Why do people let their kids tantrum to then give in when they’ve had enough?

[LittleBirdy1]

I can’t understand why people put themself and everyone around you through the screaming, leg kicking, hitting, spitting, throwing things, biting and all the other nonsense that goes with it just to give in after 30 minutes or so. My friend who I have known for over 15 years is like this with her youngest and it’s getting to the point where I don’t want to meet up with them. He is 5 just started reception so not a baby or a toddler and old enough to know that his behaviour is not acceptable. Yesterdays meet up he wanted her phone, she said no (he has a history of smashing the screens) he tantrums. During the tantrum he, bite his sister, head butted his mum, throw all the cushions off the sofa, throw his sisters switch and smashed the screen, knocked a hot drink off the coffee table smashing the mug, punched and slammed the living room door, unrolled a couple of toilet rolls from the downstairs loo and tore them up and lastly kicked me twice. After he kicked me she gave in and gave him the phone! She asked if he was hot and bothered and needed a cuddle! A telling off is what he needed but what I don’t get is why we have to endure that for over 30 minutes for her to just give him the phone, surely it would be a lot easier to give it to him in the first place? He goes and goes and goes until she gives in so he has be taught to tantrum to get his own way. Her phone rang and she asked for it back leading to him starting up again throwing the phone up the fireplace and smashing it. So my AIBU here to say I only want to meet up when he is at school and after school for the other kids when he is at his dads?

Because they're human, essentially.

Agree with everyone else that with three older well behaved children, that implies either some wider issues or that she is on her knees as a single parent of four.

Both of those surely deserve some compassion from a friend.

I suspect that she realised his tantrum just wasn't going to resolve and chose the path of least resistance. I can understand that.

Behaving with you and at school doesn't mean he has no SEN or is capable of behaving all of the time, read a bit about masking.

There's a vast difference between a tantrum and a meltdown caused by AN.

A tantrum stops when the object they want is offered. it really is that simple.

Children do indeed suss out how to get the result they want! I remember one nine-year-old launching a whining campaign at me; she was keen to take some brand-new music home to practise, which had arrived that day and wasn't yet stamped and checked into the system, until I said, "Look, you won't change my mind, you're just making me cross!" ; she stopped, gave me a beaming smile, and said, "It works with Mummy!" "Well it doesn't work with me!" was my reply, and the lesson proceeded...
Obviously, there may be underlying causes, but any NT child can learn the "extinction burst". Ordinary grizzling doesn't get results - up the ante. If that works, they have learned what get results, and that will be the starting point for next time.

@SirensofTitan

Crisps are a standard bribe but offering ket just to get to the supermarket is a step too far, you're right

In what world are children bribed to behave with crisps? I've never come across that. Having said that I've never bribed my children with anything so maybe not the best person to ask

In the OP's case I'd be concerned that a child behaving like that needs some professional help, that is totally not on for a 5 year old imo

Whoooosh - missed the point of the post me thinks!

@Seeline

Have you got kids OP?

What on earth does that have to do with anything? I am not a pilot but if I see a jumbo jet in the sea, I know something's gone tits up somewhere.

Crisps are a standard bribe but offering ket just to get to the supermarket is a step too far, you're right

It might cheer the moany little buggers up a bit though @KarmaViolet

Probably because not everyone is as perfect as you.

I only ever give in if I have a friend or someone else with me. She probably in the end felt embarrassed or like you were not having a good time/judging her parenting and so decided to just give in.

Possibly because she’s human. I can’t imagine being a single mother to four kids is a walk in the park.

@LittleBirdy1

Yes I have 3 dc and they certainly have never acted in this way. My 3 dc are the same school years as her older dc and good friends. Her older 3 NEVER acted like this either, so good knows what’s going on with this one.

Maybe he had SEN and she could do with your support instead of judgement?

That poor Mum! At least she gets a break when he goes to his Dad.

I wonder is the child getting mixed messages at his Dads, sure he’s 5 and not a baby but he’s still the only one out of a family of five that has to go and stay somewhere else for whatever amount of time he goes for. I wonder do they let him run riot or are overly strict or whatever?

Your friend sounds exhausted, I can’t imagine she lets him smash things for the fun of it. She probably hoped he’d stop and then once he attacked you she had to be seen to do something and make it stop

My 9yo still tantrums...he was referred 2 years ago and we are still on the waiting list for an initial assessment for ADHD/ASD. His tantrums go on for hours at times and it's exhausting at times. I can imagine she was totally embarrassed by his behaviour and eventually gave in to avoid that. I'm absolutely mortified when mine behaves like that.