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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Finally ending a relationship

34 replies

Bella3456 · 29/11/2021 19:38

Hi girls so this is a bit of a long one so bear with me!I've been with my boyfriend (now ex) for nearly 3 years to say he has been a nightmare would be an understatement! I have one wonderful 6 year old boy I want to add :-) so anywsy not long into the relationship there was a physical altercation quite bad so I rang the police and social services got involved and my son was put straight on a child protection plan. Social services HATED him all all I did was stick up for him e.t.c I really wanted to make it work and us be a family. He was wonderful with my son it was just this one altercation letting jim down. (My son was not present at the time) anyway again I stuck up for him constantly and social were getting more and more pissed off with me. I rang the police a few times because he refused to leave to and again (stupidly) tried to stick up for him to social services who hated him. Anyway all was fine and social services were happy but keeping an eye on me if you like (still on a protection plan because he is seen as a risk) and he started doing cocaine (i know he did on nights out but didn't realise he was bringing it in the house around my son!!) When I found out he was basically doing it around my son I packed his bags and kicked him straight out back to hi mum and dads. I even found cochineal near where my son plays!!! I went apeshit and said he is never aloud around my son again. Before I say this it is a billion percent his. No one else has been in my houe other than me and my son. Also I want to stress he doesn't want to get any help and hes saying im lying and I'm crazy and a bitch e.t.c but again I know its his and he left it where my son plays imagine what could have happened!!! Although I know full well it has to end now (social are over the moon that I've ended it lmao) I know I've done the right thing buy im shattefd being a single mum again!! Will I soon get back into the swing of things? How do I get over him? I want to stress at this point there is no way back in my eyes as he has really put my son at risk. Hes also denying everything and calling me evry name under the sun because I kicked him out and now (its my house) but that doesn't mean my feelings aren't still thre and that I'm SO tired being a single mum again!! Any advice? How long did it take ayone else to get back into he swing of it al I feel half dead!

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 29/11/2021 19:40

Are you asking how long till you can start another relationship?

Original poster

Bella3456 · 29/11/2021 19:48

No I'm definetly not ready for that!! Just how long it takes to get back into being a single mum again and not struggling so much as he did help me quite a lot so im finding it quite overwhelming at the moment

OP posts:

BunsOfAnarchy · 29/11/2021 19:53

I became a single mum when my DD turned 1.
She is now nearly 4. You'll just get used to it. Its hard, but you have to make a few cutbacks in certain areas (especially if partner helped financially) but otherwise just make it your focus to keep your child happy and loved. It sucks when you go from having a family life to being completely on your own but the sense of independence is brilliant. My exDH is lovely but doesn't pay a penny towards her. So the fact that I pay 100% of childcare/clothes/school stuff/dance classes etc is something im proud to do although it is a huge drain on my own finances.

Original poster

Bella3456 · 29/11/2021 19:57

Luckily he didn't help financially so thats not much of a worry it really is the little things like having a babysitter so I can run to the shop for milk/ bread and obviously just missing him in general! Il get there i suppose! X

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Jellycatspyjamas · 29/11/2021 20:03

If your son was out straight onto a child protection plan they must have had significant concerns because that threshold is quite high. They no doubt didn’t like him because of the risk he posed to your son.

Honestly you’re better off being a single parent than having him around - no matter how helpful you think he might have been, he assaulted you and brought drugs around your child. You’ll find ways to cope and manage, it’ll take time but you’re both safer without him.

Original poster

Bella3456 · 29/11/2021 20:34

Thankyou @Jellycatspyjamas I totally agree ive had 3 years of it and he wasn't improving/ admitting he had any problems which is also why SS were so worried because he showed no insight/ remorse. Its still very hard to get over because I never thought he could be this stupid in all honestly. You are totally right I was a single mum the first 3 years and hes older now so im sure we will get a good routine :-)

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AnAverageMum · 29/11/2021 20:41

You shouldn’t of been with the man as soon as your son was put on a child protection plan with social services because of him.

However hard it is, know you’ve done the right thing as a mother & that should get you through.

Unanananana · 29/11/2021 20:43

Why the fuck would you miss that and sll that he doesnt bring to your life? Your poor kid! 3 years with you defending his behaviour to social services? Does he have a glittery, rotating penis?

You will be better off without scum like that in your life.

Idontlikecheesecake · 29/11/2021 20:46

You’ve got to prioritise the wellbeing of your son and yourself before you start thinking about a new relationship. Get used to your own company, learn something new about yourself, spend time with your son.

PinkSyCo · 29/11/2021 20:55

Your child’s 6. You can get your bread and milk when he’s at school or he can walk to the shop with you if you forget.

Ludo19 · 29/11/2021 21:13

Having a coke head as a baby sitter while you nip to the shop????

Cocomarine · 29/11/2021 21:35

Thank goodness Social Services kept on at you, really.

This, “How do I get over him?” - I would imagine burying your dead son after a cocaine overdose would be fairly effective.

Original poster

Bella3456 · 29/11/2021 21:38

@Unanananana my child's really happy and social have always agreed there was absolutely no problems with him. Just my partner and unfortunately I have one of those personalities where I stick up and try and help people but ultimately end up in these situations. I am very glad its all over with now though!

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Original poster

Bella3456 · 29/11/2021 21:40

@Idontlikecheesecake I didn't mean a new relationship I meant more doing everything on my own again its a shock to the system but il get there made of tough stuff

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Original poster

Bella3456 · 29/11/2021 21:41

@Cocomarine that's exactly what I said and obviously seeled the deal on the breakup. When I told him he didn't even care just denied it all I hope he does not get with someone else who has children

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Nanny0gg · 29/11/2021 21:41

[quote Bella3456]@Unanananana my child's really happy and social have always agreed there was absolutely no problems with him. Just my partner and unfortunately I have one of those personalities where I stick up and try and help people but ultimately end up in these situations. I am very glad its all over with now though![/quote]
Maybe prioritise your son? (Because clearly SS didn't think you did)

Cocomarine · 29/11/2021 21:41

You need to stop kidding yourself, putting a nice spin on things saying “ I have one of those personalities where I stick up and try and help people”. That isn’t what was going on here. You didn’t have good boundaries, you made bad choices. It is better to recognise that and move forward from it than to lie to yourself that you were being nice. You can learn to have better boundaries - but first, you need accept that you need to learn.

Cocomarine · 29/11/2021 21:42

[quote Bella3456]@Cocomarine that's exactly what I said and obviously seeled the deal on the breakup. When I told him he didn't even care just denied it all I hope he does not get with someone else who has children[/quote]
Why do you need advice on how to get over him then? 🤷🏻‍♀️

MadeItOut21 · 29/11/2021 21:49

You need to become more confident in yourself and being alone. I can't imagine how desperate you must have been for a man for you to put up with that. You have a child and he is 100% your priority. Put all your energy into work, raising your son and improving your mental health. Nothing else matters.

Suzanne999 · 29/11/2021 22:00

I think possibly you’re a people pleaser —- you thought you could help this man improve his ways and you’d be a happy family.
Now you can see that never was going to happen, never is.
What you are asking to get over is the loss of your dream and harsh though reality is at times, it’s what we’ve got.
He’s gone from your life. For your child’s safety you can’t let him back.
He left drugs ( drugs that can kill) where your child could have accessed them. Can you imagine what could have happened? Would you have done that? Of course you wouldn’t —- your son is your priority, you wouldn’t deliberately put him at risk.
For now prioritise your son and think about your future. Do you work? Do you want a career in the future? If you don’t work accessing some training might help you see a broader future for yourself. I know it’s hard to trust Social Workers but as you’re involved with them already they might be best placed to advise you on a training/ education path if that’s what you want.
You e done the right thing booting this man out of your life, you and your son are safer without him.

Original poster

Bella3456 · 29/11/2021 22:01

@cocomarine it was more of a shock back to doing it all myself and not having that family unit anymore I guess it was more of a post about getting reassurance that its gonna be okay!

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Original poster

Bella3456 · 29/11/2021 22:04

@Suzanne999 im lucky that I do work in a job I love part time so thats all sorted in all honestly its nice that basically everyone has said ive done exactly the right thing (I knew I had just good to get that reassurance) and that it just gets better from here. Also totally agree im a people pleaser! And my social worker did say I have problems with boundaries. Not that this is linked in any way at all but I was abused as a child and watched my mum have horrendous boyfriends (which the social worker knos about) and I think its affected me into adulthood (not trying to get sympathy here!!! Just maybe its why I tried so hard for someone that was clearly not worth it) x

OP posts:

user1471457751 · 29/11/2021 22:05

Shame you couldn't stick up for your innocent child. He could have died because you allowed a violent, drug-abusing man into his life.

audweb · 29/11/2021 22:06

A positive family unit isn’t one that involves being on a child protection plan. It’s time to reframe what being a single parent is - right now that’s building a happy family with just you and your son. Apart from being able to pop to the shops, what else what he actually bringing to you and your son? From what I can see it was it just stress.

Being a single parent is not a bad thing, especially when you have been in a toxic relationship. It doesn’t sound like you were in a family unit - and you need to start considering how you will prioritise you and your son in the future. And I say that as a single parent myself.

Original poster

Bella3456 · 29/11/2021 22:10

@user1471457751 I did not know he had cocaine on him or in my house and as soon as I found out I kicked him straight out and havent had contact with him scince. Social services were not involved because if cocaine it was for other issues

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