AIBU about

[SkateboardInTheNet]

As a bit of background… I did well at school, went to uni, worked hard and did well in my career (private sector - not a doctor / nurse / teacher or anything like that) until I had kids and then became a stay at home mum. I had intended to go back to work (maybe different industry / role) but I haven’t, and now my youngest has started school, I’m not sure that I intend to.

I help my husband a little with his business (all our money is shared), but in our house it really is very much a traditional old-fashioned split of labour - I do ALL the home / child-related stuff, and my husband goes out to work. If you’d told me in my teens or 20’s, maybe even 30’s that I’d live that life, the feminist in me would have been screaming. However, it works really well for us and I am very content. We have no extravagant tastes - and we live very comfortably on my husband’s income - kids at good state school, nice but not flashy holidays etc … just very “normal” middle-class suburbia. You might say “dull” but it works for us. We have no local family or other support if that matters as my husband is from another country and my parents live on the other side of the country.

So - my mum is forever dropping hints about when will I go back to work, what I could retrain as, why don’t I “get a cleaner and go to work”, and how everyone else she knows manages to deal with a family and work at the same time etc. She’s clearly quite annoyed at me not working - not sure whether it’s the “waste” of the effort I put in pre-kids, or a feminist thought that I should be able to “do it all” rather than just what works for us, or something else that I don’t understand. She always worked through my childhood if that matters, but my dad was a teacher so we always had someone home during the holidays - and things like the 48hr rule on sickness etc didn’t exist.

It culminated as the weekend with her saying that I shouldn’t be staying at home cleaning the house (I don’t actually clean much!!) and should be out doing a job to exercise my brain. I replied that people mainly worked because they “had” to - either to get by or to satisfy the lifestyle which they feel comfortable with. She rather crossly said she didn’t want to discuss it any more - and so I couldn’t go into further detail.

So AIBU in saying that aside from people who have a real vocation and love their jobs - most people work because they “have to” to sustain whatever lifestyle is comfortable enough for them (whether that is just getting by, or Caribbean holidays & private schools) rather than because they actively want to go to work? Am I very unusual in not feeling like I need my “own” paying work to be fulfilled?

… and AIBU in taking the “easy” option of staying at home when I could be making our family’s life much more complicated to have my own “worth” contributing to society if that’s not something that feels important to me?

@ronniz

If you're happy then that's fine & ignore your mother.

However I work by choice, most people I know do.

So that’s what I really want to understand. You say you work by choice, but surely there is a size of lottery win (or something) which would cause you to no longer work “for choice”… or if you personally have a serious vocation, then most people you know would.

So where does they boundary lie? Is it actually about finances or is it something else?

If you stopped work tomorrow, would it really not make any negative difference to your lifestyle?

I think most people who I know who work, wouldn’t be plunged into poverty if they stopped tomorrow, but they work so their families can have nicer holidays, or the kids can do more activities or whatever. Although they would say they work “by choice”, I don’t think that fits “by choice” in my scenario - as they work to fulfill a lifestyle which is comfortable to them. That’s my perception from most of my friends anyway.

PS - not trying to have an argument but really trying to understand.

I agree that it’s completely your choice, but I’ve seen it happen it in real life and on MN, where women are SAHM/STAW and then split from their husbands and lost years in their career.

@SkateboardInTheNet If I won 100m I would still work but have my own business. It's not actually about finances as much for me, I like the structure & routine work brings. I like my colleagues & we have lots of fun. I work in education so feel my job is worthwhile. I don't work f/t though & have most of the holidays off so I have a good balance.

If I stopped work tmw, it would have a negative impact on my mental health at some point, less so on finances as my DH is the higher earner & tbh it would probably be easier for him if I didn't work. After dc2 I worked 2 days for a bit & those 2 days childcare were close to my salary.

I have friends who are doctors, surgeons or who work in the charity sector who also feel an obligation to work if that makes sense.

Pretty much all my salary now goes into savings/investments so it could be a lifestyle thing as I like the comfort of a buffer.

I also think I work because I worry about my world shrinking in the future & what happens when my dc don't need me so much. Plus technology changes so quick now that I think I might lose confidence if I had a long break.

My mum didn't work for most of my childhood - she did get an admin type job when we were in our teens. My parents were quite well off so my mum didn't work & had help. However my mum feels she missed her calling job wise so that probably plays into it too. I feel quite lucky to have a job I like & am good at.

I would worry about financial security for me and the children should your husband up and leave. He's supportive now but what happens if he leaves and you can't get back into work and refuses to support you? I know I would be disappointed if my children were a SAHP but only due to future stability and wasting their education.

Life is a hell of a lot easier if one parent stays at home.

I personally think it's better for the children to have a carer at home when they're little and after school. But, parental mental/financial health is equally as important.

If your Mum asks again. Just say that you think it's better for your family if you stay at home for the time being.

One thing I missed from childhood was my dad had the "big city job" & often I hardly saw him during the week. He was very hands on during the weekends & I loved being around him. DH wfhs now 3-4 days a week & does lots of the drop offs/pick ups. I think it's great for dc to have both parents around.

You are deliberately choosing to make your world ‘small’. Which is fine whilst your children are young and they need you.

Your mother may be able to see the bigger picture that life is not always about having small children. You need something to engage you once your children get older and start to do their own thing.

Last year I started a challenging job at age 50 and (this may be as part of the menopause) I think all my motherly characteristics are dropping away (apart from my cats who are cuter than my teenager). At this point in my life I felt I definitely needed more and I can say the same for a few of my friends around the same age.

I have always worked, apart from my mat leave.

I am the higher earner, so u suppose you could say I have to work. But we could live OK on dps wage. It's always been my preference to work.

When we talk about winning the lottery, giving upbwork isn't part of my plan. Though I probably would find 30 days a year for holidays restrictive. Holidays but be the only reason I would be tempted to give up work.

If I quit my job, it would to open a business of my own.

But I have always, genuinely, thought that my choice isn't really for everyone. And that's OK. I really think people need to, where possible make choices that suit them and their lives. And if, for you that's being a sahp, that's really OK.

@NotAnotherPushyMum

I’m not sure. I think I’d be incredibly disappointed if my children thought it was ok to not work and let someone else ‘keep them’. Whether the money is needed or not, letting someone else take responsibility for all your finances seems reckless. Winning the lottery or similar is a different situation. I’d also feel the same about one of them letting their partner do all the domestic work.

Exactly this. I'd be so disappointed if my daughter lived like this, to use an old phrase "a kept woman".

I'd worry about her future, her naivety and her sense of worth. I'd wonder where I went wrong in her childhood that she wanted to live like that.

But I certainly would not tell her.

But OP you're not my daughter and it seems to be working for you. So just ignore her.

Twice in your opening text, you have suggested that 'feminism' dictates that you do something other than what you are choosing to do.

That is very far from my understanding of feminism.

For me, feminism is the choice to do what you want to do, not simply to follow a path set out for you. Your choice of 'traditional' roles within a marriage is as valid as any other choice. Feminism means that you have that choice, rather than having a role thrust upon you.

Doing things by choice is very different, and much more rewarding, than being dictated to. I would encourage you to own that choice and now allow your mother's doubts and fears to impact you.

All the best

HTH

What people decide to do is their business, as it absolutely would be for my dd if she chose to be a SAHM. Internally, I would be very disappointed, as I hope I have raised her to want more than that, but I would not share that with her as it's her life to do as she chooses. I chose to work when I was married after she was born even though financially I didn't have to and I would hope that she would want to do the same if in that situation.

Well firstly, it's none of her business.

Secondly she's probably taking it as a personal insult that you have made different choices than her - she chose to work full time when raising you, you have chosen a different path. Neither choice is right or wrong, but she obviously takes yours as criticism of hers. People are very weird and judgy about this issue.

Also agree that most people work to live rather than the other way round.

And as if to prove my point you have other posters popping up with the same old same old about being a "kept woman", living off someone else's money and being "so disappointed".

Your mother clearly shares these points of view.

I don't understand why taking on all the child/domestic tasks is being a 'kept woman' because you are contributing to the family. If the OP wasn't there then a cleaner/housekeeper/nanny etc would be required. So just because her contribution is within the home doesn't make it not valuable.

I'd have loved to do that, although I would have done voluntary work as well. But then the OP does work for her family's business so she's hardly idle.

Remind her when she's old and needs looking after, you can't do that when you are working and looking after your own family and to start saving for a retirement home.... that might keep her quiet.

I'm joking!

You just do you op smile nod.

@FinallyHere

Twice in your opening text, you have suggested that 'feminism' dictates that you do something other than what you are choosing to do.

That is very far from my understanding of feminism.

For me, feminism is the choice to do what you want to do, not simply to follow a path set out for you. Your choice of 'traditional' roles within a marriage is as valid as any other choice. Feminism means that you have that choice, rather than having a role thrust upon you.

Doing things by choice is very different, and much more rewarding, than being dictated to. I would encourage you to own that choice and now allow your mother's doubts and fears to impact you.

All the best

HTH

I am actually 100% with you on this. For me, the most feminist action is to do what works for you and your family - rather than what is expected (whether that is working or staying at home).

I agree I think my mum has the opposite view as they were the first generation who really had the opportunity to work - and can’t understand not working as a choice (as opposed to being socially conditioned or forced to stay home).

Very interested in those who talk about making my world “small”. That’s very perceptive, my job previously involved a lot of travel in the UK & international. I found that a real pain the backside. I also moved a lot to different countries as a child so my world definitely is very small in comparison now. I don’t have a problem with that and quite like not having 100’s of problems on my shoulders - but I can actually understand how that might feel constricting for some people.

I put YABU because your AIBU was “am I right in thinking most people work because…” and I think most people would choose to work even if they didn’t have to. I always think that if I won the lottery I’d work still.

But YANBU to not want your mum to meddle in your life. I’m sure she’s coming from a place of concern though, or perhaps you not working jars with her values? I know a lot of people whose families would not be able to imagine not working away from home (looking after kids is work too though) as they’re just grafter types and that’s important to them. Do you think your mum is like that?

It is none of her business but as your mother she can be honest with you

Maybe she is worried about you. Perhaps she thinks your husband is controlling and prefers his wife to be his cleaner and cook and childbearer

what is your husband like OP?

@wannalivelikecommonpeople

It is none of her business but as your mother she can be honest with you

Maybe she is worried about you. Perhaps she thinks your husband is controlling and prefers his wife to be his cleaner and cook and childbearer

what is your husband like OP?

Good question! He comes from an incredibly patriarchal culture - so his mum stayed home and had many many children. So that could be a concern for my mum.

However, before we had kids we had a very 50:50 relationship in all domestic things - and in fact he is by nature definitely more domesticated than me. Even with me home, he washes his own clothes, does the dishes / dishwasher and totally capable of parenting like a normal adult when I’m not available for whatever reason.

We’re both quite strong minded - so he doesn’t always get his own way, and neither do I. He definitely doesn’t see me as the “little woman” and if he tried to control me he’d get quite short shrift.

Anyway - thanks all for the replies. I guess I’ve concluded that my mum’s position of working because you genuinely want to isn’t quite as unique as I thought, but still a lot of confirmation of my view as well. The considerations about what would happen if things were to go wrong are valid, but not enough for me to make the changes.