AIBU or is he?

[dollygirl12]

Long story but I'm currently not with my baby's father even though we seem to be slowly working through our issues.
He comes round to see DD at least 4/5 days during the week and all is well. No issues with anything on that front.

My issue is, he never comes when he says he will. I don't know why but this really frustrates me and I get so annoyed.
For example he'll say that he'll come around 8pm (he stays over in the living room and will do the morning shift) and will come round at 12am instead:/

There's no communication and I think that's where my issue lies. A simple, 'I'm running a late or I'll be there a bit later than I said' is all that's needed. This has been a problem since I was pregnant and he always says that he's going to come eventually so doesn't see the need to message or call giving a more accurate time to when he'll actually be here.

Another reason why this is an issue is because I'll factor in what I'm doing for the day/evening based on the time he says he'll come. Even something as simple as, 'okay he's going to come at 6pm so I'll be able to give him DD and have an early night,' then he'll arrive at 11pm and that's my early night gone out the window😑

I do have a thing with punctuality in general as I try my best to always be on time or at least update someone if I'm running a bit late so not sure if this is just me 'micromanaging.'

What are people's views on this? Would this annoy you or are you just not great with communication yourself so wouldn't really get worked up about it? Just interested to have non biased views!

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. You have a life to lead with or without him and you should be organized between you and be on the same page,I wonder if you could have a written schedual decided by you both but slightly more in your favour as the resident parent, Are you hoping to get back together or parent seperately? I think if you are to be apart as parents then there really is no need for him to do all visiting at your home either,this is not healthy going forward and you are not getting a break to do things you would like with friends etc.So much depends on where you want to be going forward,If it annoys you so much with his lax time keeping then it might help to stop being so available too, You both need a proper plan on how you are going to parent going forward, Talk to him best you can do,

I think you need to set the visits in stone and carry on as if your a single parent he has fast proved he is unreliable you need to accept that focus on you

It's controlling behaviour. You can't relax as your constantly 'waiting' for him. He feels entitled to you waiting whilst he does as he pleases. I'd go to bed and lock the door if I were you.

I was just going to say what pp said. It’s controlling. It’s a very clever tactic as the offender can claim YOU are controlling by wanting to stick to voluntarily arranged plans. But in fact they are controlling you by keeping you on edge, not knowing if the plans will happen.

I also think you should just not let him in at the wrong time

@Iputthetrampintrampoline

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. You have a life to lead with or without him and you should be organized between you and be on the same page,I wonder if you could have a written schedual decided by you both but slightly more in your favour as the resident parent, Are you hoping to get back together or parent seperately? I think if you are to be apart as parents then there really is no need for him to do all visiting at your home either,this is not healthy going forward and you are not getting a break to do things you would like with friends etc.So much depends on where you want to be going forward,If it annoys you so much with his lax time keeping then it might help to stop being so available too, You both need a proper plan on how you are going to parent going forward, Talk to him best you can do,

I agree with everything said! Thank you for this

I personally don't see it as controlling at all.
I'm not on edge or unable to relax until he comes or anything of the sort. Most of the time I know he'll be coming I just find it frustrating that there's no sense of urgency at all. His attitude is kind of like 'yeah I'll be there when I get there' sort of thing, no dedication to stick to the time given and that's what pisses me off.

I agree with the poster who said I should act like a single parent because he's proven to be unreliable. I've tried to do that before and it's definitely easier said than done but I do agree

You might not see it as controlling but it definitely is

If he didn't turn up on time and didn't text , then I wouldn't let him in when he finally rocks up. You need to stop being a doormat here and set some boundaries

@Fatgalslim

You might not see it as controlling but it definitely is

The only controlling behaviour here is his! He is making sure he controls what happens in the OP's house by not turning up at the agreed times, but some 3-4 hours later. As OP doesn't know when he will turn up, she cannot make other plans or have an early night (as she would if he was there on time)

OP, I would contact him to set times in stone, with a 20 min buffer for delay (traffic or whatever) if he's not there by then, you go to bed or get on with whatever you need to. You do not have to let him into your house!

I definitely don't see myself as being a doormat😂 I'm very vocal and I let him know this is an issue everytime.

The thing is, I really do need his help. DD is only 6 months old and I'm still recovering from the complications that happened in labour. I hardly have any help from family so I'm kind of shooting myself in the foot by telling him not to come when he's running late. It's a catch 22 situation!

I wouldn't accept it from a friend. I certainly wouldn't accept it from a partner. What do you mean working through things? Are you planning to get back with him? If you put up with this now, it will be a taste of things to come.

Text book controlling.
If it wasn't effecting you, why would you post?

He's not "running late" though if he's turning up at bloody midnight instead of 8pm. That is unacceptable. Just say to him "don't bother setting me a time as you never turn up but if you're not here by 10pm I won't be answering the door as I need my sleep to recover etc etc" just make it clearer.

@EasyLikeSundays

He's not "running late" though if he's turning up at bloody midnight instead of 8pm. That is unacceptable. Just say to him "don't bother setting me a time as you never turn up but if you're not here by 10pm I won't be answering the door as I need my sleep to recover etc etc" just make it clearer.

This is it!!

I've said to him if he's going to come later than 9pm then just don't bother coming.
It's one of those things that can be solved with simple communication or even having a bit more urgency to get to the house. Clearly asking for either of those things is unreasonable on my part as he refuses to do either!

He has keys but I can just lock the door from the inside and you can't open from the outside. I've been repeating the same thing since I was pregnant and we've literally got nowhere, it's sooo annoying. Happy to see most people find it rude too

When you say 12am do you mean midnight (rather than midday)? If so, the door would have been locked well before that. As the single mother of a young baby, you need your rest, not waiting up for some bloke to turn up when he feels like it, ignoring your welfare.

Yeah I mean 12am as in midnight.
My daughter had woken up again at half 11 anyway so I was up making bottles and so on. He came just after I put her to sleep again but like I said, I won't be letting him in after 9pm seeing as he's so unable to communicate

What’s he doing instead? Gaming? Going out?
Why isn’t his baby his first priority? How can you assume he’d show up for access visits? Also, he’s the sort who would be claiming that he looked after baby from 8-8 letting you sleep, when really he shows up at 12…. Fuck that!!!

I've said to him if he's going to come later than 9pm then just don't bother coming

But that’s worthless given you let him in anyway.

Basically he does it, you object, he does it again and you object again. But nothing changes.

He’s controlling you with his behaviour.

Next time just don’t answer the door after 8.15. Don’t answer your phone. Rinse and repeat.

Turning up late us rude. Turning up 6 hours late is beyond rude. Turning up at midnight is crazy rude! What even is the point of that? Either come round at a reasonable time so you can help put your child to bed or don’t bother. How much time does he get to spend with your DC in the morning? Does he not have to leave early for work?

@Justilou1

What’s he doing instead? Gaming? Going out? Why isn’t his baby his first priority? How can you assume he’d show up for access visits? Also, he’s the sort who would be claiming that he looked after baby from 8-8 letting you sleep, when really he shows up at 12…. Fuck that!!!

He doesn't😂 he always admits that he's got here late to my mum or whoever comes round to visit when he's here but it's still annoying. He'll be doing something like coming from his mum's house or visiting a friend. I'm not really bothered with what he's doing I just care about the bloomin communication!!

He's taking the piss, OP. I agree with everyone else. He wants you to be waiting on him so you can't do anything.

@Merryoldgoat if I tell him he won't be let in after 9 that'll make a big difference as he'll actually make an effort to come beforehand.
As I said before I'm just shooting myself in the foot because I do actually need the help. Especially how DD is teething and waking up multiple times throughout the night. So as much as it's a good solution, I've tried it before and found that I just struggle way more than necessary

@PinkSyCo exactly!!! What even is the point, it makes no sense. I've realised his thinking is just very different than the majority. I consider 8/9pm to be late/night time whereas he considers that early and considers 12/1am to be late. It's all very strange!
He does most of the work with DD and I'm able to have a lie in until around 9/10 so it's very helpful. He's not working as he was recently made redundant so currently looking for something new

He does most of the work with DD and I'm able to have a lie in until around 9/10 so it's very helpful. He's not working as he was recently made redundant so currently looking for something new

Well if he’s not working he’s got even less reason to turn up so late, unless perhaps he’s been out of work so long his sense of time has gone squiff?

No not at all, he just doesn't have any sense of urgency! In his mind, he's going to eventually turn up so why notify me that he's going to come a bit later than he's said?

In the grand scheme of things, this is something so minor but it really does irritate me🤦‍♀️you'd think I'm asking for the world but I guess you can't change someone's mindset🤷‍♀️