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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think partner drinks too much

40 replies

Hobnobsplease · 30/11/2021 01:01

OH has no stop button when he drinks. He thinks he's still 20 but he's 50 and when he drinks he gets shitfaced and he can't handle it. He won't see that he drinks too much and disagrees that he can't handle it even when he throws up and feels awful the next day.

AIBU to want to tell him / ask him to drink less /stay in control or at least not get rat arsed every time??

I don't want to tell him what to do, it's his life but it's affecting mine and it'll affect his health. We don't live together but plan to in a few years.

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 30/11/2021 01:16

sounds like an alcohol dependence problem.
do you really want to live with that, because i wouldn't.

MissConductUS · 30/11/2021 01:25

Lack of an off switch is a common symptom of alcoholism. Its a progressive disease and will get worse over time. Ask him to quit drinking for a month and see what happens.

LagunaBubbles · 30/11/2021 01:32

Its hard to say how often does he get like that?

Suzanne999 · 30/11/2021 01:34

I think you can state your concern over his drinking ( when he’s sober, not hung over and there’s been no argument between you) His response to your concern ( it’s a concern, not a criticism) will tell you if he has a drink dependency. It’s worth reading the signs of a drink problem such as www.drinkaware.co.uk/facts/health-effects-of-alcohol/mental-health/alcoholism
It’s possible he’ll deny he has a problem, or even insist you have a problem, not him.
If you suspect he is an alcoholic, even a high functioning one, I’d say from experience avoid like the plague. He will not only destroy his life but he’ll have a good shot at yours too. ( sorry to be blunt)

Pascal80 · 30/11/2021 01:35

50 year old alcoholic in denial. Don't live with him - please. His old age will be full of illness and depression.
If illness hasn't started already, it soon will come in in full force. And you can't do anything to get him to stop - not love, threats, treats, distractions, begging, being logical, getting him to AA - nothing.

Also, a lot of people go on about ''rehab''. They have been reading too many trashy magazines. Rehab for alcoholism is 6 month inpatient and costs a fortune. It has pretty much gone on the NHS and even 20 years ago there was no provision available, even in desperate cases.

Very few alcoholics will recover and stop drinking.

Original poster
Hobnobsplease · 30/11/2021 01:42

@LagunaBubbles

Its hard to say how often does he get like that?
It's not often, but when he's out that's the way it goes.
OP posts:
Original poster
Hobnobsplease · 30/11/2021 01:52

My ex husband was the same and he couldn't stop either. I'm gutted to think I might be looking at the same thing again.

OH doesn't drink during the week and he doesn't go out all the time, just when he does it always goes the same way.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/11/2021 01:55

He will never, ever change, and you've gone from one man with a drinking problem to another. You'd be a fool to move in with him.

Lou98 · 30/11/2021 01:58

I think it really depends how often he's doing it - not really sure how so many people here have diagnosed him as an alcoholic when you haven't said - from your OP it could be once/twice a year which definitely isn't a problem in my opinion.

When I go out, I get drunk. Regardless of how much I drink I'm usually sick the next day, I have a weak stomach but I don't go out often at all, definitely isn't an alcohol problem.

If he's treating you badly with a drink in him then that's of course not okay and needs to be dealt with but if he's occasionally going out and getting drunk I don't see that as an issue.

If on the other hand, it's a weekly occurrence then yeah there's definitely a problem of some sort there

23MinutesfromTuIseHill · 30/11/2021 02:07

If he's 50 and still gets to the point of throwing up, he isn't even any good at drinking.

Minceandonions · 30/11/2021 06:59

I'd find it totally unacceptable for a 50 year old to be drinking so much that they regularly throw up.
Can you say you don't feel comfortable living together with his current alcohol habits and ask for some changes?
However, is he likely to want to change if he's made it to thise age without already doing so?

RampantIvy · 30/11/2021 07:02

Please do not move on with him.

thepeopleversuswork · 30/11/2021 07:57

YANBU to find his behaviour unreasonable.
YABU to ask him to drink/less "stay in control". He can't. He's an alcoholic.

I'm sorry to be blunt but this is not good news. You can't influence or control an alcoholic and attempting to do so will just drive you mad. Alcohol is more important to him than you are and he probably quit. You cannot rationalise or put pressure on an alcoholic. The only conceivable way he could stop is if it becomes clear that he's already lost everything. Even then its not guaranteed.

You basically have two options: put up with this and accept that this is your life, or leave. It's a binary choice.

You mention your ex husband was like this? I think you need to spend a bit of time trying to work out why you are drawn to alcoholics. Then spend some time on your own.

Leave him OP. It won't end well. Sorry but there is no third way here.

thepeopleversuswork · 30/11/2021 07:58

And also as RampantIvy says, whatever you do, do not move in with him.

Shoxfordian · 30/11/2021 08:25

Having a few too many drinks when you go out does not make you an alcoholic Hmm

It sounds like your lifestyles are not compatible op

Bluntness100 · 30/11/2021 08:26

Ok bit if a drip feed there op. You initially wrote it giving the impression the dude was off his face regularly

So how often does he go out with his friends and get drunk?

MurielSpriggs · 30/11/2021 08:33

I'd just like to object strongly to the posters who are saying that at 50 he can't change. It's absolutely possible to change at 50 after a lifetime of drinking. Whether he wants to do so of course is a different matter. But it's quite possible both to want to and to succeed.

SoniaFouler · 30/11/2021 08:37

How often is not often?

Bluntness100 · 30/11/2021 10:10

@MurielSpriggs

I'd just like to object strongly to the posters who are saying that at 50 he can't change. It's absolutely possible to change at 50 after a lifetime of drinking. Whether he wants to do so of course is a different matter. But it's quite possible both to want to and to succeed.
I think she needs to quantify his drinking, he doesn’t drink at home, doesn’t go out often with his mates and when he does he gets plastered. Me and my mates can get plastered, doesn’t make me an alkie who needs to change. And I’m fifty two.
Original poster
Hobnobsplease · 30/11/2021 10:58

Ok, sorry for not being clear. In the last 3 months it's been maybe 4 times. I don't think he's an alcoholic, I just think when he goes out, he hits it too hard. It's not attractive and not healthy. He's pretty fit and healthy but I don't want him to wreck his liver or end up in a ditch one night because he's got lost walking home. He's not abusive when he's drunk (or sober).

He's holding down a good job and has good relationships with his children and is brilliant in loads of other ways and I don't plan on leaving him.

I also think he might be receptive to a "I think you drink too much" convo but my question really was meant to be - is it my business to tell him to not drink so heavily when he's out?

I guess the fact that it worries me and in the interest of an open, honest relationship, then yes I need to talk to him.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 30/11/2021 11:29

Ok once a month or so I think he’s a big boy and he can do as he wishes, obviously if he proves a danger to himself or others you can say something but past that he’s a grown up and doesn’t need his drinking on an occasional night out controlled by mummy

Sorry op I’m not with you, if my husband told me how much I could eat or drink on a night out I’d tell him to do one. I’m not a child.

recoveringyoungalco · 30/11/2021 11:43

@Hobnobsplease I think as his partner it is your place to have that convo with him. Just don't attack him on it either. It's hard to know if he has a problem or not, not all alcoholics drink regularly or even that much. It's more so to do with the inability to stop once you have started

Just wanted to address somethings said on here:

@Pascal80 @thepeopleversuswork No, no one can stop an alcoholic, that does not want help. But many of those things do work/ help. I've meet people who have been homeless before they decided to seek help, I've meet people who on the surface had lost nothing. I agree, rehab is often thrown around like a magic fix all solution. It isn't you live in a safe bubble it's the real world where you need to do the work. They do have their place though for giving someone breathing space.

I've heard some say yes, alcohol was the most important thing in the world to them. For my anyway that's not how I felt. I knew it wasn't I knew my DH, family, my own life were more important, but I just couldn't stop. It was intensely over powering. I'd convince myself this time I would just have a few drinks and it wouldn't be like that.

Some alcoholics are very awful cruel people, with or without drink. I was raised by two alcoholics. Step father was a prick drunk or sober, worse sober. DM was just drinking I think to get through living with him, fat lot of good she was to me though. And I couldn't see what she just wouldn't stop. I took videos of her drunk, slurring, sitting in her own piss but she still wouldn't believe me she had a problem. Step father drank himself into a v early grave. She developed some health issues (not actually related to drink at all), and I think seeing the enormous grasp it had on me made her stop.

I took a lot of convincing, I couldn't see I had a problem for a long time. "Sure everyone else gets drunk, we're in our 20s that what we're supposed to do". But I can see now I did. In a way, it got a lot worse before it got better. DH was pushing me that I was drinking too much at home, always had 2/3 glasses of wine every evening. So then I started hiding it from him and only having one in front of him to get away from the constant nagging. But when I started hiding it, my god did it spiral, and keep going.

OP sorry I have derailed from your question. I just wanted to clear up that YES A LOT OF ALCOHOLICS DO SUCESSFULLY STOP DRINKING. We are not usually awful people at our core. I know my view is skewed as I meet a lot of recovering alcoholics through AA, I suppose for every one sitting in that meeting there are who knows how many sitting somewhere else.

Also AA will help family members, if you try contact your local group they will try reach out to your family member. Even turning up to houses/ making calls etc. It is easier for them to find common ground and hopefully a solution.

recoveringyoungalco · 30/11/2021 11:47

Sorry didn't realise how long I went on, as you can see it's something I feel fairly strongly about! As someone with on paper a lot of success behind me, 1st from top Uni, professional qualifications, very good job in a highly competitive area. Battling alcoholism is probably the hardest thing to do. It sounds very dramatic, but the compulsion to drink would be as strong as wanting a glass of water after being in the hot sun for hours.

notanothertakeaway · 30/11/2021 11:55

Well done @recoveringyoungalco

Bluntness100 · 30/11/2021 12:22

@recoveringyoungalco, well done on your sobriety,

I mean this politely but I don’t think someone who doesn’t drink at home and gets drunk with his mates once a month is in th same category?

If so then a huge percentage of the population are alcoholics.