AIBU or is he?

[dollygirl12]

Long story but I'm currently not with my baby's father even though we seem to be slowly working through our issues.
He comes round to see DD at least 4/5 days during the week and all is well. No issues with anything on that front.

My issue is, he never comes when he says he will. I don't know why but this really frustrates me and I get so annoyed.
For example he'll say that he'll come around 8pm (he stays over in the living room and will do the morning shift) and will come round at 12am instead:/

There's no communication and I think that's where my issue lies. A simple, 'I'm running a late or I'll be there a bit later than I said' is all that's needed. This has been a problem since I was pregnant and he always says that he's going to come eventually so doesn't see the need to message or call giving a more accurate time to when he'll actually be here.

Another reason why this is an issue is because I'll factor in what I'm doing for the day/evening based on the time he says he'll come. Even something as simple as, 'okay he's going to come at 6pm so I'll be able to give him DD and have an early night,' then he'll arrive at 11pm and that's my early night gone out the window😑

I do have a thing with punctuality in general as I try my best to always be on time or at least update someone if I'm running a bit late so not sure if this is just me 'micromanaging.'

What are people's views on this? Would this annoy you or are you just not great with communication yourself so wouldn't really get worked up about it? Just interested to have non biased views!

What does he actually do with his DD when he rocks up late at night? Surely at 6 months you will be trying to establish a nightly routine? Does he just use your facilities, have a kip then look after her all morning? 🤔

The only way I can possibly see him justify being such a flake is if:

1. You and him jointly own/rent this home.
2. He has temporarily moved out but still regards this home as his too.
3. He has some sort of job that means he frequently has to work irregular hours, doctor or police officer or something.

Otherwise he is just doing it to control you.

How old is your baby? Good news is as your baby gets older, and night time waking is less of a thing, this will sort itself out I imagine.

“Baby’s bedtime is 7pm, so if you want to see him be here at 6.30pm to give him his bedtime bottle and a story”. If he’s late he misses it.

Turning up at 12am?! Bugger that. Some people just can't be on time but that's just taking the absolute p**s.

@Justleaveitblankthen

What does he actually do with his DD when he rocks up late at night? Surely at 6 months you will be trying to establish a nightly routine? Does he just use your facilities, have a kip then look after her all morning? 🤔

This is it😂 it's not even funny but honestly it's laugh or cry!

DD has a stable bedtime routine as she sleeps from 7-7 most nights (been slightly disturbed since she's been teething but that's more or less it.)

I just gave the example of 12am as that's what he did last night but it ranges from anytime. Sometimes he'll say he'll try and come around 2pm then turns up at 5pm with no communication. I just find it annoying and disrespectful. Especially as I might be struggling with DD and I'll be telling myself 'he'll be here in a hour or two' but turns out that isn't even true

2. He has temporarily moved out but still regards this home as his too.

Yeah maybe this is what it is. But he's always been so bad with time keeping, it's nothing new

Is he even working? Who goes to see there child at midnight!

He does it because he can.

He does it because he can use the key to just let himself in.

Take back your key and stop accommodating this nonsense.

DD has a stable bedtime routine as she sleeps from 7-7 most nights (been slightly disturbed since she's been teething but that's more or less it.)

So what is it he is doing ??
Go out, if its daytime otherwise go to bed and lock the door

I think you need a set plan. I can't see how it's any use of him coming at midnight. He may as well turn up at 6.45 if you sat she usually sleeps 7-7 and then you can still lie in but he doesn't need to sleep over.

Is he hoping for something a bit extra if he sleeps over? If not I can't see why he'd want to.

Sadly it’s obvious his child isn’t his first priority.
“Running late” is 15/20 mi utes due to traffic/ phone call as you were leaving work etc. 4 hours isn’t running late, it’s an evening in the pub or a date.
I think setting firm boundaries is the only solution. If he can’t be bothered turning up on time for his child then he doesn’t deserve her.

Thank you for all the comments.
I agree with many and think I will ask for my key back to try and gain back some sort of control. Seems as if we just need to start with the basics and have set times for visits because it's getting ridiculous

@Suzanne999

Sadly it’s obvious his child isn’t his first priority. “Running late” is 15/20 mi utes due to traffic/ phone call as you were leaving work etc. 4 hours isn’t running late, it’s an evening in the pub or a date. I think setting firm boundaries is the only solution. If he can’t be bothered turning up on time for his child then he doesn’t deserve her.

This is what upsets me too. The lack of urgency when coming to see his own child just makes me feel that she's not a priority at all. If he had to come round for something in particular or if we had to go somewhere, he'd be on time. In his eyes because he's just coming round to help around the house and see his child etc, there's no rush as he'll be here eventually. Really don't understand that thinking

It's not a 'minor' thing!

I wouldn't expect it in work, from friends or family def not from a partner!

If that's his normal and he doesn't plan to change it, fuck him off or let him know what's acceptable and stick to it!

Of course it's controlling. He's making sure you know that if he is going to help with your DD, it is on his terms and at his convenience. I would not allow this.