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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP is a soft twit

34 replies

TheUnexpectedPickle · 29/11/2021 16:11

DP has just bought his first home. I'm so excited for him and proud of him. The plan is for him to live alone for a while (as he has never had that experience) and then I'll move in and we will save what I now spend on rent for a family home.

DP is also a massive people pleaser and will literally do anything for his family. When the flat was in the process of being bought, his cousin's house purchase fell through so he offered to let her and her family live in his flat, rent free, for "as long as they need". I pointed out that he sound at least have them pay rent or they will have no reason to leave EVER! And also that he didn't really consider me and our plans in this offer. He agreed that he hadn't really thought it through- and luckily his cousin managed to buy her place before his went through.

Fast forward to this week. He has FINALLY got his contract through and will FINALLY get to exchange after being dicked around by solicitors.

His sister is getting a new sofa and so has given him her old one. Lovely. Except last night he tells me that he has said that his cousins sofa won't arrive for ages so he has said she can have it on the meantime! So... we sit on the floor I guess? I pointed out that this means he (we, really) now get a 3rd hand sofa that her small child will have got crap all over- and we will have to be at his place sofaless for months! Again, he admits he didn't really think about that, he just felt "her need was greater". He has been unable to answer why he feels that his cousin and her partner have a greater need for a sofa than he and I do.

Ugh.

AIBU to be utterly exasperated? Or am I just being selfish?

OP posts:

SoniaFouler · 29/11/2021 16:29

YABU. It’s his house, his family, his second hand sofa and you don’t even live there.

EasyLikeSundays · 29/11/2021 16:31

Aw he actually sounds really sweet bless him. I would just leave him to it but once you live there make it clear any future decisions like that which effect you too need to be discussed first.

GertrudeBElion · 29/11/2021 16:32

This all comes under that 'he'll live alone for a while' heading I think.

When you live together, you'll get a stronger say.

LagneyandCasey · 29/11/2021 16:36

Soft twit is harsh. He's a caring guy thinks of others before himself. That's actually a really nice quality.

He obviously hasn't come across any CF that take the piss out of his generosity yet which tends to harden the kind and generous type.

Original poster

TheUnexpectedPickle · 29/11/2021 16:36

He is indeed very sweet.

I think it's irritated me because it's the latest event in a long line people pleasing and putting himself last- and by default, sometimes putting me last too. I just don't like seeing him constantly mug himself off and if I were to be 100% honest, I feel.like some members of his family take advantage of his good nature

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 29/11/2021 16:43

It sounds like you feel like this is your shared property already.

You don't have to go there if you're not happy with his living arrangements.

I get the feeling you're already moving in by stealth prematurely.

Original poster

TheUnexpectedPickle · 29/11/2021 16:46

@girlmom21 I'm not moving in by stealth, I'm moving in by invitation once mt lease is up on my current place in May.

He has spent a lot of time at my place since we've been together and I've involved him in decorative decisions. We're a team.

Also, I don't make him sit on the floor!!

OP posts:

DroopyClematis · 29/11/2021 16:46

His property, his decisions.

EasyLikeSundays · 29/11/2021 16:48

I think you're being dramatic OP. You don't have to sit on the floor. Use garden chair/beanbags etc in the mean time if you're that fussed. Count yourself lucky you've found a lovely kind and caring man.

JustLyra · 29/11/2021 16:51

These are the things that living alone for a while is about.

When you have to live with no sofa because of your decision, or because you learn from being too generous/too optimistic etc.

Tbh it was pretty rude of you to assume that his cousin would take the piss and live there forever. Families help each other out and generally don’t rip the piss. I’d have been annoyed if someone else thought it was up to them if I offered help or not.

Let him live in his own place making his own decisions and then decide if you want to live together once you know if your ways of living are compatible

JSL52 · 29/11/2021 16:51

Decline the cousin's sofa and buy one ( new or second hand)

girlmom21 · 29/11/2021 16:52

[quote TheUnexpectedPickle]@girlmom21 I'm not moving in by stealth, I'm moving in by invitation once mt lease is up on my current place in May.

He has spent a lot of time at my place since we've been together and I've involved him in decorative decisions. We're a team.

Also, I don't make him sit on the floor!![/quote]
That's what I said you're moving in by stealth prematurely. 6 months is a long way off.

It doesn't matter what's happened at your property. This is his. He doesn't have to ask for your opinions just because you asked for his.

If he's happy sitting on the floor that's all that matters.

Buy him a bean bag for Xmas if you're that worried.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 29/11/2021 16:56

I think you are doingh im a favour. Gentle reminders and and in his face example or three of why he has to start imagining himself as a grown up. No longer living at home where everything is already in place he has to start thinking of himslf and his home as important to him, not just carry on living as a lovely, sweet and generous adjunct of his wider family unit.

I can see why you wanted him to be aware that his open ended offer to his cousin could have been impetuosu, ill thought out, he as still living in your flat at the time!

Now you can step back. He is in, he won't have a sofa. lLet him live with. or without, that for a while. Don't fix it for him. Send him home to sit/sleep.

You said he wants/needs to live alone for a while, so now just let him. What he chooses to do for/with you and/or his family is something he will have to continue working out. So.... step back...

honeylulu · 29/11/2021 17:14

You will get lots of "it's not your property/furniture, mind your own business" comments and they do have a point.

But perhaps what is needling you is deeper than this and troubling you about your joint future. It can be tough sharing your life with a people pleaser. My husband is a bit like that and I have had to put my foot down a few times. I am quite a stoical and independent person which is nice for him as he gets little pressure to people-please me. But he had/has a lot of people in his life who seemed very much out for what they could get from him.

When we first lived together we rented some rooms in his brothers house. I always paid my share, no quibbles. After a while I got fed up with sharing with the brother and decided to buy a flat, though he (then BF) was coming with me though not buying together as it was still early days. Within weeks of hearing we were getting our own place his best mate who still lived with his mum asked to move in. My other half said yes because he felt sorry for him and also that he didn't think he should pay any rent because he didn't earn much. I pretty quickly squashed that idea.

There have been many other episodes like this over the years, people wanting favours or stuff paying for but no hint of reciprocity. His siblings tend to put on a "poor me" act and his mother (RIP) would throw big tantrums. He would give in because he doesn't like "upsetting people".

I would roll my eyes and say nothing if it didn't affect me but the more our lives entwined the more it did. One year his brother asked to borrow a large sum of money just before Christmas. OH said he could "just about afford it". I asked if he would still be able to pay half towards our own children's Christmas presents. The penny dropped. He was so used to me getting on with it, he just didn't think about what was fair to me, because I didn't kick off. I am still calm and stoical but I am very firm about not being bottom of the pile! If this rings true, be cautious.

WhenSepEnds · 29/11/2021 17:36

@TheUnexpectedPickle

Fast forward to this week. He has FINALLY got his contract through and will FINALLY get to exchange after being dicked around by solicitors.

Ugh.

AIBU to be utterly exasperated? Or am I just being selfish?

If it's that much of an issue can he not come To your house until the couch is back? He doesn't seem bothered though so doubt he would do that.

Sounds harsh but he really had no need
To include you in the decisions. It's not a shared home or shared belongings. It's his home and he's decided he's happy to be in it according to the decisions he has made and you, as a visitor to the house, have to accept his home as it is

Original poster

TheUnexpectedPickle · 29/11/2021 19:12

@honeylulu yes, that's it exactly. I don't want to spend the rest of our lives putting family and friends (his and mine, he's just accommodating to mine) before ourselves.

OP posts:

EishetChayil · 29/11/2021 19:17

He sounds like an absolute we lettuce. I couldn't be attracted to a person with so weak a spine.

EishetChayil · 29/11/2021 19:17

*wet

cantgetmyheadroundit · 29/11/2021 19:19

@EishetChayil it's not weakness, it's kindness

ThinWomansBrain · 29/11/2021 19:19

there's regularly lots of decent looking sofas on freecycle - register for yours & keep an eye out.

Wafflesnsniffles · 29/11/2021 19:20

I agree with you op. Yes he has been kind but he has put others before himself in such a way that is not just kind but will majorly be a hassle - not having a sofa for an indefinite time isnt a great idea!
Sounds to me like he is so kind he isnt good at standing up for his own needs and wants.

WallaceinAnderland · 29/11/2021 19:23

[quote TheUnexpectedPickle]@honeylulu yes, that's it exactly. I don't want to spend the rest of our lives putting family and friends (his and mine, he's just accommodating to mine) before ourselves.[/quote]
It sounds like you are not compatible. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with him the way he is. You want to change him. Change rarely happens OP, I feel that you will be disappointed, become frustrated and eventually separate.

If you want to spend a lifetime with someone you do it because you love them the way they are, not because you think you can mould them into something you want them to be.

BudgeSquare · 29/11/2021 19:28

I genuinely thought this was your son not your partner, when you said you were "excited and proud of him". I had to go back and re-read. That says something about the way you portray the relationship.

Original poster

TheUnexpectedPickle · 29/11/2021 20:22

@WallaceinAnderland I didn't way I want to change him. I want him to recognise that he is as important as everyone else and he doesn't have to trip over himself to help others out at his own expense- he spends a fortune on Christmas presents for example, for people who don't even end him a card. It's BECAUSE I love him that I worry about this.

@BudgeSquare, sorry but that's a bit of a reach there. I am proud because he has worked very hard to achieve owning his own home after some very difficult personal circumstances which are not relevant to his post. He was proud of me when I was accepted on to the course for the next stage of my career. Is it not usual to be proud of loved ones achievements?

OP posts:

Original poster

TheUnexpectedPickle · 29/11/2021 20:23

@ThinWomansBrain, good tip, I'll have a look, thanks!

OP posts:

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