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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be horrified by this Metro article about standing by an offender (content warning, read with care)

146 replies

blackcatclub · 29/11/2021 07:17

I opened this article thinking it would be about her leaving him: metro.co.uk/2021/11/28/i-was-8-months-pregnant-when-my-partner-was-arrested-for-child-sex-offences-15662442/

But no.

As a survivor of abuse I am absolutely appalled that they published this as if it was ok and the woman was not in fact deluded and minimising everything.

OP posts:
twelly · 29/11/2021 16:27

I am not the person in this situation so I can't begin to understand how she feels, but I can see her point of view and understand her reasoning. My view in general is a person does one wrong thing does not mean that everything they do is wrong, of course this depends on the circumstances and situation. I think she is in an awful dilemma and there are problems with whatever she decides.

lynntheyresexpeople · 29/11/2021 16:28

@swissmodel

I think it's very easy to judge and to state "Well I would have left my partner/spouse immediately", as long as you haven't been on that situation. Things are often different when it's your own life.

Additionally, someone misbehaving sexually doesn't mean they're a danger to their own children. Is a 50 year old man who likes a 20 year old, also attracted to his own 20 year old daughter?

A 50 year old interested in a 20 year old WOMAN, Is not the same as an adult male sexually approaching a 12 year old CHILD - the fact you've even attempted to compare the two is absolutely fucking shocking.
TheWeeDonkey · 29/11/2021 16:30

misbehaving sexually

Farkin hell!!!!!

stalkersaga · 29/11/2021 16:35

Like this is his first offence. If this is based, even loosely, on a real case, no doubt forensic examination of his devices will turn up further abuse of children.

PicaK · 29/11/2021 16:42

@PicaK

He didn't actually hurt a child. Wtf!
Apologies. I was indeed expressing my outrage. And absolute disgust at the wife's reasoning. Should have been clearer though.
WhenSepEnds · 29/11/2021 16:56

@lynntheyresexpeople

Oh for Christ's sake - he sexually messaged someone he believed to be a 12 year old child.

"It's easy to say you'd leave"
Yes - it is fucking easy! Any sort of mother would leave the second they found out he was a danger to children, and that social services didn't trust him around his own child. That isn't something which is said lightly.

Some of the apologist replies on this thread are absolutely batshit. That woman's child should be removed the second she's born. The mother has been warned that SS will not allow him to be around the baby without supervision. If she's willing to choose him, after he's shown what he's capable of, over her own baby - she doesn't deserve the baby in the first place.

Completely agree. If he's not safe to be found kids, why would hers be any different? If anything it would be worse/ more accessible? Christ almighty I can't believe anyone would ever stay
AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 29/11/2021 16:58

Apologists gotta apologise. It's dismaying to see paedophilia defended on MN but every cock must have a dungheap upon which to crow (as the French say).

AlfonsoTheUnrepentant · 29/11/2021 16:58

To be clear: I am not comparing MN to a dungheap!

30whatacrock · 29/11/2021 17:17

@Ritasueandbobtoo9

Devils advocate:

It wasn’t a 12 year old girl it was a police officer.

I think police and paedophile hunters should stop doing this and concentrate on people who are actually abusing real children rather than psychologically manipulating people into committing a crime.

Discuss:-

Are you being serious. As far as he was concerned, it was a 12 year old girl. He therefore was abusing a real child as far as he knew. He wasn’t psychologically manipulated into doing anything. Police are not allowed to lead these perverts.

Your ridiculous statement is clearly goady. Either that or you are a complete idiot.

twelly · 29/11/2021 17:24

There is a huge difference between defending the partners action and sympathising with the position that the pregnant mother to be is in - she is in a very difficult position. I have upmost sympathy for her she hasn't done anything wrong and her decision will not have been taken lightly. I can't begin to imagine how awful it is for her and would not judge her as I am not in her shoes

ifoundthebread · 29/11/2021 17:31

My "Biological" father was prosecuted for serial assault and in his guilty plea statement said "he wasn't a very nice man and had peadophilic tendencies when the offence took place" - he was being prosecuted for assault on a 17 year-old girl. Why would you admit to this when it wasn't even discussed at court, but his wife stayed with him anyway even though she had 2 teenage daughters. Her reasoning was because he was her saviour from an abusive relationship and hadn't hurt her or her kids to her knowledge so had no reason to leave him 🤨 trying to understand someone else's reasoning is sometimes impossible.

Sn0tnose · 29/11/2021 17:31

@swissmodel

I think it's very easy to judge and to state "Well I would have left my partner/spouse immediately", as long as you haven't been on that situation. Things are often different when it's your own life.

Additionally, someone misbehaving sexually doesn't mean they're a danger to their own children. Is a 50 year old man who likes a 20 year old, also attracted to his own 20 year old daughter?

What the fuck is wrong with you? Genuine question.
ButtonSister · 29/11/2021 17:58

@swissmodel

I think it's very easy to judge and to state "Well I would have left my partner/spouse immediately", as long as you haven't been on that situation. Things are often different when it's your own life.

Additionally, someone misbehaving sexually doesn't mean they're a danger to their own children. Is a 50 year old man who likes a 20 year old, also attracted to his own 20 year old daughter?

If a man, knowing that sexual approaches to or grooming of a 12 year old is illegal and morally repugnant, but persists nonetheless then yes, I would very much question his ability to maintain proper boundaries with his own 12 year old daughter.
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 29/11/2021 18:01

Anyone one who stands by a Paedophilic beast is as bad as one.

blusteredbirds · 29/11/2021 18:21

@swissmodel

I think it's very easy to judge and to state "Well I would have left my partner/spouse immediately", as long as you haven't been on that situation. Things are often different when it's your own life.

Additionally, someone misbehaving sexually doesn't mean they're a danger to their own children. Is a 50 year old man who likes a 20 year old, also attracted to his own 20 year old daughter?

I dumped someone who said he'd like to see me in a schoolgirl outfit. There was no way back from that. I can absolutely state I could never, ever continue with someone who was engaging in any form of sexual communication or contact with a child. It repulses me at a deep, deep level.
Athomewiththehales89 · 29/11/2021 18:24

I feel like society is just trying to inch closer to identifying pedophiles as MAPs and adding them to their glittery rainbow thus undoing all the progress made in LGB rights and as always totally disregarding the rights of children

TheWeeDonkey · 29/11/2021 18:26

@swissmodel

I think it's very easy to judge and to state "Well I would have left my partner/spouse immediately", as long as you haven't been on that situation. Things are often different when it's your own life.

Additionally, someone misbehaving sexually doesn't mean they're a danger to their own children. Is a 50 year old man who likes a 20 year old, also attracted to his own 20 year old daughter?

Like I said, some women will put up with any old shit to hang on to "their man". Hmm
blusteredbirds · 29/11/2021 18:31

@twelly

I am not the person in this situation so I can't begin to understand how she feels, but I can see her point of view and understand her reasoning. My view in general is a person does one wrong thing does not mean that everything they do is wrong, of course this depends on the circumstances and situation. I think she is in an awful dilemma and there are problems with whatever she decides.
I can't identify with this post at all.

I can understand that it would cause her deep pain to find the man she loved wasn't who she thought, there is a real grief in that, and to be faced with raising a child alone.

I cannot understand her attempting to believe that he still IS the man she thought.

Of course being bad in one situation does not mean someone is bad in all situations. No one would claim that. But how low does your bar need to be if the you think that someone can be a sex offender/ paedophile/ violent gangster/ murderer but because he's quite nice in other areas you'll overlook that?

This is a man with a sexual interest in children, pre-pubescent children at that, and an interest he was acting on with a real life child (as he thought). I despair that there are women, likely mothers, trying to argue that there is a 'dilemma' in whether to regard that as a relationship deal killer.

30whatacrock · 29/11/2021 18:40

@TheWeeDonkey.
Like I said, some women will put up with any old shit to hang on to "their man".

You are so right. Including putting their own children at risk. It’s reprehensible and unforgivable. If a male is sexually attracted to children, he poses a risk to all children, whether they live in his family or are strangers.

fabulous01 · 29/11/2021 20:34

The majority of women stand by their men....

And argue with social services on risk assessments

Strange, but scarily true

twelly · 29/11/2021 21:24

I don't think the article was arguing for the partner or excusing his behaviour- I think she was explaining how difficult things were. I can't begin to imagine how that must feel especially as she is pregnant. She must feel so lost and confused and as I said unsure of what to do. I think its very easy to judge - I don't know how I would feel or react but I would be extremely upset and distraught so I have sympathy for her.

cakecakecheese · 29/11/2021 21:37

I have a family member who is married to someone who spent time in prison for downloading indecent images of children. She doesn't understand why no one wants anything to do with him, I think she's also in denial, like because he didn't actually do anything to a child he's not a risk.

YouCantTourniquetTheTaint · 29/11/2021 21:42

Fucking hell that's sick. Crimes like that are usually precursor crimes, they send dick picks to little girls* then when that thrill isn't enough they go on to do worse in person.

I will give her the benefit of the doubt in regards to her being in shock, (obviously if true) I think when the baby comes, her maternal instinct may kick in, and she will stop defending him.

Also he has admitted that offence, however what else will be on his phone? I'm betting CSA photos.

*It matters not one jot that it was an undercover police sting. He thought it was a 12 year old girl. The intent was there.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 29/11/2021 22:03

People do excuse abusers all the time. It is easy to say that you would immediately leave, cut ties, never see a person again but the reality is that many women continue to stay even after conviction. Having met four convicted sex offenders during my lifespan and know another that potentially is a dangerous predator but has not been convicted of a serious offence I can see how people around them minimise, make excuses, down right disbelieve, blame the girls, blame the women, blame the police and so on. This article may or may not be true but sex offenders tend not to be knowingly scary people in real life, they can be charming, they are covert, they don’t show who they are so when caught it it is really difficult for the people around them to marry up who they are with what they’ve done.

Pleasingly, Yorkshire Police have arrested a number of predators today in Dewsbury and somewhere else.

blusteredbirds · 30/11/2021 09:19

This article may or may not be true but sex offenders tend not to be knowingly scary people in real life, they can be charming, they are covert, they don’t show who they are so when caught it it is really difficult for the people around them to marry up who they are with what they’ve done

Absolutely. They often are the men you would least suspect, the men you like and trust. No parent would let them get anywhere near a child if they appeared strange or weird or bad. We are trained by books and movies from early infancy that people who do bad things look bad. They don't.