To not solve this for her

[unreasonabledaughter]

NC in case the info is outing

A little background to help understand the situation
I was given up for adoption at birth, I was raised by a narcissist who I am no longer in contact with but I still struggle with FOG and do not always know if I am being reasonable with my reactions. I also traced my birth mum over a decade ago, we have an ok relationship but it has been very up and down over the years. She has cut me off for significant periods of time in the past for not contacting her enough been though she was not contacting me either, she has never provided for me financially or done anything for me practically including babysitting my children (I have no issue with either of these facts as I am very independent and have not needed either, just giving context)
The issue is that she is struggling financially at the moment, she ideally needs to spend a couple of thousand pounds on essential home improvements but is struggling just to cover the basic bills. She is posting passive-aggressive status updates on Facebook about it and saying she has had enough and cannot cope anymore etc

I have been trying to help with practical advice, finding companies who offer the improvement on credit, loans at cheaper rates than the credit as an alternative etc, offering to help go through her incomings and outgoings to see if things can be adjusted to improve her finances and even looking for alternative jobs for her (she is on minimum wage but her sector is in real demand at the moment so could increase her pay and hours pretty easily by moving employment).

Everything is being met with negativity and comments of 'I just give up, I cannot cope' and I am getting to the end of my tether with it all! Over the years she has had plenty of opportunity to build up savings but chose to spend her wages in full every month, it is only due to a change in circumstances that she is now struggling but realistically the change in circumstances was predictable for a couple of years and were fully confirmed for at least 6 months before it happened but she still chose to not prepare for it (sorry trying to be vague to not be outing).

She has not asked outright for help but she is definitely playing the guilt trip on me and expecting me to solve things for her but due to my past I am torn on how to react.
The reality is that other than giving birth to me she has done nothing for me in life (except cause me hurt and upset if I am honest) and after lots of counselling over the years I am at a point where I have said I will not cut her out of my life but if she cut me out again I would be done and not hang around for more hurt.
Financially DH and I are by no means rich but we have always been sensible and do have savings which would easily cover her home improvements, however, I would feel very resentful giving them to her, especially when she refuses to help herself, for example, she moans about only just being able to afford the bills but refuses to do any overtime offered to her even though she isn't even working fulltime (no disability or dependents stopping her from doing it either)

So am I being unreasonable not to use our savings to dig her out of this mess and only offer practical advice? or should I help her as at the end of the day she is the reason I exist no matter how volatile our relationship?

I agree with @ComeAllYeFaithful
It’s hard but to be honest it’s not your problem. As you said she could’ve/ should’ve saved up or applied to see if she can the government grant.
Instead she’s just sitting back “woe is me”-ing until someone fixes it for her.

You’re absolutely right not to be fixing this for her. Pay for her boiler and in two months, she’ll need work doing on her car. Two months after that she’ll need something else. And she will look to you each time to sort it out for her. You’ve already gone above and beyond by offering to help with practical solutions. She doesn’t want your solutions. She wants you to fix her life for her. Whatever you do, it will never be enough. However much money you give her, she’ll always need more. However much you contact her, she’ll always think you should have phoned more. She’s a taker. She will take everything you have and then cut you off when you have no more to give.

I think your biological mother and your adoptive mother are cut from the same cloth. The purpose of your existence isn’t to buffer either of them from life. Yes, she gave birth to you. But you were then raised by someone who left you needing counselling. So what wonderful thing has she done for you exactly?

In your position, I’d cut her off too.

wow, thank you for all the kind and thoughtful replies.
Many of you seem to have her spot on, life does indeed seem to 'happen TO her'
I realistically know that I would be better going NC with her, I know that deep down this relationship is no better than that with the narc and in some ways is more destructive, however, there is still that tiny little girl inside who wants her mother to love her
Two years ago, stuff happened that made it seem like she was about to cut me off again (I think she would have if her circumstances hadn't changed making me useful to her) and I remember feeling relieved that it was coming and almost disappointed when it didn't but then my conditioning as a child makes the fear and guilt kick in and I go back to being the dutiful daughter, she actually benefits from my abuse as a child as I still continue to forgive and try to help those hurting me!
You are all right, in the fact I need to step back and if my doing so causes her to cut me off then I have lost nothing (except the stress and drama)
Looking back she has always had someone fixing things for her and has lost them over the years for various reasons, it is time she started standing on her own two feet like I have been doing all my life.
I need to learn to ignore the passive-aggression but it is hard!

Thank you all again

No advice, but really feel for you and the difficult conflicts all this causes for you. Good advice on here already. You sound amazing OP.

Have to agree you do sound amazing x

Aww thank you @HyacynthBucket and @Bargoed I am certainly not amazing but I do try my hardest to do better with my own DC. I obviously do not have a good role model but I certainly know many ways of how not to do it so we are working it out as we go along

I read on a thread some time ago the perfect response to thinly disguised requests for help.

• my boiler's broken!

-oh dear, what are you going to do about it? In essence, throw the request back at them. What are YOU going to do, what do YOU think? Where are YOU going to get the money from? Etc etc. Good luck OP.

Adults should be left to take care of themselves. As someone who has no issues with family, I've known since I was 18 that I was almost entirely on my own financially, my parents money was theirs, my siblings money was theirs, mine was my own. It wouldn't cross the mind of anyone in my family to expect financial help from anyone else.

(I say almost as my father did loan me money to pay for university and my first car, paid him back within two years of graduating.)

@Bargoed

I would help my birth mother/child/relative/friend in an instance with somthing like a boiler IF they had done everything they possibly could to sort it themselves.

Agreed, has she exhausted all options? Can you offer it as a loan? I would probably just pay for it but for the last time then they are on their own, don’t let her exploit you anymore

@Bluetrews25

I read on a thread some time ago the perfect response to thinly disguised requests for help.

• my boiler's broken!

-oh dear, what are you going to do about it? In essence, throw the request back at them. What are YOU going to do, what do YOU think? Where are YOU going to get the money from? Etc etc. Good luck OP.

All of those questions are answered with variations of 'I don't know' 'there is nothing I can do' 'I will just freeze' 'I have had enough and can't cope' Except she hasn't once looked into any options! Like I say it has been dying for at least 2 years, she has not had a single quote or even researched how much it could possibly cost, she hasn't looked into the possibility of getting credit, she hasn't tried to save a penny. She also knew that her circumstances were going to change financially and although I prompted her to look into her entitlements or to cut back, look at incomings and outgoings etc she just ignored it and still hasn't done anything nearly 2 months after the changes took effect! She says she is too busy but that means getting home from work and playing on her phone!

Oh dear that sounds so stressful for you OP!

Two years ago, stuff happened that made it seem like she was about to cut me off again (I think she would have if her circumstances hadn't changed making me useful to her) and I remember feeling relieved that it was coming and almost disappointed when it didn't

In this instance you're doing the same as her. You're waiting for the split to happen to you, without you doing anything active to bring it about. You have the right to end contact for yourself, to make it happen.

but then my conditioning as a child makes the fear and guilt kick in and I go back to being the dutiful daughter, she actually benefits from my abuse as a child as I still continue to forgive and try to help those hurting me!

Then may I recommend you read Out of the Fog: Moving from Confusion to Clarity After Narcissistic Abuse

(FOG stands for fear, obligation, guilt)

@Feedingthebirds1

Two years ago, stuff happened that made it seem like she was about to cut me off again (I think she would have if her circumstances hadn't changed making me useful to her) and I remember feeling relieved that it was coming and almost disappointed when it didn't

In this instance you're doing the same as her. You're waiting for the split to happen to you, without you doing anything active to bring it about. You have the right to end contact for yourself, to make it happen.

but then my conditioning as a child makes the fear and guilt kick in and I go back to being the dutiful daughter, she actually benefits from my abuse as a child as I still continue to forgive and try to help those hurting me!

Then may I recommend you read ]]

(FOG stands for fear, obligation, guilt)

Yes, I guess you are right, I suppose I am waiting for it to happen, Like I said previously it is that little girl hanging on for a mother's love that stops me.

I have read plenty about narcs and FOG over the years and also had therapy, but I still really struggle with letting go of the conditioning , but it was 30 years of conditioning so it is ingrained deeply

What a horrible situation.
I am glad for you that you have your own family and hope that you can enjoy them.
I would worry that if you did give her this money it would be the beginning of many requests and more unpleasant manipulative behaviour

YANBU - her problems and lack of planning and financial issues are her problems not yours. Do not give her a penny, you owe her nothing!

Definitely don't help her out. She is not your responsibility and I think you should seriously consider why you talk to her at all. I think you should go NC.

Maybe an idea to also mute her on Facebook. That way you won't see the passive aggressive posts