but I just think more fool her. I don't have to spend as much, they're 2 so have no idea who they are from and she can keep them in her house an put up with the mess 😁

She weren't the greatest mother so I put it down to her trying to be a better grandparent, even though there definitely is an element of her doing it to out do me 🙄

Leave her to it an save your money

DiamondBright · 03/12/2021 12:45

I had to say something, the amount of presents my mother and Inlaws were buying got completely out of hand to the point that it ruined my Christmas morning, just the thought of finding somewhere to put it all upset me.

It was competitive and unnecessary. I approached it from that angle, just not having room for it all and they did respond, thankfully more grandchildren came along which also helped.

Sally872 · 03/12/2021 12:50

I think it depends on the spirit of the gift

A) a granny who can't help but spoil her grandkids as she gets excited every time she sees something they will like

B) granny always has to be best and more important/special and likes to show off.

Sounds like yours is more first type so wouldn't bother me. (Other than storage/waste). Also as they grow and toys get smaller but stuff more expensive you'll find it more useful.

CasaBonita · 03/12/2021 12:53

No this would annoy me. There is NO need for 3 sack fulls of shite.

My MIL asks for gift ideas and I tell her 1 or 2 items and that's plenty as ours also gets 1 sack from us and other gifts from family.

Just tell her to rein it in!!

HappyMeal564 · 03/12/2021 12:56

I hate this, mine spend no time at all with us, only respond when I contact them, never the other way round then suddenly at Christmas they spend an obscene amount of money on the children. I wish they'd spend time with us all instead of spending all the money on the kids

MrsLarry · 03/12/2021 12:58

Aww, let them spoil their grandchildren. Choose your battles OP.

Holly60 · 03/12/2021 12:59

@hoomama

Sorry, don't know what I'm doing 😂😂. Vouchers for days out would be amazing.

The house gets full of stuff. A lot of it useful but also a lot of it pointless plastic toys that get played with once. I've given some away towards the end of this year!

I would definitely not read it as her trying to out-do you. It will just be that she now has more disposable income and wants to spoil the children.

I will admit to the fact that now I am a granny I love to be able to spend that money on my DGC. It’s what I wished I could do when my children were small, but couldn’t afford to. I see it as showing my DC how much I love them still by buying for their babies.

However, with the environment as it is, I am definitely starting to move away from buying ‘stuff’. Could you use that as a reason to ask MIL if she would think about vouchers for activities etc?

She sounds like she loves you all very much

BarbaraofSeville · 03/12/2021 12:59

@NellieBertram

Basically just ask for really expensive stuff then you'll get less of it!
Good idea, it might work unless she's one of the 'need to make a massive pile' types Sad.

I'm just getting more and more dispairing about the amount of people who have to buy so much stuff and can't just stick to one well chosen item, without adding a load of bits to it 'to make it look like more'. It's exhausting, so wasteful and stressful for people like the OP who have to find space for it all.

DappledThings · 03/12/2021 13:01

We asked PIL a few years ago to buy just one present. They haven't quite done that but only get 2 per child now which is great.

We were totally honest about it and said DC were just overwhelmed. They had seen that themselves, there was so much cajoling of them to open more and more they just weren't interested in.

We showed them how they as they givers would get so much more out of seeing DC open one present and really appreciate it and it was a winning tactic!

SeaToSki · 03/12/2021 13:03

Firstly if she is such a wonderful MiL then you should be able to have a conversation with her about how you would prefer zoo or lego land memberships so that she can take the dc there and you cant afford them yourselves, or you are worried about paying for university and can she buy them two items each and save the rest for them.

If hat just isnt going to work then would MIL notice if all the toys werent there? Is she there when they open them?

I would (if you can finagle it) swipe some less obvious gifts out of the sacks before the dc open them and stash them to resell/regift/use for their birthdays from you/pretend they are from Santa or you etc etc

yikesanotherbooboo · 03/12/2021 13:04

My sil and mil used to do this ; the children loved it and I loved the fact that they were so lucky to have two such generous women who loved them. It didn't mean that they didn't love my DPs who would give them a pair of pyjamas or a sweat shirt. I didn't see it as a competition and certainly didn't lavish hundreds of pounds on the DC unless it was for a particular reason eg laptop needed for school or whatever.

Ozanj · 03/12/2021 13:04

If your kids love it and you know it comes from a good place then just ignore it. She clearly loves her gc very much and eventually they will get old enough to make lists etc so at that point you can then ask her for specific things & it won’t burn bridges because the request game from gc.

SeaToSki · 03/12/2021 13:04

Sorry press post too soon. If you use her gifts as your gifts, you can then out the money you would have spent into a savings account for them, so it all balances out in the end

Ozanj · 03/12/2021 13:06

@SeaToSki

Firstly if she is such a wonderful MiL then you should be able to have a conversation with her about how you would prefer zoo or lego land memberships so that she can take the dc there and you cant afford them yourselves, or you are worried about paying for university and can she buy them two items each and save the rest for them.

If hat just isnt going to work then would MIL notice if all the toys werent there? Is she there when they open them?

I would (if you can finagle it) swipe some less obvious gifts out of the sacks before the dc open them and stash them to resell/regift/use for their birthdays from you/pretend they are from Santa or you etc etc

This is quite possibly the grabbiest, grinchiest post I’ve seen. The answer here is for Op to buy less not for her to resell the things mil gets for the kids.
NadjaofAntipaxos · 03/12/2021 13:18

Oh god I feel your pain. My MIL asks me what my two primary-aged children would like for Xmas. I give her a range of options in different price brackets, or a general interest like Lego, or anything Harry Potter related and she lets me know what she has chosen so I don't duplicate. Nice things that they have asked for or clothes from shops she knows I usually buy their things from (with gift receipt to exchange if need). Perfect! Doesn't need to be pricey. Happy with a book if it's something that they will like.

DM on the other hand buys loads of absolute cheap plastic tat that is vaguely fun for a day then gets forgotten. When I have asked her in the past what she has bought them, so I don't duplicate, she refuses to answer and just says "surprises!". They then open cheap underwear and socks with random cartoon characters on, when I have bought them nice stuff related to their interests that then has to go back to the shop as nobody needs 20 pairs of knickers and DM doesn't keep receipts and buys loads of stuff off random markets.
I have tried to explain we don't have the room. I've said it would be better if she bought one thing for less money. I've asked if she would like to contribute to buy the kids tickets for us all to go on a special day out and I will cover all the grown up tickets and lunch. But no, every year it's piles of shite and I'm made to feel ungrateful and snobby when I gently try to ask she does it differently this year .
It's about her as the giver rather than the children's enjoyment or helping the parents out by buying useful gifts which is how MIL views it.

She also does things differently for my brothers (golden) children. I mentioned some Harry Potter underwear in M&S I thought DD would like, but no, it's far too expensive. She has bought nephew a Harry Potter ONESIE from there though!
I do feel mean (and snobby and ungrateful). It makes me dread getting her gifts.

bez91 · 03/12/2021 13:20

Yeah @SleepingStandingUp she only ends up with an orange if she's lucky 🙄😱

SleepingStandingUp · 03/12/2021 15:14

@bez91

Yeah *@SleepingStandingUp* she only ends up with an orange if she's lucky 🙄😱
At least it's not coal underher pillow I suppose. DS is adamant that's where Santa puts it
SleepingStandingUp · 03/12/2021 15:20

I would (if you can finagle it) swipe some less obvious gifts out of the sacks before the dc open them and stash them to resell/regift/use for their birthdays from you/pretend they are from Santa or you etc etc
Resell and give the money to the kids/ regift and "pay" the kids for them is fine imo, but pretending they're off you or Santa is just petty and ridiculous

ChooChooSan · 03/12/2021 15:23

I find it pathetic but what can you su without being a Grinch. It does stop as the kids age ime. My DH did tell his mum to stop buying him underwear in the sales for every Christmas parcel , so even he drew a line.
Really it would be better to be honest early on but some families can't manage this and as an in-law I leave them to it.