AIBU about

[SkateboardInTheNet]

As a bit of background… I did well at school, went to uni, worked hard and did well in my career (private sector - not a doctor / nurse / teacher or anything like that) until I had kids and then became a stay at home mum. I had intended to go back to work (maybe different industry / role) but I haven’t, and now my youngest has started school, I’m not sure that I intend to.

I help my husband a little with his business (all our money is shared), but in our house it really is very much a traditional old-fashioned split of labour - I do ALL the home / child-related stuff, and my husband goes out to work. If you’d told me in my teens or 20’s, maybe even 30’s that I’d live that life, the feminist in me would have been screaming. However, it works really well for us and I am very content. We have no extravagant tastes - and we live very comfortably on my husband’s income - kids at good state school, nice but not flashy holidays etc … just very “normal” middle-class suburbia. You might say “dull” but it works for us. We have no local family or other support if that matters as my husband is from another country and my parents live on the other side of the country.

So - my mum is forever dropping hints about when will I go back to work, what I could retrain as, why don’t I “get a cleaner and go to work”, and how everyone else she knows manages to deal with a family and work at the same time etc. She’s clearly quite annoyed at me not working - not sure whether it’s the “waste” of the effort I put in pre-kids, or a feminist thought that I should be able to “do it all” rather than just what works for us, or something else that I don’t understand. She always worked through my childhood if that matters, but my dad was a teacher so we always had someone home during the holidays - and things like the 48hr rule on sickness etc didn’t exist.

It culminated as the weekend with her saying that I shouldn’t be staying at home cleaning the house (I don’t actually clean much!!) and should be out doing a job to exercise my brain. I replied that people mainly worked because they “had” to - either to get by or to satisfy the lifestyle which they feel comfortable with. She rather crossly said she didn’t want to discuss it any more - and so I couldn’t go into further detail.

So AIBU in saying that aside from people who have a real vocation and love their jobs - most people work because they “have to” to sustain whatever lifestyle is comfortable enough for them (whether that is just getting by, or Caribbean holidays & private schools) rather than because they actively want to go to work? Am I very unusual in not feeling like I need my “own” paying work to be fulfilled?

… and AIBU in taking the “easy” option of staying at home when I could be making our family’s life much more complicated to have my own “worth” contributing to society if that’s not something that feels important to me?

Why is your mother involved in your life decisions at all? Who the hell is she to tell you how you ought to be living your life? If you're happy and your family is happy, that's all that matters. I'd be telling dear mum to wind her neck in.

I think you have every right to make whatever decision works for you and your family.

Having said that, I think for a lot of parents, seeing their child doing what they consider to be something that requires little thought and effort, especially if they worked hard to provide so that the child could go to good schools, uni etc, is hard. Our family know three families where the wife is a qualified and successful doctor or lawyer who has largely become a stay at home parent and my parents find it very difficult. My dadi in particular says he can't understand how they can work so hard, spend all that money training (there's a cost in our country) and then just stop.

Also, your mum might be worried about your long term financial future and whether you have sufficient for that as an individual or as a family.

My mother is the same. When it comes to all the effort and cost, that went into my education - that was borne by me. Alone.

All my mother is worried about, is bragging rights.

So basically, I don't give a flying fuck what my mother thinks, and her input into how I live my life, is effectively zero. She's never said anything upfront, just passive aggressive digs - e.g. when I told her that my DD had scored interviews for med school, saying she hoped that she wouldn't waste her brain and education.

Tell her you work a chat line at lunchtime so can she stop nagging...

Thanks for your replies - I do fully intend ignore her and do what I think works for us 😃.

The point about her worrying about my future is probably true - but I would have hoped she knew me well enough to trust in my ability to manage that.

I’m really interested in the bigger picture thought too. People talk about early retirement or leaving work when they “win the lottery” etc - so at what point does it become “ok” to not want to work?

For me, if you’re happy with the lifestyle that you can sustain, then it’s all good… but is that a normal view or am I just trying to justify to myself?

Haha. That’s brilliant.

@mbosnz

My mother is the same. When it comes to all the effort and cost, that went into my education - that was borne by me. Alone.

All my mother is worried about, is bragging rights.

So basically, I don't give a flying fuck what my mother thinks, and her input into how I live my life, is effectively zero. She's never said anything upfront, just passive aggressive digs - e.g. when I told her that my DD had scored interviews for med school, saying she hoped that she wouldn't waste her brain and education.

That’s really sad. I am fortunate that my parents were super-supportive when I was growing up… but there probably is a bit of bragging rights in it too.

It's probably that she's a bit worried about your financial security, but do you think there might be a chance she's a bit jealous? I would absolutely live to give up work, but can't because we are terrible with money and dp doesn't earn enough to keep us. I absolutely admit that I'm jealous of men and women who don't have to work because their partner is a high earner.

It sounds like it's all working for you as a family at the moment and therefore why not continue as you are? You could volunteer, study or retrain if you wanted to stretch yourself without committing to full time work, or take a bigger part in your DHs business, which might give you the flexibility with school, illnesses etc that an employed job might not.

However, your security is a little 'eggs in one basket' and I'd probably be concerned about the position you'd be in if you divorced or your DH died, also what are your pension arrangements?

If any of those happened, you probably wouldn't want to work with your ex, and would your DHs business disappear if he died? Worth thinking about, as would contributing to a private pension in your name if you're not already doing that.

I’m not sure. I think I’d be incredibly disappointed if my children thought it was ok to not work and let someone else ‘keep them’. Whether the money is needed or not, letting someone else take responsibility for all your finances seems reckless. Winning the lottery or similar is a different situation. I’d also feel the same about one of them letting their partner do all the domestic work.

Ahh, I get this from DM particularly if she has been out with friends, I do work but her friends children earn more, mostly men with little caring responsibilities. I did earn more but changed industries to a lower paying job but more family friendly with a better life balance. She doesn't know the extent of the salary drop just that I no longer get the bonuses, etc.

By constraint, DMIL keeps asking me when I'm going to give up work.

Just to add, I realise it would be none of my business and I’d keep my thoughts to myself but it wouldn’t stop me feeling that way!

Have you got young or older children. My SIL doesn't work and doesn't need to but in all honesty I wonder what she'll do when the youngest no longer needs her for day to day things. She is incredibly bright so I do think it must be quite boring for her.

Sorry just saw your op and your youngest must be only 4/5? I think it is not exactly shocking at that age I think it is more when they reach 8/9 that secondary school is on the horizon and teenagers do need you to be there for them but as they get closer to 16 it is typical that they will be more independent and you are not needed as much. By then is it too late to re-enter the world of work.

@NotAnotherPushyMum

I’m not sure. I think I’d be incredibly disappointed if my children thought it was ok to not work and let someone else ‘keep them’. Whether the money is needed or not, letting someone else take responsibility for all your finances seems reckless. Winning the lottery or similar is a different situation. I’d also feel the same about one of them letting their partner do all the domestic work.

Thank you - that’s exactly the sort of insight I wanted to understand. I’m not sure how I would feel if I wasn’t actually the person involved.

If it helps, the business does do better for the little help I give, and my husband does pull his weight when he’s at home. However I pull my weight at home, and making sure the kids are where they are supposed to be. Given he’s not a native-English speaker or particularly interested in education means I can add value there where he can not. We were equal earners previously - and it feels “equal” just different types of contributions.

… but I guess it’s more of a feeling of it not being - and I understand that.

I recognise that if everything went “pop”, he would clearly be in a better job position than me, but we have enough assets to not send me into destitution if I had to rebuild my life.

If you're happy then that's fine & ignore your mother.

However I work by choice, most people I know do.

I have 3 DDs and they are all very well educated. We supported that in every way that we could so that when they set off on their adult lives they would have choices.

They could stay at home or pursue a career or do something in between. Their lives; their choices.

Our gift was supporting them to have the tools to have choices.

I too had a good education but chose to have 5 years at home with my children before re-engaging with outside work. I loved that time and do not regard it as wasted. My education also informed what I did with my children - they were always fascinated when I could tell them the derivation of words from Latin.

Your Mum is being totally daft - ignore her.

It’s great that you and your family have found a set up that works so well for you all. However, YABU to suggest that people only work because they have to. Lots of people work through choice! Just because it’s a not choice that you would make doesn’t mean it’s not a valid one. But definitely ignore your mother’s unhelpful comments.

It is also worth remembering that time at home with children is a mere drop in the ocean compared with the rest of your working life. There will be opportunities to work and pursue a career waiting for you in the fulness of time.

When I used to apply for jobs, I always used my time at home with the children as a career positive and highlighted what I had learned from that time and from the children themselves.

YANBU, very few people work for any other reason than they have to earn an income to survive. (Any work you enjoy ceases to become work, it's just a paid hobby. A top guitarist who earns a fortune is just fortunate that they can make money out of their hobby.)

If your setup works and you're happy with it, there's no reason to change.

There are so many threads of women seeing their world collapse when they find out their perfect husband has lived a life of lies and after years of dedicating themselves to the family, supporting the business and giving up their career, end up, even with half of everything with nothing more than the prospect of renting and mnw. Worse when husband is self employed and can manipulate the figures to give little maintenance.

The idea of finding myself in this situation is enough to have never wanted to be a sahm. Add that I do think mental stimulation is quite essential to healthy well being, I would t want either of my kids to be so long term.

Saying that, your choices are your business, not that of your mum.

However, your security is a little 'eggs in one basket' and I'd probably be concerned about the position you'd be in if you divorced or your DH died, also what are your pension arrangements?

This is exactly what would worry me. I’m currently on mat leave with my 3rd DC and will be taking an extra year off after due to childcare costs, we’ve had 3 DC in 4 years so childcare would cost a fortune. But once the middle DC is eligible for the 30 free hours I will be looking at starting back at work part-time. I don’t think it’s sensible to be out of work for too long, if anything happens, even with life insurance etc, I would still need a job at some point and taking too long out would make that more difficult. Having said that, as I teach it isn’t quite as difficult for us having 2 working parents as I can still cover all school holidays. I get that it’s far more difficult if you have to cover school holidays, especially with no family close by.

I do think making yourself financially dependent on a partner is risky. You could be put on a limb if something g happened to your partner or the marriage broke down. And work can be a lifeline in more ways than just financially.

Maybe she's pissed off she spent all that money on your education, however your kids are still young

@Fomofo

Maybe she's pissed off she spent all that money on your education, however your kids are still young

Yes that’s probably part of it too.