Can't / Won't Support DH

[freezingtoes12]

I perhaps need some perspective. I will try to be careful as people know me on here and I've NC.

Growing up, my dad couldn't hold down a stable job. My mum worked miserably and desperately wanted to be a SAHM but couldn't because of money. Eventually my parents ran a hospitality business until my dad was in an accident and could no longer work. I was 10 when this happened and so for most of my life, my dad hasn't worked (I'm aware he is now disabled and it's fair). My parents' working together caused many arguments and has emotionally scarred me as an adult and I suffer with MH issues.

This is relevant because DH has a very stable profession. It is definitely something I found hugely attractive in him. I was a student at the time and my ex had been a lazy, abusive drug addict so he was a breath of fresh air.

Now, DH's job is very stressful. He is struggling to cope. But I feel the need to point out it has ONLY become stressful in COVID, he used to spend all day on social media / news before the pandemic during the day as he was never THAT busy (still performed well though). He is now struggling but not just because of the workload, he has taken on a separate job (related to his career) 12 hours a week, on top of his full time job.

Now this extra works is self-employed and so through tax efficient schemes it seems like a lot of money to him. However, compared to the benefits of his actual job (Huge pension, good holidays, good paternity, good normal pay) this second job is spending money.

DH keeps threatening to quit. Whenever it gets hard he looks up other jobs. This annoys me from two perspectives: the safety net and his ambition. I find it so unattractive that his own time management/laziness has affected his work and so it is stressful and that in turn makes him upset when he is given poor feedback.

He also wants to quit his profession to open a restaurant. He has no restaurant experience beyond waitering when he was 18 and studying.

FWIW I have a well paying career / profession that I don't love necessarily but stick it out at least for maternity pay as we going to TTC in a year's time (when I qualify for EMP).

I have no interest in reliving my parents' experience or my childhood and I would most likely want a divorce if he went for it - but is that just entirely selfish of me?

Sorry this is long!

I dont quite understand… you’d divorce him if he quit his second job?

I don't think itnis fair for you to limit his career choices.

However I do think it is entirely fair for you to say this is not what I want out of a relationship. This relationship is therefore no longer for me.

Tbf I don't think I could live with that constant uncertainty either...

You can't force someone to stay in a job that they're struggling with.

I'm sorry for your childhood but you can't let it ruin your marriage and potentially your DH's mental health as well.

@lastqueenofscotland

I dont quite understand… you’d divorce him if he quit his second job?

I think IP means she'd consider divorce if he quit his main job.

But your point remains. Why are you planning to TTC if your marriage is obviously so shaky and based on his career choices?

Certainly don't consider TTC with him. And restaurants are absolutely notorious for leaching money then closing.

But if he doesn't like his job, he should look for something else. Not pie in the sky but real. And now is the time, with no real commitments.

And yes, you can decide this isn't for you. Find someone who shares your goals.

I think you do sound a bit selfish tbh. You sound very concerned with how much money he makes and how he should keep earning regardless of what he actually wants.

So you will stick with your job at least until you have kids….what then? Do you expect to be able to give up work? You won’t support DH (fair enough) but do you expect him to stay in a job he doesn’t like to support you as a SAHM? You are quite vague about that bit.

it has ONLY become stressful in COVID, he used to spend all day on social media / news before the pandemic during the day as he was never THAT busy (still performed well though).

So, really he has always been a bit ineffectual on the job front, but until Covid it didn't matter because he had a stable job that didn't demand too much from him?

I find it so unattractive that his own time management/laziness has affected his work and so it is stressful and that in turn makes him upset when he is given poor feedback.

But that's how he always was. He hasn't changed, only the circumstances have changed. His main job which was easy before has become stressful, and he is trying to do extra work.

He is now struggling but not just because of the workload, he has taken on a separate job (related to his career) 12 hours a week, on top of his full time job.

So.. what do you really want him to do? Give up the second job and focus on his "easy" main job? Or struggle along with both? Or do you want to split up because he just isn't the stable rock you were hoping for?

He certainly doesn't sound very practical. Opening a restaurant right now has got to be the riskiest career move ever! I agree with pp, don't plan a child while things are this uncertain.

He is entitled to do what he wants at the moment while you don't have kids to consider.

But you are also perfectly entitled to say you don't want to support him. You have seen first hand the damage that can be caused when one partner is not on board with the other's career choices.

I also agree that TTC is a terrible idea.

I think you would be unreasonable to say he cant quit his job. It's not fair to force someone to stay in a job that they genuinely hate.

I think its perfectly reasonable to say you wont support him starting a restaurant. I have a close family member who works in this trade and the hours are awful (hed be doing over 80 hours pw), it's completely unsocial and incompatible with family life - working every xmas and Nye, weekends etc. Alcoholism, divorce etc. is rife because it's so stressful. The average age is 20s and then in their late 30s everyone starts leaving as they can't physically take it. Only 1 in 3 new restaurants are successful and I imagine without experience in the field it's much harder.

I also think its reasonable for you to say that he isnt happy and you will support him doing something that makes him happy as long as a. It doesnt massively increase the pressure on you indefinitely (eg if he wanted to retrain in something that had a definite training period and a good chance of a job after such as teacher or accountant I'd support this but quitting to follow a dream with no experience or realistic expectations I wouldn't support) and b. He has a solid plan and takes steps to help himself. So someone gaining work experience, making a sideways move, or even a backwards move if they need to if it cut down stress would all be fine. Just quitting to try a few things or do a start up wouldht be fine. Does he want to make a full time business out of his side business? If not then why is he doing it, couldn't he stop and use that time to de stress or up skill for his existing job?

The restaurant thing sounds daft but other than that YABitU getting annoyed at him for wanting to quit his job although it could well be that your history is playing a part in that.

so he has to do what you want? YABU in spades. If you don't want what he can offer then leave but don't try and be the boss because you are not.

@freezingtoes12 I have been in a similar situation. My position was that he didn’t have to do his current job but that any new job had to meet certain criteria ie we had three kids to raise and he had to make a similar contribution on the cash and the time for the kids as in his current job, not necessarily on day 1 in a new career but within a reasonable time. I also work but am not up for taking on all the financial / childcare responsibilities. It can be hard to make a good plan for the next stage when you are busy and stressed in this stage so if possible maybe encourage your DH to take a break of some kind before making any big decisions eg quit second job, take some unpaid leave, go part time for a bit. Last thing is we obviously had kids together so I really didn’t want to split whereas you don’t so this may be a more realistic solution is you can’t agree. Good luck

Cross post with @DrinkFeckArseBrick but I think we are saying something similar

An extra 12 hours on top of full time work would stress anyone out, even if they liked the jobs. Is he absolutely wedded to the extra job? Doesn't sound as though you need the money and there's no point spending so much time at work that you've no opportunity to enjoy what you're earning.

DH's job is very stressful. He is struggling to cope. But I feel the need to point out it has ONLY become stressful in COVID, he used to spend all day on social media / news before the pandemic during the day as he was never THAT busy (still performed well though)
Regardless of what it was like 2 years ago, pre-Covid, it's a stressful job now. The fact that it never used to be is irrelevant.

He is now struggling but not just because of the workload, he has taken on a separate job (related to his career) 12 hours a week, on top of his full time job.
Why did he do this? And that must mean he is working about 50 hours a week, without any overtime for either job,
No wonder he's stressed!

Now this extra works is self-employed and so through tax efficient schemes it seems like a lot of money to him.
Is it a lot of money? Why does it seem like a lot of money to him, but presumably not to you?

However, compared to the benefits of his actual job (Huge pension, good holidays, good paternity, good normal pay) this second job is spending money.
Isn't that what all jobs are for? - spending money? Assume the extra spending money is good for the whole family, not just DH.

DH keeps threatening to quit. Whenever it gets hard he looks up other jobs. This annoys me from two perspectives: the safety net and his ambition.
Which job is he threatening to quit?

I find it so unattractive that his own time management/laziness has affected his work and so it is stressful and that in turn makes him upset when he is given poor feedback.
Sounds to me it's not his own time management, but his desire to earn extra spending money and to hold down two jobs in order to achieve this. Surely both jobs will suffer.

You can hardly call someone who does two jobs lazy.

He also wants to quit his profession to open a restaurant. He has no restaurant experience beyond waitering when he was 18 and studying.
This is a whole separate argument.

FWIW I have a well paying career / profession that I don't love necessarily but stick it out at least for maternity pay as we going to TTC in a year's time (when I qualify for EMP).
This has nothing to do with anything really

In short, your DH wants to quit his second job, the job that brings in "spending money", although both your job, and his job are both well paid.

What's the problem?

I find it so unattractive that his own time management/laziness has affected his work and so it is stressful

How is he lazy? He's working two jobs, well over full time hours. What is this laziness and how has it affected his work negatively?

Doesn't he read the news? Isn't he aware of how may restaurants have shut in the last two years? Tell him to walk around the nearest town and count up the number of tables used in restaurants.

He'd have to be absolutely insane to start a new business in hospitality right now, even if he had experience and skills in that area. Given he has neither, he's even crazier to think he, of all people, could make it work.

Here's an article for him' to read.

And here's another.

You've said

Growing up, my dad couldn't hold down a stable job. My mum worked miserably and desperately wanted to be a SAHM but couldn't because of money.

and

FWIW I have a well paying career / profession that I don't love necessarily but stick it out at least for maternity pay as we going to TTC in a year's time (when I qualify for EMP).

I may be misinterpreting, but it sounds as though you might think your dad and now your husband should work so that your mum and you don't have to?

There are 2 separate problems

1. him wanting to open restaurant without experience

2. him wanting to quit his job. You say that you are disappointed to his lack of ambition, he's just not an ambitious person. You also say he is looking for a new job. Isn't that good? He is not thrashing to quit without having anything else lined up? Are you worried about the job having a lesser status or lesser pay?

( 3) his second job. But I don't know how it fits to the story)

Is he actually serious though or just sounding off? We all have day dreams of jobs we would like to do.

Do you want to be a sahm?

You're only 'sticking out' your well-paying career for maternity pay... so presumably you intend to be a SAHM? You don't intend to return to work?

How do you square this with not wanting to support him?