She could have warned me (TW: MC)

[floofycroissant]

I had an early miscarriage 3 weeks ago and am still reeling from it. My mum knows this and and yet didn't think to warn me about my brothers plan to surprise me with his wife's pregnancy announcement.

My brother has no idea I was expecting, but its bad luck that it would have been my 12 weeks and when I was also planning to start telling wider family.

It totally blindsided me and I could feel myself on the edge, but I managed to stop myself from breaking down and I'm now a mess whilst typing this.

Please don't think I'm anything but happy for them, and I absolutely will not mention it to my brother. But this was all whilst my mum just stood next to me obliviously smiling, and then admitted she'd known for over a day.

AIBU? I get that it wasn't my mum's news to tell me, so I wanted to get some opinions before talking to her about it.

Would you have preferred her to tell him to have a private word with you about it ?

She should have warned you.

I'm about to lose my dd1 tomorrow, her brother DS2, we lost last year. Its horrible circumstances and we are utterly devastated. I've also had 2 other MC this year.

I'm going to text my cousin, whose house we are visiting over Christmas to gently ask that, if she has any lovely news that they were planning on announcing then, could they let me know first so I can prepare myself.

If they are, I'll obviously say nothing and be as thrilled for them as can be. It's lovely. But i know it will feel like a stab in the gut. I don't want everyone's first response to be to look from them, and then to me, to see how I react.

I agree your mum should have given you a heads-up, your brother need never have known xx

@Babyvenusplant

I honestly think your mum should have told you under the circumstances, I know it wasn't her news to share, but after knowing you'd just lost your pregnancy I think its crazy she didn't think to tell you

I agree with this. I think the whole not her news to tell falls by the wayside when it involves something like this. As your mum she still has a protector role to act in your best interests even if you are an adult.

She knew because she was with him the entire time Made. It was literally a "let's both pop in to Floofys and surprise her with the good news" kind of visit.

Hula I see no benefit to my brother knowing about my MC now, in fact it might make him feel bad which I would hate. The only reason he doesn't know about the pregnancy is because I MC before I saw him in person. It was no great secret. This will be their third and I was talking with him about them wanting another a few months ago, so I knew it was coming, it was just being caught so off guard that was upsetting.

All I wanted was my mum to give me a warning. A quick text or whatever, so I wasn't caught off guard. I'd literally took my final test and got discharged from the Drs the day before they came round which also stirred up all the feelings.

She did come round today for something and asked how I was whilst she was here. But I could see she didn't actually want me to answer honestly, so I left it. She can be very blunt and defensive and has a stiff upper lip type of attitude, crack on and try again etc. I'm not in that headspace right now.

I really did hope she'd be a good support to have but I'll think twice about telling her early on when we do try again. At least then any thoughtless actions and only feel so hurtful

@Neron

I think your mum was in a tough spot. It wasn't her news to share of your brothers baby, and it's not her news to share about you.

I get what you are saying but the absolute pain OP is going through is far far more important than the joy the brother gets from making an announcement. Mum should have told OP. Then OP could feel her brutal raw feelings in private and then acted surprised and happy when told in person. Brother would probably feel devastated of he knew he was causing so much upset.

*won't feel so hurtful

All I wanted was my mum to give me a warning. A quick text or whatever, so I wasn't caught off guard I agree that's all she needed to do. I am sorry

I agree she really should have said something - you’re probably right to not tell her if/when you try again.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP but I'm surprised that neither you nor your mum hadn't already told your brother about your miscarriage. At the very least your mum should have told him when he suggested telling you his news.

Whatever. I do think you should tell him now. He needs to know so he can sensitively support you over the coming months.

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn

I'm so sorry for your loss OP but I'm surprised that neither you nor your mum hadn't already told your brother about your miscarriage. At the very least your mum should have told him when he suggested telling you his news.

Whatever. I do think you should tell him now. He needs to know so he can sensitively support you over the coming months.

I really dont agree with this. I have no negative feelings towards my brother or their news, they're wonderful parents and I can't wait to be an auntie to three. In fact family friends had their baby the week after my MC and I was totally fine, because it wasn't sprang on me with a gawping audience waiting for my reaction.

This isn't about me pulling focus, the total opposite in fact. I'd hate someone tippy towing around me. This thread is simply about my mum's lack of thought in the moment.