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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why do people let their kids tantrum to then give in when they’ve had enough?

63 replies

LittleBirdy1 · 01/12/2021 12:21

I can’t understand why people put themself and everyone around you through the screaming, leg kicking, hitting, spitting, throwing things, biting and all the other nonsense that goes with it just to give in after 30 minutes or so. My friend who I have known for over 15 years is like this with her youngest and it’s getting to the point where I don’t want to meet up with them. He is 5 just started reception so not a baby or a toddler and old enough to know that his behaviour is not acceptable. Yesterdays meet up he wanted her phone, she said no (he has a history of smashing the screens) he tantrums. During the tantrum he, bite his sister, head butted his mum, throw all the cushions off the sofa, throw his sisters switch and smashed the screen, knocked a hot drink off the coffee table smashing the mug, punched and slammed the living room door, unrolled a couple of toilet rolls from the downstairs loo and tore them up and lastly kicked me twice. After he kicked me she gave in and gave him the phone! She asked if he was hot and bothered and needed a cuddle! A telling off is what he needed but what I don’t get is why we have to endure that for over 30 minutes for her to just give him the phone, surely it would be a lot easier to give it to him in the first place? He goes and goes and goes until she gives in so he has be taught to tantrum to get his own way. Her phone rang and she asked for it back leading to him starting up again throwing the phone up the fireplace and smashing it. So my AIBU here to say I only want to meet up when he is at school and after school for the other kids when he is at his dads?

OP posts:

femfemlicious · 01/12/2021 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

DrSbaitso · 01/12/2021 12:57

@femfemlicious

I know ill be flamed for this but that boy needs a smack on the bum. For everyones mental health!.

Acknowledging that your comment is flameworthy doesn't somehow convey merit upon it. It's just as worthless as it would be without the disclaimer.

Abouttimemum · 01/12/2021 12:57

Well yes you have to be firm from the start (like 12-18 months). If they see a chink in your armour then they’ll keep going at it. Essentially, if you give in then they’ll know that if they keep going they get what they want. Then they’ll tantrum long and harder. Nip it in the bud early on and pick your battles, basically.

MooseBreath · 01/12/2021 12:58

Honestly, it sounds like the little boy has special needs. He isn't managing his emotions to the level that you'd expect of even a 3-year-old. And with 3 older children that are well-behaved, it really makes me think this child isn't neurotypical. Assuming there are SEN, without the right strategies, Mum could hold out for hours and it will not have made a jot of difference and she'd have even more broken items and injured people.

Abouttimemum · 01/12/2021 12:58

And you don’t need to smack any kid on the bum. You just need to parent them.

Abouttimemum · 01/12/2021 12:59

@MooseBreath makes a really good point here m.

Original poster

LittleBirdy1 · 01/12/2021 12:59

I do support her and when I’ve looked after him for her he behaves, he knows I won’t give into his nonsense so doesn’t try it. I once removed him off my sofa for jumping on it, told him no and if he did it again he would have to sit on my bottom step in timeout. You guessed it he did it again, I sat him on the step closed the living room door and ignored his crying went to get him after his time and since then he hasn’t tried it on. He was terrible at school for the first week or so but soon realised that the teacher wouldn’t put up with it and now behaves like a normal 5 year old in reception. My point is he can behave so knows his behaviour is naughty but he also knows his mum gives him what he wants if he kicks off enough.

OP posts:

FabriqueBelgique · 01/12/2021 12:59

I know someone exactly like this. It bothers me a lot when people can’t keep their kids in control but keep having more. It just means home is a place of constant chaos for everyone and no-one gets their needs met and everyone screams all the time. They don’t seem to see the connection between cause and effect.

But yeah, it’s frustrating to see parents giving in to whinging. Its tough to deal with in the moment but parenting is a hard job, we have to do the work!

I wish there was a way to spread the word about following through with consequences, empowering mums not to take any nonsense from these tiny people!

KarmaViolet · 01/12/2021 13:00

@Santaischeckinglists

Urgh I had a friend like that. Had a constant stash of crappy snacks in her dd's baby bag to give her ds so we could manage a short trip to he shops. My dd's weren't perfect but were slightly miffed crisps and ket weren't coming their way. Glad when we stopped being friends tbh.

Crisps are a standard bribe but offering ket just to get to the supermarket is a step too far, you're right.

RubyTuesday70 · 01/12/2021 13:02

It's a learned behaviour, which is why he just kept on going. He knew she'd give in eventually.

My grandson tried it with me a few month ago ..... he wanted my phone but I have a no screentime rule when they're with me. After 40 minutes of complaining, I took him home. He's never asked for it since.

Tal45 · 01/12/2021 13:02

I guess she felt terrible that he had kicked you and so felt she had to give in at that point? I don't blame you for not wanting to be around that sort of situation though.

ThePoisonousMushroom · 01/12/2021 13:02

Poor woman, sounds like she’s having a really stressful time. Bet she feels like she will be judged regardless… if she’d have given him the phone immediately she’d have been judged for giving him whatever he wants, I’d wager.
His behaviour sounds extreme, has she considered whether he may have additional needs? The fact that he can behave with you or at school is irrelevant as often children with additional needs are able to mask when they’re with others. Does she have support from anyone?

Fallagain · 01/12/2021 13:02

She is causing/prolonging those tantrums. He knows if he keeps going then she will give in. I would happily give a cuddle to a child who was upset. Sounds like she is need of support with her parenting. It can be very tough at times and is easy to end up a pattern of behaviour or parenting which you don’t know how to get out of.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/12/2021 13:05

You are right of course, but it’s so hard to hold that line, especially with an audience. She must have been mortified that he kicked you!

I wonder if he does have SEN because that’s very extreme - has she thought about an assessment?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/12/2021 13:09

Very few children can actually keep going however long it takes for the adult to give in

For what it’s worth my exMIL said exh was like that - she said it made her worry about if a kid like that got abusive parents as you’d have been able to do anything and he wouldn’t back down

BogRollBOGOF · 01/12/2021 13:10

At 5, going for 30 minutes with that intensity and being an experienced parent with "normal range" children I'd be brewing towards suspecting additional needs.

At 5, DS could easily stand his ground for a couple of hours. He was 7 when the aggravation of SATs tipped me towards assessment after a series of intense meltdowns that lasted 3-4 hours. My shins have not forgotten. He was diagnosed at 9.

It's exhausting standing your ground in circumstances like that, especially if it's not private. As he's got older, he's got easier to read and diffuse. Removing stimulation works best and that includes my input into his behaviour. Then he needs comfort to recover. Then we can talk about it and any consequences or how to deal with the situation. Putting on a performance at the time is just more stimulation and more overwhelm.

Wanting to meet seperately is understandable, although in our case it means DS hasn't seen one grandma in two years which stings somewhat. Different with friends that are an adult to adult relationship.

sashh · 01/12/2021 13:13

Was this at your house or hers?

If it was me at my house I'd tell the 5 year old to behave and if he kicked me I would tell him that if he did it again I would kick him harder.

If it was at mum's I'd leave, but I would still tell the 5 year old why.

And yes I have threatened to kick a child in front of a parent.

SirensofTitan · 01/12/2021 13:16

Crisps are a standard bribe but offering ket just to get to the supermarket is a step too far, you're right

In what world are children bribed to behave with crisps? I've never come across that. Having said that I've never bribed my children with anything so maybe not the best person to ask

In the OP's case I'd be concerned that a child behaving like that needs some professional help, that is totally not on for a 5 year old imo

TheCanyon · 01/12/2021 13:17

Why didn't you tell him off?

megletthesecond · 01/12/2021 13:18

As her other 3 kids are OK it's probably more of an issue with extra needs for her 5yr old. I expect her spirit and energy are long broken. I've managed to not fuck up my eldest (15yrs) with boundaries but my youngest will keep going for ages and break everything.

And a 30 min tantrum as a lone parent is awful especially when they happen every day. It impacts on the other dcs and running of the house.

skodadoda · 01/12/2021 13:18

@LittleBirdy1

I think that demonstrates that he does not have special needs. The longer she allows him to get what he wants the worse he’s going to be. He will grow up to be someone who can’t control his temper and someone in a few years’ time will be telling us how abusive he is.

SirensofTitan · 01/12/2021 13:18

@sashh

Was this at your house or hers?

If it was me at my house I'd tell the 5 year old to behave and if he kicked me I would tell him that if he did it again I would kick him harder.

If it was at mum's I'd leave, but I would still tell the 5 year old why.

And yes I have threatened to kick a child in front of a parent.

I hope I never meet you, you sound vile. Who in their right mind threatens to kick children?

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/12/2021 13:19

Has Pre school or now school picks up on his behaviour

Tho sounds like he need boundaries. Like you gave him

Parents do give in for a quiet life but in the long term it’s not quiet

If he is breaking items , kicking you or others and throwing breaking stuff he needs to be told no and ideally removed from situation

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 01/12/2021 13:21

You can’t blame kids for doing it when they’ve been allowed to learn that it works! It’s maddeningly frustrating, though. I used to have a friend who’d say no, no, no, no, for 20 minutes, while her dd (at least 7 or 8 on one occasion I particularly remember) would scream and roar at full volume.

Her mother would then helplessly shrug and say, ‘Oh, go on, then..’ to whatever it was.
Cue instant beam of triumph from the dd.

Made me want to shake the mother, especially when my non-tantruming dd (same age) had been equally sanctioned for the same misbehaviour - and I wasn’t going to give in.

Also I used to work in a library, where a particularly pathetic mother of twin girls would invariably tell them that if they didn’t behave nicely (no screaming or running around bashing into old ladies) they would not be allowed to choose a DVD.

They would invariably misbehave anyway, and then start a full-volume wailing when told no DVD, then.
5 minutes of that, and she’d invariably do the helpless shrug/eye roll - and give in.
Cue smugly triumphant twins, every time.

Some parents really do deserve a good slap!

EmergencyHydrangea · 01/12/2021 13:35

@sashh

Was this at your house or hers?

If it was me at my house I'd tell the 5 year old to behave and if he kicked me I would tell him that if he did it again I would kick him harder.

If it was at mum's I'd leave, but I would still tell the 5 year old why.

And yes I have threatened to kick a child in front of a parent.

You would no longer be my friend if you did that, and I'd tell everyone that their children were not safe around you

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