To think partner drinks too much

[Hobnobsplease]

OH has no stop button when he drinks. He thinks he's still 20 but he's 50 and when he drinks he gets shitfaced and he can't handle it. He won't see that he drinks too much and disagrees that he can't handle it even when he throws up and feels awful the next day.

AIBU to want to tell him / ask him to drink less /stay in control or at least not get rat arsed every time??

I don't want to tell him what to do, it's his life but it's affecting mine and it'll affect his health. We don't live together but plan to in a few years.

@Bluntness100 I agree with you, someone that goes out and gets drunk once a month most probably isn't an alcoholic. But also someone who gets drunk quite frequently even most days may not be an alcoholic. It really depends on the person. There is way more to it than I thought, I really couldn't understand how someone could not just stop. I could, and did for periods of time when uni/ work needed it. Until I crossed over that uncross-back-able line.

TBH though I would say a lot more people in this country are alcoholics/ alcohol dependant than the NHS figures say.

I wouldn’t want a man who got so “shitfaced” with no “off” button @ age 50.

Deeper problems there, and very unattractive.

I’d keep my distance if I were you OP. Don’t hitch your horse to his wagon whatever you do.

I wonder how his kids deel if/when they seem him like this? Frightened? Mortified? Disgusted? You don't say their ages but that's not really relevant. What is relevant is that they are likely to be upset by seeing a parent out of control (as a teenager and adult child if frightened and dishusted me) and at the very least, will respect him less.

Is this how he feels he should model drinking to his kids? Wouldn't he worry if his kids grew up to get regularly shitfaced and out of control?

These observations may not be much help in you deciding how to proceed. But I do disagree with posters who suggested he's a 'big boy' so it's no-one else's business.

What is he actually doing when he overdoes it? I can see you mention he has thrown up and also that he has a hangover the next day. Is that the extent of it? Or is there other poor behaviour we are taking about related to these nights out? Are you present during them?

And, if this is once in a while with his friends is this a time when he does not have his kids the next day or are they already grown up?

How is it affecting your life? Does this happen when he’s with you?

@recoveringyoungalco thank you for sharing and well done on your sobriety. He's a good man, he's very loving but has a stressful job and I guess sees nights out as a way to unwind and let go. I'll start the conversation and see where it goes. Thank you xx

@Salayes no other poor behaviour, if I'm with him he drinks less. His kids are grown up and moved out, these messy nights out don't happen with them.

Thanks everyone, I guess in the moment maybe he needs the alcohol - maybe that makes him an alcoholic / alcohol dependant? He doesn't fit any of the other criteria on the Drink Aware list. I'll talk to him x

OP sorry I have derailed from your question. I just wanted to clear up that YES A LOT OF ALCOHOLICS DO SUCESSFULLY STOP DRINKING. We are not usually awful people at our core. I know my view is skewed as I meet a lot of recovering alcoholics through AA, I suppose for every one sitting in that meeting there are who knows how many sitting somewhere else.

Well done, @recoveringyoungalco. I am also in recovery, spent a few years in AA and have been sober since 1994. Alcoholism, like other forms of addiction, is a medical condition not a personality flaw. Most of the people I met in AA were lovely. A few were absolute twats, just like any other place you go. It is a treatable condition. It is possible to stop and live a happy life without drinking. One common misunderstanding is that the craving for drink is purely psychological. Alcohol taken long enough and regularly enough can alter the chemistry of your brain. That is what causes the craving when it is withdrawn.

Molecular basis of alcoholism

He doesn't sound like an alcoholic, unless he does a lot of drinking outside these binges?

Could you try to reduce it to once every 3 months?

It is annoying, I had a slow realisation at 35 that I could no longer front the way I used to!

To summarise: he's got smashed 4 times in 3 months, is not abusive in any way when drunk, otherwise sound fella but maybe goes a bit hard on nights out and has a hangover/chucks up the next day. Sounds to me like his only crime is having a social life.

You're coming across as fucking nuts, calm down and let him enjoy his time with his friends.

@tttigress thank you x

@Technosaurus nice, to the point. Fucking nuts or maybe I just don't want him to die young because he's knackered his body. You did answer my question though so appreciate that!

Your concern is of course very admirable but I can't believe some of the stuff I'm reading on here claiming alcoholism/alcohol dependency. People need to realise that some people just like to let their hair down by getting smashed. Usually the hangovers get worse as we get older and people ease off, but if they don't, that's up to them.

Not many people die young from going out once every 3 or 4 weeks... If it was every week or daily, or if it was affecting the way he was with you / embarrassing himself in front of the children etc, I'd see your concerns. But it isn't. Live and let live.

I disagree with other posters and I think he sounds like he has a binge drinking problem and a lack of self regulation with alcohol.

Do you definitely know he doesn't drink during the week? I only ask because it would be highly unusual for someone to go out at 50, drink so much he vomits, then regularly abstain during the week.

Honestly op, it sounds like yoire the one with the issue. Not him. So what if he gets drunk once a month with his mates, he’s not going to knacker his body and die young because of it, that’s just so hyperbolic.

@EKGEMS

I disagree with other posters and I think he sounds like he has a binge drinking problem and a lack of self regulation with alcohol.

Yes once a month. 😂

maybe I just don't want him to die young because he's knackered his body.

With all due respect OP I think you're being dramatic - he isn't going to have a knackered liver or "die young" due to alcohol from averaging one night out a month.

You mentioned your ExH had issues with drink, is it possible that's clouding your judgement here?

Other than having a hangover (which I get even after a few) I'm struggling to see what the issue is - you say he doesn't drink as much when he's out with you, just his mates, he isn't abusive, his kids (adults) aren't around when he's hungover - unless there's a lot more to it I think you need to leave it be. If you're not a drinker and don't like it then it's of course your choice not to stay. However, if you do stay with him, I think you'd be massively U telling him he shouldn't be getting drunk once a month with his pals