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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She could have warned me (TW: MC)

36 replies

floofycroissant · 01/12/2021 19:06

I had an early miscarriage 3 weeks ago and am still reeling from it. My mum knows this and and yet didn't think to warn me about my brothers plan to surprise me with his wife's pregnancy announcement.

My brother has no idea I was expecting, but its bad luck that it would have been my 12 weeks and when I was also planning to start telling wider family.

It totally blindsided me and I could feel myself on the edge, but I managed to stop myself from breaking down and I'm now a mess whilst typing this.

Please don't think I'm anything but happy for them, and I absolutely will not mention it to my brother. But this was all whilst my mum just stood next to me obliviously smiling, and then admitted she'd known for over a day.

AIBU? I get that it wasn't my mum's news to tell me, so I wanted to get some opinions before talking to her about it.

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 01/12/2021 19:18

In that position I'd be hurt too.
Maybe in a few days / weeks, you might feel able to say to your mum that you would have appreciated being told beforehand - I know I would have done.
I had massive fertility struggles when I was younger, and found it very hard to be around anyone who was pregnant, so I can understand how you must have felt.
I hope it all works out for you OP. Thanks

Neron · 01/12/2021 19:21

I think your mum was in a tough spot. It wasn't her news to share of your brothers baby, and it's not her news to share about you.

Original poster
floofycroissant · 01/12/2021 19:23

Thanks Mine I'm ok with being around pregnancy/babies as a whole. I just really could have done without the shock and having to manage my mixed emotions when put on the spot.

OP posts:
Babyvenusplant · 01/12/2021 19:24

I honestly think your mum should have told you under the circumstances, I know it wasn't her news to share, but after knowing you'd just lost your pregnancy I think its crazy she didn't think to tell you

Babyvenusplant · 01/12/2021 19:24

Also I'm really sorry op Flowers

Holly60 · 01/12/2021 19:24

@Neron

I think your mum was in a tough spot. It wasn't her news to share of your brothers baby, and it's not her news to share about you.
I think this is right. I would have found it really difficult to have known what to do too. They would have been upset if they had gathered any inkling that you already knew, and might well have asked her why she told you, in which case she might have felt compelled to tell them about your miscarriage. Either way one or both of you was going to end up upset.

I’m really sorry for your loss.

cadburyegg · 01/12/2021 19:27

@Neron

I think your mum was in a tough spot. It wasn't her news to share of your brothers baby, and it's not her news to share about you.
As someone who has had a miscarriage I agree with this. It wasn't your mum's news to share. I'm not sure what she could have done differently.
Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 01/12/2021 19:43

If I were the mum in this situation I would have warned you. I don't think this is the time you say it is not your news to share.

Babyghirl · 01/12/2021 19:45

@floofycroissant
So sorry for your loss, I have been where you are. I have had 4 miscarriages and 1 cp and my bro partner fell a few month after my first loss and give birth when I was go thou my second loss and guess what is now pregnant again 2 years later and I'm still trying for num 1 but this is her 5th one. She could of pulled you aside and told you maybe not her news but you are her daughter and she should of thought how you would of felt being caught off guard 💚

PurpleDaisies · 01/12/2021 19:47

Your mum should have warned you. There was no need for your brother to know she’s tipped you off. Then you wouldn’t have been blindsided.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

RedRobin100 · 01/12/2021 19:48

Yeah I think she could have given you a private heads up to ready yourself. It’s not like she would have been gossiping. It’s the kind thing to do.

  • maybe she was blinded by excitement or something.
TheBeautifulSouth44 · 01/12/2021 19:48

I understand that your mum maybe felt like it wasn't her news to tell although if I was you I would have definitely preferred to be prepared. And I think if I was your mum I would have discreetly let you know on these circumstances.

Did your mum check in on how you were after the announcement?

Original poster
floofycroissant · 01/12/2021 19:51

No she hasn't Thebeautiful

OP posts:
HelplesslyHoping · 01/12/2021 19:57

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

I think your mum could have told you privately. Looking after you and letting you know in private is far more important than the surprise you would've found out about anyway.

If she hasn't checked in on you I hope you have other forms of RL support, and we're here for you too x

SelfHelpPlease · 01/12/2021 20:02

You wouldn't have felt any different if your mum did warn you, I'm talking from experience.

I'm so sorry you're going through it though.

TheBeautifulSouth44 · 01/12/2021 20:04

@floofycroissant

No she hasn't Thebeautiful
That's really hard. It sounds like she is oblivious to how hard this has been for you? And that it didn't even cross her mind to prepare you or ask you how you were. Are you usually quite close?
Original poster
floofycroissant · 01/12/2021 20:10

@SelfHelpPlease

You wouldn't have felt any different if your mum did warn you, I'm talking from experience.

I'm so sorry you're going through it though.

I may have felt the same pain, but it would have been in private. And I'd have had time to compose myself for the surprise and be totally focused on my brothers happy news.
OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 01/12/2021 20:11

@SelfHelpPlease

You wouldn't have felt any different if your mum did warn you, I'm talking from experience.

I'm so sorry you're going through it though.

This is nonsense. You can deal with the announcement much better if you can do it not in front of the person who is telling you.
Original poster
floofycroissant · 01/12/2021 20:12

We are very close but she can be emotionally stunted at times, it's a bit of a family trait.

OP posts:
ANameChangeAgain · 01/12/2021 20:13

I also agree with this
I think your mum was in a tough spot. It wasn't her news to share of your brothers baby, and it's not her news to share about you. she was in an impossible situation, although the fact she hasn't checked in on you is surprising.
I'm sorry for your loss. Flowers

sleepyhoglet · 01/12/2021 21:28

Your mum should have spoken to your brother. He probably feels awful too

Thwackit · 01/12/2021 21:56

She should have told you. This is one occasion where it would be ok to let it slip. Flowers

tallduckandhandsome · 01/12/2021 22:15

Ask her why didn’t she warn you. I would definitely ask my mum why if she did this.

Freddiefox · 01/12/2021 22:22

I’d be really upset that your mum didn’t warn you, and also didn’t bother to check up on you.

MadeItOut21 · 02/12/2021 18:00

How was she to know when your brother was going to tell you? Maybe he specifically asked her not to say anything , maybe she even tried to get him to delay the announcement or something. You don't know. She was in an awkward position either way.