to have children?

[ACovidofWitches]

I am 40 in 6 months time and that big birthday is putting a lot of pressure on me. I trust the advice on here so I wanted to ask for opinions.

I don't have children (or a partner), great success of a human being that I am. I have spent my whole life desperately wanting to have a family of my own but so many things have happened to interfere with that. I have spent a lot of my adult life trying to put myself back together after experiencing significant trauma growing up, to give one example. I still struggle with my mental health but I do have great support in place with that.

I would have said I've made my peace with not having children - I think it's incredibly tough being a parent and I know so many women struggle with how relentless and exhausting it is. I think the whole thing of turning 40 soon is just bringing up a lot of very painful feelings. I don't want it to really be too late and to desperately regret not having gone for it.

If I had a child, I'd be using a sperm donor, which I've previously felt isn't always fair on the child. Now, I'd say, well lots of men go awol and aren't involved parents so maybe it's not quite the issue I have always told myself it is. I have my own (small) home and a job I enjoy, which I could fit around young children. I don't have lots of support to help with childcare (my friends are very scattered) but that would be something I'd work hard to try to build up over time if I did have a baby because I know it makes a huge difference.

The biggest complication for me right now other than being on my own and my age is I have lipoedema. It's a fat disease which makes your limbs bigger, it's genetic and it only really affects women. It's something thousands of other women also have and clearly most go onto have children (including other women in my family) but I was bullied very badly about it growing up and it feels unbearable to think of having a daughter and passing it onto her. If my child went through a fraction of what I did growing up in connection with it, I'm not sure I could cope - my bullying was so vicious. It's been a big part of why I've refused to have children in the last decade but I am fit and healthy otherwise and am increasingly mindful people have children when they have all sorts of illnesses in their families - my family generally have been lucky in avoiding dementia/certain cancers etc so that's something.

If I follow my head, I won't have children. It completely breaks my heart and it's extremely hard to visualise feeling ok over the next few decades but I am old enough to know there are good things about being childfree too, including lie ins and spontaneous holidays. I would be ok, it would just be very hard at times. If I follow my heart, I'd do anything possible to have 1 or 2 children before it's too late, because some days being a mum feels like it's everything to me, even with knowing how hard it is. I read so many posts on MN about the ups and downs and parenthood and I'm no closer to knowing what to do. I have a therapist but she obviously can't tell me what to do.

Hey OP, I know what it's like to feel conflicted about having children - I've also wrestled with the idea since there are mental health issues in my family (2 uncles with schizophrenia) that I don't want to risk passing onto my children.

I've not personally looked into this, but could egg donation be a possible avenue for you to remove the anxiety a little?

Personally I think being brought up in a loving and stable home is the important part - children who are brought up around abusive or horrible fathers would fare worse than a child who never had one to begin with so I wouldn't bear too much guilt on that front if I were you.

Best of luck with whatever route you go down though!

Thank you. I haven't looked into egg donation and in all honesty, I am not 100% sure it's the right route for me. But I will go and do some googling, so thank you for suggesting it

It sounds like you have a lot of love to give a child. Parenting is hard but very rewarding. If you're worried about passing on health issues, is adoption an option for you? Have you watched the film Lion? The sentiment at the end of that film is wonderful.

Speaking from my own experience, and with zero judgement or unkindness, I would personally recommend adoption. There are too many uncared for, forgotten or unlucky children in the world with no one to give them a warm safe and loving home.

You sound incredibly thoughtful and kind. I think any child would benefit from having you to give them love, safety and support.

I say this without any judgement, I know adoption is not a walk in the park and it’s not the easy option. However, in the current climate, the way the world seems to be going (climate change, coronavirus, inflation…) coupled with your worry of passing on your health problem, adoption could be a wonderful choice for you and for the children you go on to care for.

Thank you, adoption used to tempt me a lot but it's funny how it's dropped out of my consciousness in recent years as being something I'm keen to do. I've seen a family member go through the experience and they've found it very tough. Their daughter is wonderful though so I know it's been positive overall, but the reality of it is difficult. It's another thing to think about. I think I just crave the full experience of giving birth to my own child and that's a big thing to step away from.

Adoption isn’t a plaster for single or infertile people and is totally different from having your own kids 🤦‍♀️ I am having IVF at the moment and it drives me potty when people say “haven’t you thought of adoption” when they find out we are having IVF. I wonder how many times they say that to people who are trying naturally!
OP I have lipoedema and I wouldn’t let it put you off - my two sisters don’t have it, I do and so do my mum and aunts so clearly it isn’t passed on to every female child. Treatments are getting better now so if you spotted it in puberty you could intervene and help your daughter so that you control it more. They say 10% of women have it so even an egg donation doesn’t guarantee not having it.

Thank you Gensola I particularly appreciate the fact you have lipoedema so can understand some of the additional challenges.

It's sad because I know so many women with it (through support groups) who have had children. A lot of their daughters are now hitting their teens/twenties and you can see they have inherited it but they're gorgeous girls/women who I view as having masses to offer. Their lipoedema is one part of them and a minor part at that. So I don't think people with lipoedema shouldn't have children generally. But I try to visualise watching a child develop it and I'd be so frightened for her and so angry with myself for putting someone I love at risk of what happened to me. It's heartbreaking. I don't want my own lipoedema to grow either - it's not that bad at present compared to what some people live with and I know some women with stage 3/4 go through a lot as they get bigger.

It does help my fear to hear you be relaxed about it and not be bothered by it. And I also have some female relatives with it and some without it. None of the ones who do look as bad as I do (in my view) though.

Have you thought about getting surgery? I had micro liposuction from a surgeon who specialises in lipoedema recently on my upper/outer thighs area and it has massively improved my confidence. I took a bank loan for it and when it’s paid I’ll have surgery on inner thighs and knees.
I’m a little worried about pregnancy making it worse but I really do want a family.

I have two children and thinking of a third. My head says nope don’t do it but my heart says go for it. So not at all the same situation but I completely get the head vs heart tug of wars, the logical vs heart.

I say go for it, you only live once and it’s the things we don’t do that we normally regret. If your 80 and sat in a rocking chair do you picture kids coming to visit you? If it’s a yes that the right answer.

It sounds to me like your child would be bought up in a loving and caring home.

Personally I think you should look in to it with a view to trying for a child as I think you sound like you’d be a wonderful mother.

@Gensola

Adoption isn’t a plaster for single or infertile people and is totally different from having your own kids 🤦‍♀️ I am having IVF at the moment and it drives me potty when people say “haven’t you thought of adoption” when they find out we are having IVF. I wonder how many times they say that to people who are trying naturally! OP I have lipoedema and I wouldn’t let it put you off - my two sisters don’t have it, I do and so do my mum and aunts so clearly it isn’t passed on to every female child. Treatments are getting better now so if you spotted it in puberty you could intervene and help your daughter so that you control it more. They say 10% of women have it so even an egg donation doesn’t guarantee not having it.

Just say no thanks if it's not for you, but adoption is still a brilliant thing. So much respect for adoptive and foster parents.

If you want a kid, then yes, explore the solo route, maybe something like adoption but you do have to be very determined.

I have lipoedema it's progressing but I was never bullied over it and I can remember only two occasions in my life when anyone has commented on my legs. Very lucky I know mine has progressed slowly but is ramping up a bit now.

I also have a one year old daughter I wasn't diagnosed until she was 6 months old. My sister doesn't have it either which is really positive. Plus research is improving all the time and liposuction has some really good long term results for lots of people.

Sounds like you really really want a child. So you'll need to start sooner rather than later.

Definitely not trying to say adoption is something for people who are unable to conceive naturally. Honestly speaking, as a mother of 3 biological kids, if I could go back and do it differently, I would probably have adopted. Also, I’m hoping to adopt in the near future when I have more time (and hopefully money) on my hands. Personally I just think there are far too many children suffering which is sad when there are so many loving and caring people in the world (like you).

Otherwise, if it’s not for you, that’s absolutely fine of course! totally understand wanting to birth your own child etc. whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck.

To add I inherited my lipoedema from my dads side rather than from my mother.

I would suggest looking up ‘stork and I’ on Facebook and Instagram. The facebook group has many women in the thinking and trying stage (and lots who have gone on and made the decision to go ahead). There are also plenty of books about solo mothers by choice. And also see if you can find some solo mums on Instagram to follow. It’s also worth seeking out groups and accounts for donor conceived children. You will hear positives and negatives for both sides. I’ll warn you there can be a lot of negatives on the donor conception side however many adults are of the generation where their conception was kept a secret and their donor was entirely anonymous so it’s not a true reflection on how today’s donor conceived children will feel as adults but still worth listening and understanding what issues may lay ahead and how you could try and overcome them. Donor conception network have some good information.
Stork and I also does some coaching sessions but I’ve not used them so can’t comment on how useful they are.

I would say I do understand your feelings around the lipodema as I’ve had a similar experience when deciding on having a child means possibly passing on something challenging that could be inherited, however I wouldn’t let that be the one and only reason not to have a child. Many mums experience all sorts of guilt and worry and if it’s not that it will be something else anyway. Plus you are in the best position to be able to support a daughter and who knows what treatment may be available in 15-20 years.

I also came here to suggest Stork and I - listen to the podcast, have a read.

Also, your 40th birthday is an abstract concept. The only pressure is coming from you, and you can give yourself a break here.

Biology will still be a thing, but please release yourself from the judgement at being single. Loads of people are single at 40. Loads of people are childless at 40. There are lots of other ways of being a fulfilled adult. You've come through so much already and there is half a lifetime ahead of you.

@Temphelp

Definitely not trying to say adoption is something for people who are unable to conceive naturally. Honestly speaking, as a mother of 3 biological kids, if I could go back and do it differently, I would probably have adopted. Also, I’m hoping to adopt in the near future when I have more time (and hopefully money) on my hands. Personally I just think there are far too many children suffering which is sad when there are so many loving and caring people in the world (like you).

Otherwise, if it’s not for you, that’s absolutely fine of course! totally understand wanting to birth your own child etc. whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck.

Would you add the same comment about adoption to a thread if it was someone in couple undecided about having a child or not?

I literally never see this suggested to couples who don’t mention fertility issues but I obviously don’t read every thread. But I think that’s what a lot of single women and those with fertility problems find frustrating.

Can you do parenting another way? Fostering, adoption. mentoring at local school? Being a very special auntie to some kid who doesn't get as much attention as they should?

You've got some great qualifications. Mature, independent, have a home and career. thoughtful, caring. Your condition has given you a special insight to how many lonely children feel about being different.

I literally never see this suggested to couples who don’t mention fertility issues but I obviously don’t read every thread. But I think that’s what a lot of single women and those with fertility problems find frustrating.

Because people who aren't that bothered about kids wouldn't want to adopt.. almost certainly

And adoption is not just for people with infertility. There's many people who with bio kids who'd love to adopt, but maybe don't have the money or space for an extra child or dont meet the criteria.

It's not an insult or whatever, it's just an alternative. I have kids, never had any fertility issues whatsoever and yet would love to adopt one day. I'm way too young to even be considered now

I have a friend (not close friend though), who happens to have lipoedema, who was in your shoes several years back and chose to have a child. She has a beautiful primary-age son and as far as I can tell, has never looked back and he is clearly the love of her life.

I am a single mother by choice in so far as I had my DS through IUI with a sperm donor 8 yrs ago. It isn't for everyone but I don't regret it for a moment. There are challenges of course and I won't pretend it's all rosy and you can never quite understand what being a parent is like I suppose until you have your own child(ren) but as a single mother by choice you know you're doing it alone, the mistakes are yours and the victories yours. I would always recommend it. I can't comment on the lipodema but wish you luck whatever you decide.

@holibobs12

I literally never see this suggested to couples who don’t mention fertility issues but I obviously don’t read every thread. But I think that’s what a lot of single women and those with fertility problems find frustrating.

Because people who aren't that bothered about kids wouldn't want to adopt.. almost certainly

And adoption is not just for people with infertility. There's many people who with bio kids who'd love to adopt, but maybe don't have the money or space for an extra child or dont meet the criteria.

It's not an insult or whatever, it's just an alternative. I have kids, never had any fertility issues whatsoever and yet would love to adopt one day. I'm way too young to even be considered now

There are plenty of threads on here from someone in a couple who really wants children but is undecided for whatever reason. Timing or career circumstances for example. I never see adoption ever suggested to them as an alternative. Couples taking about their future family plans (“we’d love to have a family one day!”) how often do they get asked if they’ve considered adoption before even trying to conceive? if it’s assumed a couple will conceive naturally then suggesting adoption is not even a consideration for most people. It only gets mentioned to those who can’t conceive naturally for whatever reason.

It’s not that it’s insulting but it’s offensive because it really dismisses the biological desire of having your own child and the sadness of not being able to conceive naturally. OP didn’t even ask for thoughts on adoption so why would anyone even suggest it.

Wow, so many lovely and helpful comments, thank you so much. It's always so lovely when people have heard of lipoedema too as that hasn't always been the case. I'll definitely look up Stork and I, it sounds like it might help me.

I had 2 surgeries for the lipoedema a few years ago but found them very tough going. I'd hate to go through that again if pregnancy triggered regrowth (although I wouldn't rule it out if things were progressing in a big way). It's another thing I hate the idea of a child of mine having to maybe go through as it can be so painful but I know that's only one possible outcome. I might have a daughter who has it and is totally at ease in her own skin. I know other women in that position. It's a weird one to get my head around on an emotional level when I was treated so badly and told I was ugly by so many people.

Sometimes children can be so cruel...

I don't think it's my place to advise you, as I've not had a similar experience, but I would like to tell you some things about IVF that may help you in your decision.

In some clinics, you can have gender selection due to medical reasons of the embryo you transfer with IVF.

Also, there is the option of embryo donation, so you can be sure that the condition wont be passed on.

Make the decision and try to understand what you really want. It's not easy, I know...