To not solve this for her

[unreasonabledaughter]

NC in case the info is outing

A little background to help understand the situation
I was given up for adoption at birth, I was raised by a narcissist who I am no longer in contact with but I still struggle with FOG and do not always know if I am being reasonable with my reactions. I also traced my birth mum over a decade ago, we have an ok relationship but it has been very up and down over the years. She has cut me off for significant periods of time in the past for not contacting her enough been though she was not contacting me either, she has never provided for me financially or done anything for me practically including babysitting my children (I have no issue with either of these facts as I am very independent and have not needed either, just giving context)
The issue is that she is struggling financially at the moment, she ideally needs to spend a couple of thousand pounds on essential home improvements but is struggling just to cover the basic bills. She is posting passive-aggressive status updates on Facebook about it and saying she has had enough and cannot cope anymore etc

I have been trying to help with practical advice, finding companies who offer the improvement on credit, loans at cheaper rates than the credit as an alternative etc, offering to help go through her incomings and outgoings to see if things can be adjusted to improve her finances and even looking for alternative jobs for her (she is on minimum wage but her sector is in real demand at the moment so could increase her pay and hours pretty easily by moving employment).

Everything is being met with negativity and comments of 'I just give up, I cannot cope' and I am getting to the end of my tether with it all! Over the years she has had plenty of opportunity to build up savings but chose to spend her wages in full every month, it is only due to a change in circumstances that she is now struggling but realistically the change in circumstances was predictable for a couple of years and were fully confirmed for at least 6 months before it happened but she still chose to not prepare for it (sorry trying to be vague to not be outing).

She has not asked outright for help but she is definitely playing the guilt trip on me and expecting me to solve things for her but due to my past I am torn on how to react.
The reality is that other than giving birth to me she has done nothing for me in life (except cause me hurt and upset if I am honest) and after lots of counselling over the years I am at a point where I have said I will not cut her out of my life but if she cut me out again I would be done and not hang around for more hurt.
Financially DH and I are by no means rich but we have always been sensible and do have savings which would easily cover her home improvements, however, I would feel very resentful giving them to her, especially when she refuses to help herself, for example, she moans about only just being able to afford the bills but refuses to do any overtime offered to her even though she isn't even working fulltime (no disability or dependents stopping her from doing it either)

So am I being unreasonable not to use our savings to dig her out of this mess and only offer practical advice? or should I help her as at the end of the day she is the reason I exist no matter how volatile our relationship?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You're entitled to draw your boundaries wherever you see fit, and I think a lot of people would baulk at handing over their savings to someone else even without any of the back story. Personally I think this would only cause more resentment, and you are providing significant help already. If she won't take the options you're suggesting, that's her choice.

You owe her not a penny op. Not a shiny new penny. Not even an old dirty one.
Back a way if she isn't good for your mh. You owe her nothing. Not because she gave you up but because she isn't adding anything positive to your life now. In fact she is draining you...

Her choices are not your problem to solve.

Please do not your your own future at risk for someone who treats you so terribly.

Personally I don't think you have any obligation to her whatsoever and I would be wary that if you do it once, it'll happen again.

If the home improvement is something like a boiler that means she has literally no heating or hot water at this time of year, I might reconsider but if it's something that can wait, absolutely not.

Oh sweetie,of course you are not being unreasonable. What exactly does she bring to the party? It sounds like she's all take
Put yourself first

OP

You definitely should not give her a penny.

And you should limit the help you’re giving her currently.

First of all, mute her on Facebook.

No, don't pay for it!

She probably won't be especially grateful and will just keep heavily hinting for more.

Personally I would walk away from her. How dare she act like a victim and like you owe her. Even if there were understandable reasons why she wasn't there for you as a child, she has made no effort to be there for you as an adult, but instead is putting demands on you.

Thank you for the responses, it is good to know that I am not being unreasonable as I really struggle to know if my boundaries are ok.
Unfortunately, it is her boiler that has broken. However, it has been on the way out for a couple of years and no action has been taken to sort it or to save towards a new one, this is why I feel guilty!

With regards to what she brings to the party you have hit the nail on the head @WayneKorr she is all take

There should be give and take and compromise in every adult relationship.
But it sounds like she is doing all the taking and expecting you to do all the giving. You have built your life with your husband and need to concentrate on your future. You are not responsible for her choices or the fallout from them.
Stay strong.

You don't owe her anything, concentrate all your energy and resources on your own dc who are your responsibility, and treat her as you would a casual friend.

You owe her absolutely nothing. Don't give her a penny. You say she has caused nothing but pain. It really is time to let her go. She is never going to be the mother you wanted her to be. Is there anyone else who can take on that role such as a mother-in-law or aunt?

Ever since she has been in my life we have had a reversed relationship as in I have been forced to take the parental role, I am the one having to give help and advice, I am the one having to reassure and comfort and I am the one who has to make all the effort and running. But in some ways I feel responsible, it feels like her emotional development stopped the day she gave me up (it wasn't her own choice) she is very childish in her ways and behaviours and I honestly believe if I did;t exist she wouldn't be the way she is, so in the past, I have done everything to try and fix her and make it up to her if that makes any sense? but now I am just exhausted by it

See if she qualifies for the government grant for a boiler.

I think it'd something like ECO

Please stop Op. What I say might sound harsh and sting, but I benefited from being told this so much. People are who they are. She is someone whom 'life happens to' and she needs constant help and is always a victim. You are someone who broke the cycle of your poor upbringing. YOU are the reason you exist. Your determination, good sense and, it appears, almost infinite kindness and forgiveness. She did not create this. She gave you up, because she could not manage, as she cannot manage now. Do not let her drag you down, walk tall and proud and enjoy the savings you set aside for YOUR rainy day. Your mother should be proud of you and support you. Take a deep breath, say no, and be proud of yourself.

Absolutely not. You're already helping her way more than she would help you. She might be the way she is since she had you but that still doesn't mean its anything to do with you - she has much more control over her behaviour than you had about being born!
The last bit clinched it for me - if she was working crazy hours and the costs of living were so high (eg a nurse living in London) then I might consider it. But as it stands she isnt even working full time, and it sounds like despite that she could have saved. So its not that she can't help herself she is actively choosing not to.
But ultimately would she do the same for you if the roles were reversed? It doesn't sound like it to me. Please don't feel guilty, it sounds like you're already doing more than she deserves

Oh OP, I wish I could give you a huge hug. It sounds like a bit of a mess, and you're then only person making any effort but ultimately getting hurt as a result.
You've been super unlucky to have a (by the sound of it) dysfunctional birth mother and then get a narc for an adoptive parent. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I have some experience of narc behaviour as I have a similar sibling.

OP, please listen to me when I tell you that in no way are you responsible for your birth mother's situation/personality/dysfunction. This is simply how she is, as a person. If she hadn't had you and had to give you up, she probably would still be the same person. You don't have to rescue her or fix her or make things better - not only do you not have to do this, but you actually shouldn't even try. It's not your job, it's not your fault. You simply don't have that sort of relationship and you will end up feeling used taken for granted, resentful and hurt.

Perhaps if you hadn't been raised by a narc and your sense of self and self esteem hadn't been polluted by FOG, then you'd be able to more easily see the truth of the situation/relationship and separate yourself from her dramas and manipulation.

OP, just walk away. You're literally flogging a dead horse here. Why are you willing to subject yourself to more hurt/emotional upset/punishment for a woman who wasn't able to be there for you as a child and hasn't even been able or willing to be there for you since she met you as an adult? It sounds like she does nothing but drag you down and mire you in her woes and troubles (which sound like they're caused by a lack of planning and foresight on her behalf and are not your problems to fix).

OP, you are a huge success in life. You're come from a place where you've been very poorly parented but have had the resilience and self-awareness to do much better for your own DC. You sound like a caring person and I'd bet you've put a lot of effort into being a very different kind of parent for you own DC - this means you're a huge success story. You are literally smashing life, if you've been able to free yourself from a narc and build healthier relationships and boundaries going forward. You lose absolutely nothing by walking away and leaving your birth mother to her own life and own drama. It doesn't reflect badly on you, it's not a failing on your part. Put your own mental health, your DH and your DC ahead of this woman - you owe her nothing.

She IS an adult, even though she may act like a child. Sometimes we have to face the negative consequences of our choices in order to grow and change and make different choices next time. Perhaps it is time for her to take charge of her own life, at last.

Consider that you might be doing the best thing for her by allowing her to realise that she does not need to look to others to solve her problems - that she has the capacity and the resources inside herself to do so. You can refuse this request with love and empathy in your heart. I would also draw away from offering practical advice and so on - this is still taking the responsibility on yourself and infantilising her.

It would certainly be the best thing for you and your own family. Which is your first duty. It doesn't sound like her presence in your life adds much I positivity, so if she did stop speaking to you, in time it could come to feel a relief.

It sounds like she wouldn’t appreciate it even if you did help. Right now it’s her boiler but next it might be her car, her roof etc.

Sometimes the most helpful thing to do is to do nothing.

She may have given birth to you but that’s it. You don’t have to fix her.

You absolutely do not need to fix this.

I was going to post to say you sound like you think you’re responsible for her in an almost parental role - a reversal. But I see you already appreciate that and have understood your motivations. You’re clearly self-aware and intelligent.

You’re not responsible for her. Put down that burden.

"She IS an adult, even though she may act like a child. Sometimes we have to face the negative consequences of our choices in order to grow and change and make different choices next time."

This x100.

Don't enable her irresponsible choices. Put yourself first and your children first.

This sounds like quite a heavy one sided relationship OP. I would consider limiting contact.

God no, please don’t even consider it.
You owe her nothing at all

OP I have a parent like this - everything "happens" to them. They're such a victim, will constantly say "Well I don't know what I'm meant to do" I've recently ceased contact and I can honestly say its the best thing I've ever done in terms of my own mental health.

I can totally understand your role reversal, and you taking on the parental role - I did it for years, money that was never repaid, favours that were never returned, and I always felt that I was the lowest priority for them.

I also got the passive aggressive "Oh but I really cant afford X,Y,Z" cue sad wistful face looking at me - and I was forever giving in and offering to sort stuff out. It was never appreciated - not in the long term.

Someone told me a while back that we cant allow behaviour that we wouldn't tolerate in friends from people who we simply share some DNA with - and I've come to agree with that.... I'd be having a think about only having people in your life who add value to it and appreciate the value that you add to theirs :) x

Personally I think you should go NC. But at the very least, do not give her a penny.

I would help my birth mother/child/relative/friend in an instance with somthing like a boiler IF they had done everything they possibly could to sort it themselves.