Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU to think my DP would spend my birthday with me?

39 replies

hellopicklesticks · 03/12/2021 10:54

It's my birthday in a couple of weeks. I've had the day booked off from work for around 6 weeks. This time of year my DP does a pre-planned activity on certain dates. One of these dates falls on my birthday. It seems he never even considered spending the day with me. We spoke about it around a month ago, he said he'd cancel that date. I mentioned it last night, turns out he didn't cancel after all, but told me he would if I really wanted him to. Feels like he's trying to guilt trip me into not making a fuss. It's not a big birthday or anything, but I absolutely wouldn't do my own thing if my DP had booked his birthday off work. Holidays are very few and far between at my work, so 'wasting' a day off is something I avoid.
I told him to forget cancelling his activity, if he didn't do it a month ago when he said he would, he obviously doesn't want to.
Looks like I'll be spending my birthday alone. My other option was to spend the day with my mum, but she leaves for work at 11am and she's not allowed to book holiday this time of year. AIBU to feel sad that my DP doesn't want to spend my birthday with me? I will instead be alone at home until he gets home at around 6pm.

YABU - you're a grown up, birthdays don't matter
YANBU - birthdays shouldn't be spent alone

OP posts:

Bookworm20 · 03/12/2021 12:17

I think its the fact that you booked the day off work and he knew this and had agreed to spend it with you is a bit rubbish. He is also not going to work, but doing an activity instead which to me is saying he would rather do the activity than something with you on your birthday.
He has basically blown you off to do the activity because it happens to fall on the same day.

So no wonder you are feeling a bit miffed about it. I think its pretty crap of him.
Fine if he couldn't get the day off work, thats enirely a different matter, but he does have the day off work and is choosing to do something else. On your birthday.

Ok so the activity he only gets to do it 3-4 times a year. But your birthday is 1 day a year, so that leaves him with 3 other days to do his activity.

The fact he also said he'd cancel if you wanted him to can understand why you're upset. It doesn't suggest he wants to spend it with you, it suggests he will if he has to.

No idea, but if it was my DP i'd be upset for those reasons. I don't really do birthdays much anyway but if i'd booked a day off especially and got shrugged off like that I would feel a bit unimportant. The exact opposite of what you should feel on your birthday really.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/12/2021 12:20

Do something lovely on your own?

I don’t have a DP so that’s what I did. Didn’t feel like a waste of a day off!

RobertsRadio · 03/12/2021 12:22

Could you go away for the night and spend the day shopping, exploring with a nice lunch out somewhere. Don't know where you are in the country, but Bath would be lovely for an overnight stay, or London, Ludlow, York, Dorchester for example.

Helpstopthepain · 03/12/2021 12:27

Is he Santa?

I didn’t vote because although I don’t mind not doing anything on my birthday, I’m not you.

I would go for a nice long walk on the beach/woods/park and have a pamper day. Get takeaway in the evening.

malificent7 · 03/12/2021 12:28

Basically he was too cowardly to tell you the truth - that he'd rather take a day doing his activity...hence the "miscommunication."

simpledeer · 03/12/2021 12:33

This activity he can only do this time of year? Is he Santa?

Anyway, I would be mightily fucked off but I am someone who makes a HUGE FUCKING DEAL out of their birthday.

Do you have friends you can spend some time with during the day? Go for lunch or coffee and cake?

Cryalot2 · 03/12/2021 12:41

I would let him know how you feel. Though he should understand now.
But tell him by all means to go do whatever.

You can't even win, he wants to do his thing and you would like him to spend time together on your birthday.

Happy birthday and hope you enjoy.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 03/12/2021 12:53

Seriously men can be so selfish. I'd certainly have something to say about it.

PrincessNutella · 03/12/2021 13:03

I could see it either way. If it is an activity he only gets to do a few times a year, that;s one thing. Also, if it takes up the evenng, too.

oviraptor21 · 03/12/2021 13:36

Ok so the activity he only gets to do it 3-4 times a year. But your birthday is 1 day a year, so that leaves him with 3 other days to do his activity.

But the birthday can be celebrated on another day - maybe the activity can't.
The communication on both parts wasn't great because neither pinned the other down on their exact plans.

gannett · 03/12/2021 13:42

If he said he'd cancel he should've cancelled. And if he forgot he should've grovelled for forgetting.

If his activity couldn't have been rearranged for another day he should've said that, and it would have been fine to celebrate your birthday on another day. I think insisting your birthday celebrations have to be on the day itself is a bit precious. That would have allowed you to book a different day off work. This would have been the best solution - he gets his activity AND you get a special day.

But this isn't really about whether you think adult birthdays are special. I don't, but if I wanted to make ANY plans with DP, had booked a day off work to do so, told him that and had his agreement, then I'd expect him to stick to that.

lovemelongtime · 03/12/2021 14:15

So if you have got your works do the next day , why not take some time for yourself - get your hair or your nails done or go to town and buy something nice to wear (perhaps DH could pay for this :-) even better ! Enjoy yourself if you can.

tallduckandhandsome · 03/12/2021 14:22

If he makes no effort on your birthday I wouldn’t make any effort on his either.

You don’t always need to be the bigger person.

icedcoffees · 03/12/2021 14:24

He shouldn't have told you he'd cancel his activity, but I do think it was a bit unreasonable of you to expect that of him in the first place - it's not like he's just decided to go for a run (or whatever), it's something that's pre-planned well in advance.

I would just celebrate your birthday on another day and enjoy a takeaway or something in the evening. It's my birthday next week and both DH and I are working all day so we'll celebrate the next day, it's no big deal :)

Flip

1 2