Breaking point with 5 year old

[Mummypig7]

Sorry if this is in the wrong place, I wasn’t sure where to post. But I’m pretty much at breaking point with my 5 year old. He’s awkward, won’t listen, won’t do as he’s told. He’s just a nightmare. This morning on the way to school he takes my phone out of my pocket and runs off with it with his friends. I couldn’t get it back off him as I was in the school line with my pram. He then throws it on the wet grass twice now my volume is a bit hit and miss. He then throws himself onto the wet floor saying “ouch my leg” even though there was nothing wrong with it. A mum who I have got quite friendly with at school has a 2 year old in a buggy and he tries to kick him and she tells him not to do it (which is totally fine I don’t blame her, I could have strangled him) I was mortified. I haven’t brought him up to do things like that. I nearly ended up crying to her in frustration. I just don’t know what else I can do with him. I have tried all sorts. I’ve tried taking his tablet off him, no treats, naughty step, sticker chart for good behaviour. Nothing I do makes him behave. When I shout he will laugh and say “I’m not bothered” I’m just so exhausted with him

@Ceecee30 When we are walking to school on our own he is fine. Well most of the time. Sometimes he will run off from me and hide. It’s when he spots his friends he starts turning silly. It’s like he wants to show off or be the class clown. I have been called in a couple of times since September because he hasn’t listened or has been being cheeky. I think I will speak to his teacher at home time and see if she can suggest anything. Thank you x

I got into giving my 4 yr old youtube kids to watch recently and her behaviour went downhill dramatically. We had tantrums on the way too and from school, constant shouting, whining and baby talk. It was like the flashing screen and the constantly changing images frazzled her brain, and shortened her concentration span. It was also clearly quite addictive.
Strangely it just doesn't have the same effect on my other daughter - I don't know if being 3 years older makes the difference or whether they are just wired differently.

Instead now if I need to occupy her for 30 mins and she just won't play with toys, I put on something longer and less flashy like Stickman / The Snowman etc. Or I give her a drawing programme on my tablet where she has to create or colour something and then I give her lots of praise and print off the finished artwork to stick up.

I had to completely ban youtube for her to accept the change. Her behaviour is massively better though.
Could the tablet 'break' and 'go away for repair' for a couple of weeks and see if there is a change?

@tpmumtobe I have wondered if he is too young for roblox. I think I’ll delete it for now. He has lots of other games on his tablet more suitable for his age but he says they are ‘baby games’ He sometimes watches Minecraft videos on YouTube so getting him the game sounds a good idea

Hi op - is he year 1 or reception? I always say this on threads as I feel it so strongly but the leap to Year 1 / Year 2 is horrendous for some children - what is his day like? Is he sitting down a lot? Is he controlled/ his behaviour 'managed' constantly all day long? Is he having to do a lot of reading and writing?

I have a very energetic boy ! When he was in year 1 and 2 he was a nightmare - he needed to run around wildly !

IS there anyway he could get execrise before school? Breakfast club/ 20 mins in the park? I know it sounds bonkers but its such a tough day.

Big snack after school then instead of snack you take him for fresh air until dark, even tea out - then he can have the tv later, I would ban the roblox and just do kids tv.

Really the day is so so tough at that age for an energetic physical child - dont blame the child, blame the system. He may well be behaving at school but find it totally exhausting.

@EL1984 I have insta so I will have a look at that. Thank you for the ideas

@Rosieposie79 DS won’t play with his toys either. He likes to colour and draw now and then but he will get bored after a short while. I’ll look on the App Store and see if there is anything more calmer for him. I do think some of the games he plays aren’t good for him. When he comes off his tablet he seems to become more hyper

Yes @Mummypig7 I totally agree with what PPs are saying about the impact of screen time. Our TV conveniently 'broke' & can now only be used by control of my phone. The monitor is even turned to face the wall when I'm not present to monitor its use.
My dc were totally hooked on Netflix. There has been a huge improvement, though the first couple of weeks were hard.
It's been a good few days since Ds has asked for tv (I put a film on for him last week).
They do have tablets but again, only use for short periods & No interactive games.

As well as highlighting concerns to school (rest assured they will be dealing sit far worse behaviour) you may want your Screens to 'break' too for a few weeks. See if it helps.

It does also sound like he gets a lot from his peers finding him funny, which is more challenging to manage!

I expect he will grow through this regardless. You care & you're there for him, that's what really matters x

I've banned my daughter from YouTube as well. It was affecting her behaviour. Now if she's good she's allowed 10 mins on Netflix . She doesn't play any games on the tablet etc. She loves jigsaws and can sit for hours doing them.

I think she's getting overwhelmed with school and takes to lashing out.

I am getting to the point where I dread picking her up incase she's done something again. They also seem to only speak to me and not her dad which is starting to affect my mental health.

The other night they decided to try and call me at 5pm!

What has he been like as a child generally. Shouting can be a way to regulate sensory processing difficulties. After school meltdowns could indicate this too. Is he quite sensory seeking? Demand avoidant? Is he high energy? Sleeping enough? Try and focus on triggers more than punishments and see if that helps. Eg if you see the signs you get him out of the playground asap. Give him space and no demands ... a chance to decompress. Hand him a big snack straight away and sit him in same spot to eat it. A routine. Get OT to assess him for sensory needs. This time of year difficult. Is he having to sit really still whilst class rehearsing for school play etc.

@Wondergirl100 I completely agree with you about the expectations of school. My DS is in year 1 and he complains all the time that there’s no playing, too much writing. Most of the naughty behaviours his teacher has told me about, she has told me a few times that “the other children do what they’re told” etc, which is first of all really unhelpful and means I’ve taken a dislike to her (so god help my 5 year old) but also, I was genuinely surprised, that in a class of 30, the rest of the children do what they’re asked straight away/listen/aren’t fidgety and sometimes cheeky.

@Wondergirl100 He is in year 1. He turned 5 at the end of august. He will come home and say he’s been doing phonics and maths, sometimes he will say they have sat on the carpet watching something. He has PE twice a week. At parents evening they told me his is a little behind on reading and writing but he is on the right track with maths. I don’t have time to take him to the park before school but I could after school. He does have a lot of energy to burn, he can’t seem to keep still

What punishment did they give him at school that worked?

@girlmom21 He said he had to miss playtime

[quote Mummypig7]@girlmom21 He said he had to miss playtime[/quote]
Ah and I've seen similar punishments don't work at home.

How good is his understanding? Can he tell you why he behaves in the way he does?

Maybe ask him what would happen at school if he behaved that way and what he thinks his punishment should be. He might start to understand his behaviour is bad when he's deciding his own punishments.

Instead of taking things away, could you replace his free time with a chore?
He's misbehaved so instead of playing on his tablet for the evening he can tidy his bedroom instead, for example?

DS won’t play with his toys either. He likes to colour and draw now and then but he will get bored after a short while. I’ll look on the App Store and see if there is anything more calmer for him.

I'm sorry but you need find him activity and play which isn't around a screen not finding him more apps, I expect he'd play with his toy if that was the only option! He needs to be active in his play for his development he's only 5. If he likes being creative set up more crafts for him. Does he not even like lego? Perhaps he needs to be shown how to play, rather than taking him out or giving him treats can you and his dad take time to sit and talk to him and show him how to play?

I think it might well be telling that he tried to kick a toddler in a pram and may be redirecting feelings about his new sibling so I wouldn't dismiss how much the new baby has affected him.

I had a 'runner' too. I kept a wrist strap in my bag, and let her know loud and clear that if she ran, then she would be caught and put on the baby lead, in front of all her friends. That stopped that issue.

woah, he should NOT be missing playtime! 'playtime' is when he gets exercise and fresh air - that is a totally unacceptable punishment for a 5 year old. How is he expected to sit still and listen if he isn't given time to destress/ unwind - be a child in fact.

Please talk to the school and say he is struggling with the structure - and needs more slack not more punishment.

Isn't there a surge of testosterone about the age of 5? My kids are older now but I'm sure I read that around 5 (and again at 7) boys can be affected by these surges?

and please - there seem to be peopel having a go at the OP for a pretty normal amount of screen time - while I'm sure it's admirable that some children come home from school and play with toys, there are some very high ideals on mumsnet - most kids watch an hour or two of tv especially when they are tired on dark winter nights.

Poor you 😩 you have my sympathies and I have a 6yo who tripped over and fell this morning. Even though I said don't run, before we left for school. Doesn't listen. He is very intense.

Watching thread for advice!

God it does upset me how children are treated at the age of 5 and 6 in this country. In other countries (really, most other countries) formal education ie. sitting and reading and writing - starts at 7! At this age a child would be running round a kindergarten learning through play - having exercise instead of feeling constantly shamed and judged for not wantitng to sit still

A friend of mine was a TA in year one and said she couldn't bear it as she spent so much time 'shaming' children for not being able to sit still. Children should be moving, it's healthy and natural.

Sadly this is the reality of school in this country but I would focus on giving him ltos of exercise after school - my son was better behaved in summer as he got more exercise after school so the day wasn't as disaastrous for him

@Wondergirl100 my DS was put on the naughty storm cloud for shouting out something silly instead of reciting his times tables with the rest of the class. While I was mortified to hear this and wish he hadn't (and I wish he was one of the other children who just sat quietly, doing what he was told, as I would worry a lot less about him), I do find the expectation of reciting times tables as a whole class at age 5...unrealistic.

Apparently I am the one who's wrong though, and most children that age can manage it.

Don't underestimate the effect of things like certain YouTube channels and games like Roblox on children's behaviour. The change can be astonishing when these things are removed. My 6.5 year old still doesn't have Roblox at all. My 9 year old has very limited use of it.

I'd be permanently removing the tablet and access to anything like Youtube. Half an hour of CBeebies a day is ample screentime for a 5yo. And if he can't be trusted not to run off or to come back when called, put a wrist strap on him and make sure his friends at school see it.

I would suggest:

• less screen-time, given in clear amounts eg 30 minutes a day.
• a few clear, firm boundaries. Have the rules pinned up on a wall to help you remember. Implement them immediately: eg if you’re in the line at school, the priority is still discipline. Step out of the line, take him somewhere quiet for time out and explain how you expect him to behave. I also recommend counting: eg stop by the time I’ve counted to 3, if you haven’t stopped I take away 5 minutes of screen-time (make sure you do). Avoid taking away all of it because then they have nothing to lose!
• MOST IMPORTANT: praise and positive attention. Not special treats but regular daily time with you. Eg every night before bed 20 minutes where you play together and he chooses the game. Notice everything good that he does: “thank you for standing quietly in the line with me”, “you’re being so gentle with your sister” etc etc. Feels forced at first but is really important. Be specific and truthful in your praise - if you don’t know what to say just describe what you see: “you brushed your teeth” with a warm tone and smile.

If you do the above consistently (even if it doesn’t appear to work at first - give it a few weeks) you will hopefully notice an improvement. It’s hard so well done for asking for help.

Yeah they take playtime and lunchtime away from my dd as well. Which ends up in her being more annoyed.