STILL terrified of SIDS....

[mercury92]

Baby is 10months old and the poor thing still has to wear a movement monitor clip and sleep next to me every night cos I'm absolutely terrified of SIDS.

I feel like the fear of death (literally) was put in to me by NCT 😢

Every day I wake up I'm so relieved that he's alive. It's like I'm holding my breath constantly wondering if he will wake up each morning? He's perfect and so healthy. I don't have any anxiety about anything else. If we are downstairs and he's in his bed I spend the night staring at it to check I can see he is breathing.

I want to be confident in knowing that I have a perfectly healthy baby who is not going anywhere but I still can't seem to quite grasp that and am terrified of losing him, particularly to SIDS it would seem.

I even hate him being asleep in the car cos I can't tell if he is alive or not! Crazy!

Any words of advice for me? Please be kind ❤️

If it's taking over your life, which it sounds like it could be, please speak to someone.

I get it though, I was worried about SIDS and celebrated each milestone of the likelihood of SIDS dropping, 6 months, 1 year, etc. I couldn't believe how lucky we were to have our DD. As they get older you'll worry about them hurting themselves and the dangers in the big bad world too. You're a parent and it's partly expected. Try and let go of the things you can otherwise you'll be permanently worried sick.

SIDS is unexplained so if you're doing all the right things that are recommended, there's nothing else you can do to stop it.

I am a nursery manager and know better but DS is almost 2 and I still use a monitor with him. I have accepted it and don’t mention it to anyone but it makes me feel better and so I keep going.

I should add he cosleeps too

And do get your thyroid checked. It can go haywire after birth.

I also share these thoughts and my youngest is nearly six.

OP I was exactly the same. I’d never suffered with anxiety before but given the most wonderful, healthy baby felt like it was too good to be true. I had sensor mats and the monitor clip too. When I spoke to the HV about how obsessive I was they just reiterated how good it was to be aware of Safer Sleeping etc and to keep it in mind. Useful 🙄

Anyway my DD is almost six years old and it felt a distant memory until I read your post. I have another DD who is 2 and I was in a total different headspace when I had her and didn’t feel the need to use either of them.

Just wanted to jump on and say I totally understand how you feel, your baby is 10 months old and from the stats I looked at (frequently 🙈) that was very much out of the danger zone. I think it’s just sometimes hard to believe that these perfect babies are ours xx

CBT will help you. You can self refer.

My DB died in his sleep the year before by DD was born. It has been 6 years since he passed and I still check everyone in my house is still breathing when sleeping. I have started to get my anxiety about it under control, but still check my DD twice a night.

I also have health anxiety with my DCs, in part due to a scary near miss medical situation, and in part due to the feeling that I love them more than anything and being terrified of anything happening to them.

One thing that helps me, a friend told me to try, is to recognise that these thoughts are not rational, but they are symptoms of anxiety. So increased health anxiety doesn't necessarily equal increased risk, but increased symptoms.

@mercury92

I think it genuinely comes down to not believing my luck - still. It's like it hasn't sunk in that I'm a mum. I can't believe I got him. He's just the love of my life and it's hit me so hard like a tonne of bricks! So I'm just terrified he will be taken from me in some way.

I guess these are intrusive thoughts yes and I do get other intrusive thoughts eg today I imagined our (very friendly, non aggressive beautiful doggy) attacking my child - not sure why this just popped in to my head but it's very upsetting. I also often imagine accidentally hurting my son and envisage the whole horrid incident - he's just so precious - I'm still so careful with him but I don't want to project my fears on to him!

God. Reading this really underlined how I’ve spent the last 7 years feeling like this about my son. I constantly envision things happening to him, like anything even slightly risky he does I immediately can see all the horrible things that could happen, playing out in my head. I’d keep him locked in his bedroom so he’d always be safe if I didn’t know how crazy that would be. Luckily my DH is a lot saner! Definitely speak to your HV or your GP about how you’re feeling, OP. It’s an exhausting way to live

I think my fears came from two things - firstly my parent and sibling died unexpectedly a couple of years before he was born and secondly he was quite ill when he was little. Can you think of any triggers like that?

I think SIDS is a very normal thing to worry about, particularly with your first born (my DS1 had the sensor under his mattress till he was well over two years old) That said, the other things you mention, do make it sound like you could use some extra help (but I know it's hard to get it atm with the NHS being on it's knees and all).

What helps me is to try and immediately recognise when I have irrational, anxious thoughts and shut it down quickly. E.g. I tell myself things like 'this is an irrational anxious thought - there is no reason why this would be likely to happen' and 'you can't waste a happy life worrying about what bad things might happen - that's just plain silly' and then I visualise the thought being pushed out of my head with a hand. Not sure if that technique could help you?

@mercury92

I think it genuinely comes down to not believing my luck - still. It's like it hasn't sunk in that I'm a mum. I can't believe I got him. He's just the love of my life and it's hit me so hard like a tonne of bricks! So I'm just terrified he will be taken from me in some way.

I guess these are intrusive thoughts yes and I do get other intrusive thoughts eg today I imagined our (very friendly, non aggressive beautiful doggy) attacking my child - not sure why this just popped in to my head but it's very upsetting. I also often imagine accidentally hurting my son and envisage the whole horrid incident - he's just so precious - I'm still so careful with him but I don't want to project my fears on to him!

Intrusive thoughts are very common post-partem. In short, mothers have a heightened sense of risk when they have a baby (all mothers across most animal species do). Everything is sharper, your senses are more alert, you look for any and all threats to your baby. Living wild back in the caves where there were threats everywhere it was really handy. In our cosy safe lives, our primitive brain still does the same thing - scans the environments for threats except there are no threats, so our brain goes into overdrive, especially at night! The absence of any real external threats doesn't stop your brain from creating them often with ludicrous amounts of imagination!

So put it this way, you'd be a kick ass protective mother in the jungle or in a war zone. Your baby would totally make it out alive because your instincts and environment scanning is so protective! However, we're not living in a war zone so the fight/flight anxiety rushes your experiencing just start to wear you down.

Intrusive thoughts like this should lift by 6 weeks. Yours have gone on quite a bit longer (which is not a negative, just a reflection of the intensity of protectiveness you feel towards your son!). You've also had a baby in the middle of a pandemic - so honestly give yourself a break. It's been stressful!

Intrusive thoughts can be resolved and usually fairly easily. You should have a chat with your GP or Health visitor and organise some talking therapy. Just talking through the thoughts you have and how they make you feel - will help, but you'll also get support on how to manage them so they don't continue to be quite so all consuming.

I'm the same, even with my 13 year old sometimes I'll just start thinking in the middle of the night is she ok? What if shes been sick and choked to death on it? What if there's a fire starting right now in her room? All kinds of nonsense. With the babies I still worry about SIDS with both of them (9m and 3 so ridiculous of me) along with every other worry you could worry. If the baby naps outside of the sling I'm checking her breathing by the minutes and end up waking her. I definitely need CBT or something but I'm a single mum of 3, I don't get to wee on my own ever never mind have time for therapy. It sounds like you could benefit from talking to your doctors, I really sympathise as its a horrible feeling

I was just like you op. It’s like you’ve won the lottery but you’re waiting for someone to tell you they’ve made a mistake and they’re taking it back. Ironically, I was much more chilled with my first but my second, omg constant checking she was still alive (we had trouble conceiving her and then when I was pregnant with her there were all sorts of problems and monitoring). I would say I kept checking on her until she was three but even now I have a wobble.

As it happened, my very lovely gp sussed me out very quickly and spotted I had post natal anxiety and prescribed me some meds (took the edge right off!).

For me, I think, I just felt so lucky and feared my babies would be taken away, I’d never known a love like it before and couldn’t process it properly. So, yes it may be worth speaking to your gp just to get some relief from those feelings but please know, you’re most certainly not alone.

I have 21-month twins, and was PETRIFIED of SIDS. I still am to some extent.
I am terrified of them overheating. As my health visitor said "the worst thing that happen when they're too cold is that they wake up...", leaving me to imagine the worst thing that happens when they get too hot.

Up till a week ago, my twins slept in a light 1-tog sleep sac in a very cool room. I then moved them to a 2.5-tog sleepsac, and am afraid they'll over heat. When I hear one cry in the middle of the night, my first thought is "thank god, at least one of them is still alive".

It's no help to me to hear the statistics, than only one in xxx babies die. Someone has to be that one, and why not my baby. That probably stems from a previous miscarriage - I was told the baby had a 1 in 10,000 chance of having that illness, and unfortunately my baby was the one.

It never entered my head the way I feel might be unusual, I just assumed all mums feel like this. Maybe I should say it to a doc.

But I am reassured a bit hearing that 4-months is the riskiest time. I hope you get some relief too, OP.

(For context, my twins are after 10 IVFs and two miscarriages).

I hate to tell you this OP but mine are 16 and 12 (years not months!) and I still worry. I check that my 12 year old is breathing before I go to bed every night. I only stopped checking my 16 year old a year or so ago, as he started to almost wake up when I went in to his room.
My brother died when I was 19 (of suicide), and it seems to have conditioned me to expect the worst. Like you I can’t believe how lucky I am to have 2 amazing healthy kids, and I’m waiting for it to be snatched from me. But I don’t show it, I’ve just incorporated low level anxiety into my life.
I think my kids would say that I probably say “be careful” more often than their friends parents, but other than that they’re not aware of my worries.
I wish I could make it stop, but I’ve come to accept it’s a part of me.
I don’t limit their activities, they’ve done just as much as their peers.

@SilverGlassHare I'm sorry to hear how you've been feeling. Re - your question about triggers... I don't know anyone who's had a baby die of SIDS - but I am seriously sleep deprived and feel worse after a build up of bad nights (son is a terrible sleeper!) so wonder if that is my trigger.

Thanks all. I'm going to speak to the doctor again today. Will ask for some CBT.

@user1471604848 I'm exactly the same. I breathe a sigh of relief when he wakes and cries! When he's sleeping peacefully I just don't relax really (unless my DH is awake and has the baby monitor so I feel that someone is keeping an eye on him!)

I hope you get some help too xx

Sleep deprivation is definitely the worst, it drove me to my knees until he started sleeping through.

I should probably add that there is hope! Like a previous poster mentioned, my son would probably say I tell him to be careful more than some mums but he does get to life a normal life, rides a bike, swims, plays rugby etc. I just have low level worry about ‘something bad’ happening to him (and DH for that matter) all the time. One of the only good things for me about covid is that now DH WFH so I worry less about him! I have my own CBT techniques where I try to send the intrusive thoughts away as soon as they arrive but they do keep arriving, even as I dismiss them.

@SilverGlassHare google 'worry time' as a CBT technique - it takes some effort but it really works!

@giddyasakipper thanks, I will. This may sound stupid but I’m also making an effort to use a SAD light in winter just to stop my mood getting low, as my anxiety gets worse when I’m feeling down.

Sorry for those who have experienced loss and trauma. It is no surprise we are more likely to have these fears as it can be harder to be reassured by logic and stats when our emotions are at play.

It's only a problem if it impacts on our lives in a negative way. If we find coping strategies such as monitors and routinely checking them it does no harm really. It's if we are for instance staying up watching them constantly or worried sick all the time it is a problem I think.

I watch for 6mo DS breathing all the time, I was anxious through pregnancy too. Everytime I went to the toilet I felt sick thinking I'd see blood. I have an anxiety disorder though. Intrusive thoughts are normal for me. I keep reminding myself that he's healthy and strong. He's never given me any reason to believe anything could go wrong. The chances are tiny.
Also, I got a mirror for in the car afterr I panicked thinking he'd thrown up and stopped breathing. He didnt. But the mirror helps alot!