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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave second job

50 replies

Onthedowns · 30/11/2021 12:33

So I have a part time job working 19 hrs a week in emergency services been there nearly 14 years. Flexible good pension etc.

After I had my son I took a second job waitressing after I went back to primary job when he was 12 months old. I generally do shifts at the weekend a week. Both evenings to help with childcare as my husband is home.

Both my children are now in primary school. I have two days 'off' a week.

I am being investigated for being perimenopausal and I also have a bladder related long term condition diagnosed over 8 years ago for which i receive monthly hospital treatment.

Waitressing job was and has paid for the extras like holiday spending, trips for children etc on paper we can manage without.

Obviously there are tips but over the past two years these are declining and because i get taxed on this job i bring home between 200 250 a month depending on hours.

Now with my health problems and also just having enough of doing this job now for nearly 6 years. Obviously hospitality is cutthroat and never received any benefits except staff discount. Management are awful no empathy or allowances for my DDA illness. Rota changes etc zero hours contract

I am scheduled to work Christmas day this year and i think it's tipped me over the edge so after a discussion with DH we agreed to hand my notice in

However we are now having blazing rows as he is worried about money. On paper we can manage just need to cut back on things. He says i need to be doing more hours than 19 a week. With January coming we will be using savings etc to pay for Christmas. He basically doesn't want me to leave despite not wanting me to work Christmas day - this will be from 1045 till about 7pm.

He doesn't understand i cannot get out of working this day but equally with my health and mental health i have just had enough.

I have applied for another bank job but in an office and there is always overtime at my primary job. I do all the household tasks etc cooking cleaning sorting kids. He helps with drop offs etc.

We cannot keep rowing whose being unreasonable?

OP posts:

RedCarsGoFaster · 30/11/2021 12:38

Can you increase your hours in the day job? Do you want to?

There are literally dozens of hospitality jobs in my small town - I'd imagine you'd be snapped up quickly in the industry. Are there jobs available?

Blahdyblahbla · 30/11/2021 12:43

I guess he is struggling with the burden of being the higher earner, and would like you to keep contributing the extra £200 to the pot now that the children are at school.
Can you just pick up the extra hours at your main job, and explain that the domestic load you carry on your days off now needs to be split?

De88 · 30/11/2021 12:44

He is being unreasonable.

You have health problems
You get taxed more on you second job that is taking more out of you than you get in return
You've already worked out you can afford it
There is overtime at your primary job...
And you've applied for another bank job

So what's the real problem?

Sparklesocks · 30/11/2021 12:45

So does your husband work full time?

Original poster

Onthedowns · 30/11/2021 12:46

@RedCarsGoFaster

Can you increase your hours in the day job? Do you want to?

There are literally dozens of hospitality jobs in my small town - I'd imagine you'd be snapped up quickly in the industry. Are there jobs available?

There are but equally i would like to have one Christmas off with my children i have always for 5 years worked over Christmas in some capacity. My plan is to relook in January but occ health for primary job etc is also recommending i take time out

OP posts:

Original poster

Onthedowns · 30/11/2021 12:47

@Blahdyblahbla

I guess he is struggling with the burden of being the higher earner, and would like you to keep contributing the extra £200 to the pot now that the children are at school. Can you just pick up the extra hours at your main job, and explain that the domestic load you carry on your days off now needs to be split?

Yes i could but equally i try and leave it because i am around in school holidays saving childcare

OP posts:

Original poster

Onthedowns · 30/11/2021 12:49

@Sparklesocks

So does your husband work full time?

He works full time we both did until I had my DD who is nearly 10 my plan is to increase my primary hours job when both are older and less reliable on me.

He could if he wanted to try and move positions within his company. He's been with me for 21 years. However i don't throw this at him

OP posts:

Original poster

Onthedowns · 30/11/2021 12:51

@De88

He is being unreasonable.

You have health problems
You get taxed more on you second job that is taking more out of you than you get in return
You've already worked out you can afford it
There is overtime at your primary job...
And you've applied for another bank job

So what's the real problem?

I guess the real problem is we have come to rely on that extra money when really we shouldn't need to

OP posts:

rookiemere · 30/11/2021 13:08

Sorry but I don't think you answered the question about increasing hours in your primary job - obviously post Christmas and when you are feeling better. That would make more sense as you'd get pension increases and sick pay etc.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 30/11/2021 13:22

@rookiemere

Well i am currently thinking of overtime until i am in a place to be able to do it permanently. DH is getting at me being lazy but doesn't understand the hospitality job is knackering late nights sometimes. Very very busy shifts. Not enough drinking or using loo for my bladder not good.my mental health with perimenopause has not been good hence seeking help with primary job.

However DH sees that i should be able to do it as its only a few hours a, week and I only work 19 hours a week

OP posts:

Original poster

Onthedowns · 30/11/2021 13:25

@rookiemere

I also have never gone full time with two young children as we would struggle with childcare and have to pay during holidays etc therefore all but wiping our any advantage. Once mine are a bit more self sufficient i would definately commit more permanent there

OP posts:

Crazycrazylady · 30/11/2021 13:33

Honestly I feel for your husband in this,

I know I would not be happy if my husband said he wanted to cut back on his hours at work meaning we would have to sacrifice the little extras in our lives, I'd be really angry
19 hours really isn't very much and both your kids are in school, one of then is 10. i probably wouldn't classify these are "very young" children at this stage and think that both people is a relationship need to share the load

rookiemere · 30/11/2021 13:38

I didn't mean go full time with your main job, but is it possible to increase hours a bit there ?

Original poster

Onthedowns · 30/11/2021 13:48

@Crazycrazylady

Honestly I feel for your husband in this,

I do see his side but also physically and mentally i have had enough of toppling two jobs one of which is anti social. I absolutely do not want to work Christmas day this year after the years I have had. I am aware lots of people have no choice. I just can't do it at the moment.

I understand he is the main earner but that's always been the case even when i was full time. I appreciate my kids are older my DS is 5 but after school and holiday clubs would wipe out a large chunk of any increase in primary job.

We won't be on the bread line and I haven't ruled out just doing 19 hours but just for a couple of months so I can sort myself out.

My two days off are spent cleaning washing shopping cooking etc. I dont go out shopping having girks lunches etc

OP posts:

Original poster

Onthedowns · 30/11/2021 13:49

@rookiemere

I didn't mean go full time with your main job, but is it possible to increase hours a bit there ?

Certainly lots of overtime at the moment

OP posts:

RedCarsGoFaster · 30/11/2021 14:11

Not overtime, a permanent negotiation of aim increase in hours. Which of the emergency services are you? Are you in the control rooms or something?

Original poster

Onthedowns · 30/11/2021 14:32

@RedCarsGoFaster

Not overtime, a permanent negotiation of aim increase in hours. Which of the emergency services are you? Are you in the control rooms or something?

Not control rooms no flexibility there. I am very wary in permanently increasing my hours until such a time my health particularly any HRT has settled. I also have to have permission from primary job to do second job. I am therefore wary of second job interfering with primary, particularly when they are providing a lot of assistance with both my conditions

OP posts:

RedCarsGoFaster · 30/11/2021 15:21

Which is why I'd bin the second job completely and stop losing so much to tax there, plus I assume no pensions, and increase your hours in the main job. Even to 24 or something?

I don't know about you, but I'd be worried about the hospitality industry closing down again this winter. Your day job is surely good job security as well as pensionable.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 30/11/2021 15:29

@RedCarsGoFaster

Which is why I'd bin the second job completely and stop losing so much to tax there, plus I assume no pensions, and increase your hours in the main job. Even to 24 or something?

I don't know about you, but I'd be worried about the hospitality industry closing down again this winter. Your day job is surely good job security as well as pensionable.

Well yes i have a good pension sick pay etc. But at the moment i can do overtime at weekends for more per hour than second job and also if i am having a bad day i am not committed to do that shift.

I understand the initial minor drop in income but we aren't losing thousands a month

OP posts:

Original poster

Onthedowns · 30/11/2021 15:39

Obviously if i knew or thought the drop would leave us short for bills etc i would have to try and work it out

OP posts:

TokyoSushi · 30/11/2021 15:45

Agree that you should drop the second job and work overtime in your day job, I assume that wouldn't be both weekend evenings either? Even if you picked up one more shift it sounds like it would help.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/11/2021 15:54

Definitely bin the second job. It also seems like this is in fairly antisocial hours, which is probably preventing you getting the rest you need.

Your husband can surely be more flexible with his work hours so that child care is more equal, and you can increase your primary job hours?

Lifewith · 30/11/2021 16:00

Where's his concern for your health? What do you he 'helps' with the house. That should be equal

So many shit comments on here, what's the point of being married if he is not concerned for you?

Lifewith · 30/11/2021 16:01

Let him be flexible and do the childcare and you find full time. Let him see how hard it is.

THisbackwithavengeance · 30/11/2021 16:02

Your DH is a cheeky arse for insinuating that you are lazy when you work 2 jobs plus do all the housework.

For that reason alone, I would resign from the second job. You'll probably find your employer begs you to stay and gives you xmas day off, he"ll be that desperate to keep long standing decent staff.

If you need a bit of extra xmas cash, there are jobs going begging round here in loads of different sectors not just hospitality.

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