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Original poster

STILL terrified of SIDS....

84 replies

mercury92 · 02/12/2021 19:00

Baby is 10months old and the poor thing still has to wear a movement monitor clip and sleep next to me every night cos I'm absolutely terrified of SIDS.

I feel like the fear of death (literally) was put in to me by NCT 😢

Every day I wake up I'm so relieved that he's alive. It's like I'm holding my breath constantly wondering if he will wake up each morning? He's perfect and so healthy. I don't have any anxiety about anything else. If we are downstairs and he's in his bed I spend the night staring at it to check I can see he is breathing.

I want to be confident in knowing that I have a perfectly healthy baby who is not going anywhere but I still can't seem to quite grasp that and am terrified of losing him, particularly to SIDS it would seem.

I even hate him being asleep in the car cos I can't tell if he is alive or not! Crazy!

Any words of advice for me? Please be kind ❤️

OP posts:
SunsetandCupcakes · 02/12/2021 19:42

My son died, and the thing I most wish is that I pushed my worries aside and enjoyed everyday that I was blessed to have him. Worry doesn't change anything (I know that now) but it does taint the time you have with them. No one knows what tomorrow will bring, hug them tight, be in the moment, and bless every moment that you have. I'm not dismissing your feelings just wish I lived differently

shenanigans5 · 02/12/2021 19:44

Flowers so sorry about your precious son. You must miss him so much.

Fabuleuse · 02/12/2021 19:45

I was a bit like that with my first baby too OP, although not quite to the same extent. But whenever he slept I constantly checked on his breathing. We used the Angelcare movement monitor until he was over 2. For my poor neglected secondborn I looked out the monitor while heavily pregnant, but I never actually got round to plugging it in. Blush It does get better.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 02/12/2021 19:46

@giddyasakipper

DD is 4 and I still have these thoughts! I also feel the same way - I can't believe how lucky I've got to have such a wonderful child and something bad is surely going to happen to take her away.

I did however realise (after things got worse) that I had an undiagnosed anxiety disorder and after some excellent therapy I am able to cope much much better!

Might be worth having a chat with your GP or referring yourself for CBT - it's made the world of difference for me.

I could have written this word for word, only I ended up on meds as couldn't get CBT due to the waiting list!
HeyFloof · 02/12/2021 19:46

Da is 5 and still sleeps in bed with me because I'm fearful. He doesn't know, but it affects me every day. It's highly likely I need medication.

I have experienced the bereavement of two of my babies and it is the worst thing in the world. I know that if my living DS died, I would kill myself rather than live without him.

Mine is not a normal or healthy way to live. Your GP or HV would probably be a good place to start Flowers

HeyFloof · 02/12/2021 19:47

@SunsetandCupcakes

My son died, and the thing I most wish is that I pushed my worries aside and enjoyed everyday that I was blessed to have him. Worry doesn't change anything (I know that now) but it does taint the time you have with them. No one knows what tomorrow will bring, hug them tight, be in the moment, and bless every moment that you have. I'm not dismissing your feelings just wish I lived differently
I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious boy Flowers
Original poster
mercury92 · 02/12/2021 19:49

@SunsetandCupcakes I'm so so sorry for your loss. If I do one thing I will try and take your words on board ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
mercury92 · 02/12/2021 19:50

@HeyFloof I'm so terribly sorry for your loss and hope that you find some help too Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
mercury92 · 02/12/2021 19:51

Thank you everyone there is some really helpful advice and solidarity on here ❤️

OP posts:
CloudyStorms · 02/12/2021 19:54

@mercury92

Thank you everyone there is some really helpful advice and solidarity on here ❤️
I think that's important to hold on to, solidarity, so many women have been there x
FartnissEverbeans · 02/12/2021 19:54

I don’t have much advice I’m afraid OP, but I do have a lot of sympathy. I’m starting to realise that I suffer from terrible health anxiety and that it is affecting my life. I think I might need to get CBT or something.

Honestly, everything you wrote - I could have written too. When my DS1 was tiny I just wasn’t right at all. I was so terrified of anything happening to him and I still am now at 5yo - he is the absolute love of my life (as is DS2 and DH of course!) and the thought of him being hurt in any way is too awful to even think about. He has food allergies and I am constantly terrified as a result. I think I’m now transmitting my fears to him, unfortunately Sad even though I have tried incredibly hard not to. DS2 was born a few weeks ago and I can feel the familiar PPA rearing its head again, especially when I’m tired (though it is better this time).

Get some help now and don’t leave it as long as I have x

RidingMyBike · 02/12/2021 19:56

Can you speak to your GP? Whilst it's normal to worry about things like this, this sounds more extreme. I was absolutely terrified of SIDS because there was so much info about it antenatally and in the immediate postnatal period (but no one gave the actual figures for context) but my baby was made seriously ill by something else entirely that no one warned me about!

Whilst obviously devastating for those families, it's around 200 babies a year. That's out of about 740,000 births a year. So a tiny proportion of babies. The risk of stillbirth was actually far higher (1 in 250 births) but no one seemed to talk about that! I don't know anyone who has lost a baby to SIDS but have three friends who've had stillbirths.

And you are out of the riskier period for SIDS - under six months, and it peaks at four months. And it's much more likely to affect a prem baby, or one in a family that smokes, or who bedshare, or who fall asleep with the baby after drinking etc.

PinkiOcelot · 02/12/2021 19:59

I was the same. Then when they got older I worried about other things. Won’t say what as I don’t want to put ideas in your head.

It’s awful. I sympathise.

Ileflottante · 02/12/2021 20:22

A friend of my H and his wife both have really uncontrolled and extreme anxiety about their son. They both developed it almost immediately postpartum. It blights every single moment of their lives. Their kid is five and they still sleep in shifts on the floor next to his bed. It’s absolutely appalling and they won’t seek support or help. My god, we’ve tried to help them. They work each other up. The saddest thing is how incredibly highly strung and anxious their kid now is. He screams at everything, is petrified of everything and struggles with everything.

We love them and we try to help them but they won’t hear it. Please, seek some support. It’s a common thing and the help is there if you ask for it.

Franca123 · 02/12/2021 20:23

My partner was like this. I managed to keep a lid on it. He wanted to keep our son in our room and buy those monitors but I wouldn't allow it. I think these things feed the anxiety. It helped when he was in his own room. Out of sight, out of mind. He used to always imagine the worst case scenario for everything and I hated it. I didn't want to think about something awful happening to my son when I was having a perfectly nice day. He's over it now. And with our second, is totally relaxed. He was happy for her to go in her own room very early. Although he won't allow them in our bed ever which is a bit annoying. He can't sleep because he's worried about rolling over and squishing them.

Bellafrenum · 02/12/2021 20:27

Sounds like post natal anxiety. I had the same and my fear was SIDS too. CBT sorted it out for me basically. Speak to your HV or GP ASAP - you will be at the top of the list for help if your baby is under 1, after that the waiting list gets a lot longer. Good luck!

Original poster
mercury92 · 02/12/2021 20:28

@FartnissEverbeans it's SO MUCH worse when I'm tired. When I'm well rested I'm not anxious at all, even about this!

Congrats on your new baby x

OP posts:
Original poster
mercury92 · 02/12/2021 20:30

I spoke to the doctor and they referred me for an online course... Hmm it didn't really help me at all and I was then told they didn't offer anything else. Not very helpful at all.

OP posts:
avocadotofu · 02/12/2021 20:30

I was exactly the same. My little one is three and I don't worry about him in the same way at night anymore.

Ileflottante · 02/12/2021 20:32

@Franca123

My partner was like this. I managed to keep a lid on it. He wanted to keep our son in our room and buy those monitors but I wouldn't allow it. I think these things feed the anxiety. It helped when he was in his own room. Out of sight, out of mind. He used to always imagine the worst case scenario for everything and I hated it. I didn't want to think about something awful happening to my son when I was having a perfectly nice day. He's over it now. And with our second, is totally relaxed. He was happy for her to go in her own room very early. Although he won't allow them in our bed ever which is a bit annoying. He can't sleep because he's worried about rolling over and squishing them.
Totally agree with you regarding these super expensive (and unreliable) gadgets. They cost a fortune and absolutely feed any anxiety. And also they exploit the fear to make you buy more and more and bigger and better.

I have health anxiety after some scares in my past and I’m forever grateful that it’s exclusively my own health and hasn’t extended to my child, who I’m totally sanguine about.

Jibberjabberhutt · 02/12/2021 20:33

@mercury92

I spoke to the doctor and they referred me for an online course... Hmm it didn't really help me at all and I was then told they didn't offer anything else. Not very helpful at all.
You’re still within a year of having a baby so you should be prioritised for mental health support. Push again or self-refer if your trust has the self-referral for talking therapies. An online course is no good. Are you sure they didn’t offer you the course with an option for CBT or something afterwards?
Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 02/12/2021 20:35

Sounds like it has become excessive and CBT for anxiety would be helpful. I am sorry, sounds distressing.

Jmommy · 02/12/2021 20:36

I’m similar, even if maybe slightly less so. But definitely relate to and understand such fears. My baby is 8 months and I too still check quite often she is breathing. Also in the car, where I too feel uneasy about not seeing her, when she’s been quietly sleeping for a while. I reach to the backseat to feel her tummy so I can feel she’s breathing. And yea, there’s a certain relief in the mornings when I find her alive and happy. I wouldn’t say I’m anxious, though. My mood is good, my thoughts aren’t in any way dominated by these fears. I just feel the need to check on her more often that most mums probably do. I would say it is still normal.

Yogaandcocoa · 02/12/2021 20:36

OP I worry about this too. I think I had anxiety anyway but this increased after my first baby was stillborn. I use the Owlet monitor with my 5 month old and this helps as I was otherwise constantly checking if baby is breathing.

stripetop · 02/12/2021 20:37

Yes this is me, very bad missed post natal anxiety, zero help. If it's not one thing it's another. I can go sky high over a cough, runny nose, you name it.

I'm reading mind over mother, Anna someone. It's in bedroom sorry. It has been more helpful than I expected.

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