I am 40 in 6 months time and that big birthday is putting a lot of pressure on me. I trust the advice on here so I wanted to ask for opinions.
I don't have children (or a partner), great success of a human being that I am. I have spent my whole life desperately wanting to have a family of my own but so many things have happened to interfere with that. I have spent a lot of my adult life trying to put myself back together after experiencing significant trauma growing up, to give one example. I still struggle with my mental health but I do have great support in place with that.
I would have said I've made my peace with not having children - I think it's incredibly tough being a parent and I know so many women struggle with how relentless and exhausting it is. I think the whole thing of turning 40 soon is just bringing up a lot of very painful feelings. I don't want it to really be too late and to desperately regret not having gone for it.
If I had a child, I'd be using a sperm donor, which I've previously felt isn't always fair on the child. Now, I'd say, well lots of men go awol and aren't involved parents so maybe it's not quite the issue I have always told myself it is. I have my own (small) home and a job I enjoy, which I could fit around young children. I don't have lots of support to help with childcare (my friends are very scattered) but that would be something I'd work hard to try to build up over time if I did have a baby because I know it makes a huge difference.
The biggest complication for me right now other than being on my own and my age is I have lipoedema. It's a fat disease which makes your limbs bigger, it's genetic and it only really affects women. It's something thousands of other women also have and clearly most go onto have children (including other women in my family) but I was bullied very badly about it growing up and it feels unbearable to think of having a daughter and passing it onto her. If my child went through a fraction of what I did growing up in connection with it, I'm not sure I could cope - my bullying was so vicious. It's been a big part of why I've refused to have children in the last decade but I am fit and healthy otherwise and am increasingly mindful people have children when they have all sorts of illnesses in their families - my family generally have been lucky in avoiding dementia/certain cancers etc so that's something.
If I follow my head, I won't have children. It completely breaks my heart and it's extremely hard to visualise feeling ok over the next few decades but I am old enough to know there are good things about being childfree too, including lie ins and spontaneous holidays. I would be ok, it would just be very hard at times. If I follow my heart, I'd do anything possible to have 1 or 2 children before it's too late, because some days being a mum feels like it's everything to me, even with knowing how hard it is. I read so many posts on MN about the ups and downs and parenthood and I'm no closer to knowing what to do. I have a therapist but she obviously can't tell me what to do.