To think DP is a soft twit

[TheUnexpectedPickle]

DP has just bought his first home. I'm so excited for him and proud of him. The plan is for him to live alone for a while (as he has never had that experience) and then I'll move in and we will save what I now spend on rent for a family home.

DP is also a massive people pleaser and will literally do anything for his family. When the flat was in the process of being bought, his cousin's house purchase fell through so he offered to let her and her family live in his flat, rent free, for "as long as they need". I pointed out that he sound at least have them pay rent or they will have no reason to leave EVER! And also that he didn't really consider me and our plans in this offer. He agreed that he hadn't really thought it through- and luckily his cousin managed to buy her place before his went through.

Fast forward to this week. He has FINALLY got his contract through and will FINALLY get to exchange after being dicked around by solicitors.

His sister is getting a new sofa and so has given him her old one. Lovely. Except last night he tells me that he has said that his cousins sofa won't arrive for ages so he has said she can have it on the meantime! So... we sit on the floor I guess? I pointed out that this means he (we, really) now get a 3rd hand sofa that her small child will have got crap all over- and we will have to be at his place sofaless for months! Again, he admits he didn't really think about that, he just felt "her need was greater". He has been unable to answer why he feels that his cousin and her partner have a greater need for a sofa than he and I do.

Ugh.

AIBU to be utterly exasperated? Or am I just being selfish?

[quote TheUnexpectedPickle]@WallaceinAnderland I didn't way I want to change him. I want him to recognise that he is as important as everyone else and he doesn't have to trip over himself to help others out at his own expense- he spends a fortune on Christmas presents for example, for people who don't even end him a card. It's BECAUSE I love him that I worry about this.

@BudgeSquare, sorry but that's a bit of a reach there. I am proud because he has worked very hard to achieve owning his own home after some very difficult personal circumstances which are not relevant to his post. He was proud of me when I was accepted on to the course for the next stage of my career. Is it not usual to be proud of loved ones achievements?[/quote]
It's not a reach. It wasn't that phrase in isolation. Everything about the way you describe him is slightly patronising and contemptuous. You describe him as a 'soft twit'. You ridicule him for being 'a people pleaser' and 'not thinking things through'. You sound like you consider him to be a complete idiot.

And by the way, him agreeing with everything you say is just him being a people pleaser again. You just don't object because it's you he's pleasing.

He sounds wet, not sweet.

@BudgeSquare I haven't ridiculed him, and I've told him I think he's a soft twit to his face. Because he is. Doesn't mean I'm contemptuous of him- I'm just exasperated!

And it annoys me equally when he tries to please me too- I've mostly managed to stop him doing that which is good.

OP,

I think @honeylulu has written wisely about how tedious men like your boyfriend can be.

It is about his ego liking to help and not minding you sitting on the floor.

I certainly wouldn't be going over to a place where there isn't a sofa for me to sit.

I too thought it was your son when I read it.

Your pride will quickly turn to annoyance and exasperation to anger if everyone comes before you.

I actually don't think being a soft touch is the least bit attractive, particularly in a partner that doesn't mind if his generosity inconvenienced me.

You’re blatantly infantilising him, with the whole ‘Ah, bless, he can live alone ‘cos he’s never done it’ thing — you sound like a teacher giving the class dunce an easy work experience placement.

But I would t move in with a people-pleaser — it’s not a cute, sweet and caring’ trait if his tendency to see himself as a service animal to other people now includes you as fellow-provider. I was brought up by a mother who included me in her sense that everyone else’s needs were more important. I don’t recommend it.

He's too kind for his own good. That cousin is taking him for a mug with the sofa thing. But you have to let him realise that on his own.

It would annoy me though, and I wouldn't find it massively attractive.

If he can't change then I would seriously reconsider your relationship.

If he's going to keep doing things like this it is going to cause a lot of stress for you.

There is being nice but there is also being taken for a mug and also he doesn't seem to think about you.

He needs to stop putting you first and if you can't do that then I would walk away.

@Birdsnesting when I say he's never lived alone, I mean he has always lived with a partner or flatmates. Just not alone. I'm not infantalising him, he's a 36 year old doctor!

My concern would be that he will continue when you live together and that certainly will affect you.
I'd be wanting a very candid discussion about your expectations.