To be late for lunch?

[OlafLovesAnna]

I genuinely don't know so I’m open to all POV - some details are also changed to protect the innocent 😜

We have a family Christmas lunch on the 10th Dec. It's in a restaurant about an hour from me I will be taking my 2 children. It was booked by MIL and I have paid for our choices. I’m very happy to go and am looking forward to seeing the 10+ people there, as are the kids.

Now, the problem is that DS has has sports match, it's not a league or a cup game but it is the first match he has been picked for in a brand new team in a new area after a house move. The coach told them about it last week. He is excited and has talked about it a lot.

Today I realised that if he plays we will be approx 25 mins late to lunch. I am usually very prompt to everything but I messaged MIL, explained the situation and said to please start without us and we would catch up when we got there.

I missed a call from her this even and she sounded a bit pissed off. B
So before I call her back I want to have a solution to offer. I thought my original one was good but if not then DS can stay behind with a friend while me and his brother go to lunch. He will be sad to miss the lunch but not devasted.

I expect that MIL will want him to back out of the football. He will be upset to miss the football as it's a big part of feeling accepted in a new place.

AIBU to offer lateness or DS not coming or is that terrible?

Just let everyone know you’ll be late and to have a drink and chat until you get there.

At least then they have a heads up.

I think him being accepted and chosen with this new team trumps the lunch on this occasion.

As you say, if he's not bothered about missing the lunch then let him stay with a friend and have his match, and you do the lunch, on time.

I think that's the best you can do in this situation. I would normally say you booked the lunch first, but with the move and making new friends, I think this time, it's more important for him in the long term.

Bet the food hasn't even arrived when you get there op!!

Can you view the menu online and give your order to the others?

25 mins is nothing - in my experience, it takes everyone 25 mins to get a drink, go to the loo, have a chat. The only issue is is there’s a time limit on the booking - lots of places are doing this now since covid.

Ordering before you get there might help save time.

Realistically 25 minutes in nothing! I mean by the time you've arrived, got your coat off, had a chat, sat down and even ordered a drink you're half an hour into it anyway? I find it really quite precious on her part to be in any way annoyed, fair play and congrats to your wee lad for getting picked, hope he has a great match!

I wouldn’t care - let them order for you so not to delay the food if anything

YANBU, your reason is more than justified.

You've paid for your choices. Either of the solutions you propose sound reasonable. It's important that he plays now he's been chosen.

I can understand that she is annoyed but I’d do the same as you tbh. It’s rude and inconsiderate to the family but just apologise and get on with it. Hope his game goes well!

Wouldn't bother me. There will be others there to entertain /chat to each other. If it was just you & MIL and you kept her waiting for 25 mins then yes. That's rude
But it's not just the two of you , so she needs to get over it

Skip the first course?

You don’t mention your husband in all of this. I’m hoping you’re not widowed, but if he’s around, I’d let him deal with his mother.

I agree with PPs - the match is more important than the lunch (in the circumstances). I suspect it will be quick turnaround in the restaurant if you’ve pre-ordered, so either skip starter or have your DS stay with his friend.

Actually - I’m changing my mind! Go with skip the starter, so you can watch the match! His first game - it will mean a lot for you to be there, I’d think.

I can see both sides as the lunch was arranged before but I get how important the game is!
Could he maybe play the first half and ask for him to be subbed at half time, perhaps explain to the coach?

Thanks, no I’m not widowed thankfully but DH is working abroad for a few weeks and not back til just before Christmas or I would definitely leave it with him.

The food choices are made and paid for and the starters would be fine cold so in the unlikely event that any food had even been served before we arrived it would be absolutely fine. In my experience the bigger the group the bigger the faff, especially when you throw toddler nieces and nephews into the mix so I’ll be amazed if everyone even has a drink when we get there!

I agree with another poster, at any other time I’d say that the lunch was booked first so that's the priority but DS has had an international move, dad being away for a few months and a whole new school to contend with so I really want his needs to.come first this time. Unfortunately PIL are of the mind that children should just fit in with what their parents tell them. I don't want to offend them but I suspect their neither of my options will fit their vision of lunch.

It depends on the venue IMO - will they seat the table with several missing? I've been before (in large groups!) where we've all had to stay in the bar area waiting for people who are late, as they wouldn't sit our table.

I can see your MIL reasons, it's a pre arranged / pre paid family meal, which in her eyes should probably take priority over a sports team that has been arranged last minute.

I can see your side too! Your DS will be way more excited about the sports team and obviously not quite as understanding about the timings of a family meal.

Would the 25 minutes late be without delays to the sport / fair weather / no getting changed / no traffic? If so, it could easily slip out of hand! Would it be possible for your DS to be with a friend after the match and miss the meal at all?

I think you are doing the right thing. 25 mins late is fine under the circumstances and you’ve pre warned. I’m surprised the grand parents aren’t delighted he’s been picked as part of the team.

Just join them late but let them start if necessary. Personally I think it would be kinder if they waited unless there is a time limit on the table.

MrzClauz, I can also see my MILS POV for sure. My alternative offer is to leave DS with a friend son I guess that she will have to pick the least worst option to her.

I agree, it's not brilliant but DS would be so sad to miss his game.

Depends. Everywhere here is on a two hour turn around so if you're half an hour late it's not going to be relaxing.

Can't he be subbed off 25 mins before the end?

You can’t make him miss his game!
I think either of your suggestions is good- nothing wrong with you being a bit late in this instance

Can you guarantee it will only be 25 minutes, when my dc were younger they played in a variety ofiferent sports competitions and I don't think there was ever one that finished at the expected time

How long will the lunch last?

Being 25 mins late is rude. That’s the minimum as well. Have you factored in changing, parking. Traffic, saying hi to everyone, delaying the lunch further.
If it’s all pre booked food then it’s highly likely that everyone turns up and are usually seated immediately.

I can totally see why she’s pissed off, because if someone said, “I’ll be 25 mins late” I would presume it could be 45 mins easily.

I think he either doesn’t go or doesn’t play. Being late is a good option for you, but it’s the worst for everyone else.

If your son misses the game,in order to please your MIL,he will be right pissed off(and rightly so and remember this unfairness for a long time.Maybe sometimes it would be helpful if adults could remember their big childhood upsets.Adults (your MIL in this case) can be so selfish.