Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my DP would spend my birthday with me?

39 replies

hellopicklesticks · 03/12/2021 10:54

It's my birthday in a couple of weeks. I've had the day booked off from work for around 6 weeks. This time of year my DP does a pre-planned activity on certain dates. One of these dates falls on my birthday. It seems he never even considered spending the day with me. We spoke about it around a month ago, he said he'd cancel that date. I mentioned it last night, turns out he didn't cancel after all, but told me he would if I really wanted him to. Feels like he's trying to guilt trip me into not making a fuss. It's not a big birthday or anything, but I absolutely wouldn't do my own thing if my DP had booked his birthday off work. Holidays are very few and far between at my work, so 'wasting' a day off is something I avoid.
I told him to forget cancelling his activity, if he didn't do it a month ago when he said he would, he obviously doesn't want to.
Looks like I'll be spending my birthday alone. My other option was to spend the day with my mum, but she leaves for work at 11am and she's not allowed to book holiday this time of year. AIBU to feel sad that my DP doesn't want to spend my birthday with me? I will instead be alone at home until he gets home at around 6pm.

YABU - you're a grown up, birthdays don't matter
YANBU - birthdays shouldn't be spent alone

OP posts:
ginslinger · 03/12/2021 10:57

I'm sorry you feel sad about it - do you usually spend birthdays together? I love my birthday and I would hate it if DH didn't spend the day with me but everyone is different. Maybe you could go to work and not waste the holiday?

Coldenoughforyou · 03/12/2021 10:58

Will you be spending the evening together doing something nice?

starrynight87 · 03/12/2021 10:59

I would communicate to your partner that you are upset and find out why he didn't cancel the activity. I would be hurt.

PurpleDaisies · 03/12/2021 11:00

I would just celebrate a different day/in the evening.

Cinderella121 · 03/12/2021 11:01

YANBU and have my sympathies, December birthdays are the worst!! Mine always seems to fall on OH’s Xmas party and then I feel like I can’t make him miss out so never get a proper on the day birthday celebration.
Is he going to take you out another day ? I would expect that at the very least, and could he make an effort to celebrate around this activity ? A nice breakfast or lunch ?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/12/2021 11:02

I think he was daft to say he would cancel his pre booked activity if he didnt actually want to do it.

The better thing to do here would be to communicate with each other properly in advance-

Hey, planning on booking my birthday off you free that day,
No, I'm at X. What a pain, would have been nice to spend the day together but im already committed. How about dinner that night and we spend the day together the day after?
Sure, I'll book the day after off

Done.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/12/2021 11:02

I don't take the day off on my birthday unless I have something specific planned for that day. Could you opt to work and book a good restaurant for the evening?

GodIsAVegan · 03/12/2021 11:03

This time of year my DP does a pre-planned activity on certain dates.

Is he an Elf or Santa? 😂

It’s rubbish that he said he’d cancel and didn’t so I can see why you’d be annoyed, especially as he now only seems to be offering insincerely.

I don’t really make a big thing of my birthday though so it wouldn’t personally bother me, I’d just go to work as normal or do something myself if I wanted to. But the fact that he said he’d be with you and didn’t bother to sort it when it’s obviously important to you is a shitty thing to do.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 03/12/2021 11:03

Have a nice breakfast out with your mum, chill for the afternoon catching up on TV your DP doesn't like, celebrate with him in the evening.

DPotter · 03/12/2021 11:07

Don't sit at home moping about - have a plan for the day.
Try an art or craft class, visit an exhibition or even give back the holiday day and go to work and book a day when you can both be off.

Fatgalslim · 03/12/2021 11:08

I've never taken a day off for my own birthday so I'm in the 'you're a grown up' camp.

ErickBroch · 03/12/2021 11:12

He sounds like a twat.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/12/2021 11:17

YARBU, I had a shit birthday this year. Booking the day off for both of us will be compulsory next year. Life is too short for miserable birthdays.

Original poster
hellopicklesticks · 03/12/2021 11:18

Oh my goodness thank you for so many kind messages already. I've never posted before so wasn't sure what to expect. I do still get excited about birthdays, whether it's mine or someone else's. It's a shame about the dates clashing, DP does only get to do his activity maybe 4 times a year and only in November / December so I can see why he doesn't want to miss out. I would love to spend a morning out with my mum, she has an eating disorder so a nice breakfast out isn't an option sadly. It would make her so uncomfortable. I very much like the thought of hogging the TV for the day. I was thinking about just taking myself out for a coffee but I'm not sure it would be enjoyable with covid rules back again.
Perhaps a takeaway in the evening with DP will be enough, and we have my works xmas party the following day (fingers crossed) so we can have a nice time there too.

I had thought about cancelling the day off, it's the last day I have to use this year, my work is extremely strict on booking with 2 weeks notice so I wouldn't have enough time to book another day off.

We would normally spend birthdays together if the birthday person has booked the day off work, that's our sort of signal to the other that we'd like to do something on the day.

Thank you for your advice, I hope I've covered any questions asked

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 03/12/2021 11:19

I’m not voting either way. I don’t think I’d be particularly bothered because my birthday isn’t really a thing. But, I’d always spend the day with DH if he wasn’t working on his birthday. I certainly don’t think you should be feeling like you’re in the wrong because it bothers you. He knows that it is important to you, and that’s the only thing that matters here.

So I think he has been really bloody selfish.

jendifer · 03/12/2021 11:20

Celebrate with friends? Do things you enjoy? I like working on my birthday as I enjoy seeing colleagues and celebrating with them then having special dinner or something with DH too. Is that an option?

Ohpulltheotherone · 03/12/2021 11:25

If this was a one off and my partner was otherwise really kind and considerate then I’d let it go if they had a preplanned activity fall on my bday.
If however they were usually a selfish arse who did this sort of thing all the time then I’d be upset and I’d be reconsidering the future of the relationship.

If he’s otherwise nice, let him treat you to a nice dinner or a day out at the weekend and take yourself off during the day to get nails done, cinema, shoe shopping, coffee and cake - whatever you find enjoyable.

Pyewackect · 03/12/2021 11:26

@Fatgalslim

I've never taken a day off for my own birthday so I'm in the 'you're a grown up' camp.
Me too.
Original poster
hellopicklesticks · 03/12/2021 11:56

Thanks everyone. DP isn't someone who gets excited for birthdays so can't see it from my perspective. I'm going to enjoy the day for what it is and then use my work xmas party the following night to celebrate.
Thank you, I really needed some outside views Smile

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 03/12/2021 12:03

We would normally spend birthdays together if the birthday person has booked the day off work, that's our sort of signal to the other that we'd like to do something on the day.
This makes it a crappy thing to do. Would he be hurt if you did the same?

RaisedByPangolins · 03/12/2021 12:05

It’s not about the birthday per se, it’s the disappointment of him offering to do something and then not doing it. Hope you have a lovely day doing exactly as you please FlowersCakeBrew

girlmom21 · 03/12/2021 12:10

I don't think you should be annoyed at him really considering you're the one who's told him not to bother cancelling.

Don't tell someone you're not upset if you are.

Go to the cinema and have a nice lunch and go window shopping. He can make up for it another day.

Pawprintpaper · 03/12/2021 12:11

It’s a shame he didn’t communicate better about the fixed event, otherwise you could have delayed the day off together to another day near to your actual birthday. Don’t waste your day off now, do something lovely and treat yourself, and hold him to a good night/day out at a later date.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/12/2021 12:13

I voted YABU but don't agree with "grown up birthdays don't matter" they do but I don't see why he needs to cancel his day plans when you can do something in the evening

phoenixrosehere · 03/12/2021 12:15

I couldn’t vote. It is completely dependent on what the birthday person wants.

I celebrate my birthdays by traveling or doing something I enjoy alone. I wouldn’t want my DH and/or sons (7 asd and a 4 yo whose a bolter/runner) there because I know I would have to accommodate them. I like to stick to a set schedule and having to add in numerous food and bathroom breaks means time is limited and I don’t get to do all that I want. My DH also WFH so it’s about the only time I get to myself. My DH would want to have a meal together for his birthday and we discuss when and what he wants for the meal.

Swipe left for the next trending thread