Can't / Won't Support DH

[freezingtoes12]

I perhaps need some perspective. I will try to be careful as people know me on here and I've NC.

Growing up, my dad couldn't hold down a stable job. My mum worked miserably and desperately wanted to be a SAHM but couldn't because of money. Eventually my parents ran a hospitality business until my dad was in an accident and could no longer work. I was 10 when this happened and so for most of my life, my dad hasn't worked (I'm aware he is now disabled and it's fair). My parents' working together caused many arguments and has emotionally scarred me as an adult and I suffer with MH issues.

This is relevant because DH has a very stable profession. It is definitely something I found hugely attractive in him. I was a student at the time and my ex had been a lazy, abusive drug addict so he was a breath of fresh air.

Now, DH's job is very stressful. He is struggling to cope. But I feel the need to point out it has ONLY become stressful in COVID, he used to spend all day on social media / news before the pandemic during the day as he was never THAT busy (still performed well though). He is now struggling but not just because of the workload, he has taken on a separate job (related to his career) 12 hours a week, on top of his full time job.

Now this extra works is self-employed and so through tax efficient schemes it seems like a lot of money to him. However, compared to the benefits of his actual job (Huge pension, good holidays, good paternity, good normal pay) this second job is spending money.

DH keeps threatening to quit. Whenever it gets hard he looks up other jobs. This annoys me from two perspectives: the safety net and his ambition. I find it so unattractive that his own time management/laziness has affected his work and so it is stressful and that in turn makes him upset when he is given poor feedback.

He also wants to quit his profession to open a restaurant. He has no restaurant experience beyond waitering when he was 18 and studying.

FWIW I have a well paying career / profession that I don't love necessarily but stick it out at least for maternity pay as we going to TTC in a year's time (when I qualify for EMP).

I have no interest in reliving my parents' experience or my childhood and I would most likely want a divorce if he went for it - but is that just entirely selfish of me?

Sorry this is long!

DH is the sole earner in our house, I am a SAHM. He mostly enjoys his job but he does have a side job and talks about trying to expand that and dreams of being self-employed someday. Our lives, house, everything depend on him keeping his good wage but I always say and have always said to him that I would rather sell up and go live in a cardboard box than him be unhappy in his work. His mental health is far more important to me than anything else in our lives that we are currently fortunate enough to enjoy. It’s worth bearing in mind the prevalence of male suicide and mental health problems. I think your childhood has really coloured your view on this and you are not seeing it clearly. Your husband who you are supposed to love has come to you and told you he is unhappy, and rather than helping him find a way to be happy again you are preparing for divorce. Ludicrous. I definitely don’t think you should be having children together.

I may be misinterpreting, but it sounds as though you might think your dad and now your husband should work so that your mum and you don't have to?

This!

He was attractive when you were a student because he had a good job and you don’t want him to give it up!

Are you worried about money? It sounds like in the past it has been a struggle and now you feel you are secure you are scared everything may change.

Simply out YABU.

Your DH is not doing anything out of the ordinary in considering other options for work. The majority of people now no longer spend their entire career at a single employer.

He is not saying he will quit and not work. He is looking at other jobs and also has some self employed work currently supplementing his income which presumably would remain.

Consider some therapy if this is such a hard issue for you

Yabu for wanting him to stay at a job he no longer wants to do and Is struggling with, it will end up affecting his mh. My dh left a job he could no longer stand and it was affecting his mh. I'm not entirely happy with the hours of the job but his mh has improved and I'd rather that than him struggling mentally.

Opening a restaurant is very risky imo. And yanbu to be worried about income etc a lot of places have closed.

I mean it's pretty superficial to see your relationship as nothing more than a means to acquire financial stability. That can be part of it but it's hardly like hes proposing to stop all forms of paid employment

You can't hold him back if he has serious career aspirations, that's not fair, but at the same time I would also find it questionable someone with no catering experience opening a restaurant...

It is OK to prioritise financial security and not want to be with someone who doesn't think about it in the same way.

Lots of people (men and women) slog it out for years in jobs they don't particularly enjoy to provide security for their families without complaining about it.

If my DH wanted to change jobs because it was making him unhappy, I would sit down with him and talk about how we could achieve that but still be in a position to meet our financial commitments. And I would offer to up my hours at work if he wanted to reduce his and take on more of the home/childcare stuff.

Does he know how much children cost? I don't think people realise how expensive children are until they have them.

And personally I would be very unimpressed by my partner proposing to sink our savings into a speculative scheme (which tbh is how I would see this restaurant scheme), slog it out night after night for potentially very little money and use that as an excuse to dump both being the main breadwinner and most of the childcare on me.

There's a weird vibe in your messages that you feel that your mum and now you are entitled to be SAHM's... I don't agree at all. If you don't feel like this, then it comes across that way, and maybe it comes across that way to your DH as well and may be making him feel pressured and trapped (and resentful!)

I also think if you love someone you shouldn't want them to be miserable for most of their life (which work sadly is). I agree the restaurant thing sounds impulsive and risky but he could maybe find a different job that he would be happier in.

Sorry I disappeared.

I wasn’t clear.

The divorce would come if he quit his main job AND decided to do something like open a restaurant. He is threatening to quit with no job lined up. The reason his main job is so hard is because of his second job.

Then it seems the obvious thing to do is quit the second job. What's his reason for not wanting to?

You sound so stressful. Do both of you a favour and part ways.

@MrsFin no DH wants to quit main stable job. The second job is self employed and only makes him spare money because of tax efficiency schemes he can take advantage of because of having a main job.

His ideal scenario is quit his main job, do his second job which can’t increase from 12 hours a week anyway, and open a restaurant. He also wants / needs me to help with that.

YABU to expect your OH to stay in a job he dislikes. Yes it was easier before the pandemic, but who knows if and when we will go back to pre-pandemic ways of working and workloads.

YANBU to sit and have a chat about future aspirations, your financial commitments and how he plans to contribute to them. Like an actual spreadsheet with costs and future expenses, including childcare. I did it with my OH before we bought a house together and it meant we came to an understanding about how we would view our joint finances.

I would not put all our money into a restaurant venture with little to no experience. But I would support OH if he wanted a career change and his income dropped as a result.

Also talk in detail how having children would fit around running a new restaurant and the hours that would entail. Would you be doing all the collections and evening bedtimes, would he be working weekends too? How would you share household tasks? And how much time to yourself would you both be able to get? You both need to be aware of what implications your life changes will have on the other person and vice versa so you can know whether you're willing to sign up for it.

Can he not cut his hours at the 2nd job. (I assume he enjoys it otherwise why do it on top of a main job) .You both work so the extra money can't be that vital. Another main job isn't going to solve much if he insists on another 12 hours a week. The restaurant idea is la la land. It will require massive investment & start up costs , the hours are crazy.