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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To speak to the school about this?

70 replies

Largethighsbadeyes · 29/11/2021 00:16

DD is in year 6

She has been added to a watsapp group for her year group and I check her phone every so often which was a condition of her getting the phone.

Last week another boy in the class created a new group called "romance only"

His first message asked if anyone wanted to meet up after school and make out. All the other kids replied along the lines of "don't be weird"

He posted again about how he really wants a girlfriend and wanted to know what girls look for in a boy. When people again told him it was weird he said things along the lines of "come on baby girl"

A few days later he started posted tick tok videos. He posted 2 very similar ones which involved a heart monitor flatlining and the caption read "would you care if this happened to your friend"

So I have 2 concerns.

  1. I don't think the original messages are appropriate for 10 year olds (but appreciate that I may be out of touch)
  1. I found the tick tok videos worrying. Why the emphasis on death?

From what I know this boy is a nice lad, well behaved at school, not a trouble maker etc

I don't really know his mum so can't speak to her directly so my other option is speaking to the school.

What would you do, if anything?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 29/11/2021 00:19

It's speak to the school. It is not appropriate.

bonfireheart · 29/11/2021 00:21

Firstly I would remove DD from the WhatsApp group. I'd ask DD if this boy was a friend or just someone in her class, and see what she knows about him and if he is making her and the other kids uncomfortable. I don't really understand the videos but if I thought he was going to harm himself or others I would call Student Welfare team at school who deal with safeguarding.

takealettermsjones · 29/11/2021 00:23

I agree that it sounds a bit weird but has he done anything wrong as such? I'd just get your DD to leave the group and have a talk to her about how to block/leave/delete etc when things get uncomfortable online.

toomuchlaundry · 29/11/2021 00:24

There’s a reason there are age limits for social media

sarah13xx · 29/11/2021 00:33

My child is only a baby but I’m hoping I can avoid letting him have a phone until he’s 40 for this exact reason 🙈 Totally see why you’d want to go to the school since you really have no one else you could go to about it. I’m a teacher, luckily I teach 5 year olds so most don’t have a phone, some do though! Can you imagine how many times per day/week/month schools are wasting time having to go through ‘he said/she said’ on snapchat, Instagram, Facebook etc the previous night. So much wasted time when it’s really not the school’s issue but they have no choice but to confront some of these problems that are happening as a result 🙄 Social media/phones must cause more problems than they solve at that age

Phoenix76 · 29/11/2021 00:45

@sarah13xx

My child is only a baby but I’m hoping I can avoid letting him have a phone until he’s 40 for this exact reason 🙈 Totally see why you’d want to go to the school since you really have no one else you could go to about it. I’m a teacher, luckily I teach 5 year olds so most don’t have a phone, some do though! Can you imagine how many times per day/week/month schools are wasting time having to go through ‘he said/she said’ on snapchat, Instagram, Facebook etc the previous night. So much wasted time when it’s really not the school’s issue but they have no choice but to confront some of these problems that are happening as a result 🙄 Social media/phones must cause more problems than they solve at that age
Who set up the WhatsApp group? That could have some bearing on how it proceeds.

I’m quoting @sarah13xx because while I agree that technically this isn’t a school issue, my dcs primary school are really focused on online safety and this is the sort of thing they would really want to know about. My two are 5&8 and despite pleas for phones we’re not giving in for a while yet and this kind of shit is one of the reasons why. I would be having a “please advise” conversation with your dcs school as it’s a year WhatsApp group. What the boy is posting is very clearly inappropriate and maybe he needs some support himself.

iklboo · 29/11/2021 00:48

Sorry to be obtuse, but are you / she sure it's actually the boy himself?

HikingforScenery · 29/11/2021 00:51

Gosh no advice but this post will spur me on to stick to my guns on the ‘no phone’ decision for my y6 DD.

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 29/11/2021 00:52

I would speak to the school, yes. It might not be their problem technically, but the boy's messages are going to the class so the teacher should be aware. I'd also leave the whatsapp group, I don't see any need for the class to be in a group! I wouldn't have a 10 year old with a phone at all tbh but perhaps you have reasons for that.

Marvellousmadness · 29/11/2021 02:55

There’s a reason there are age limits for social media

^^this

It's not school you should point your finger at op...

T0rt0ise · 29/11/2021 03:02

Yes, definitely let the school know. This could well be a safe guarding issue.

peaceatlastnot · 29/11/2021 03:35

Yep, speak to school. Be aware that your child is under age for whatsap so this may be pointed out to you. My year 6 is also on WhatsApp so not judging

Ubiquery · 29/11/2021 04:02

She has been added to a watsapp group for her year group

Who did this and how did they get her number? I think primary is too young for phones.

cafesandbookshops · 29/11/2021 07:12

The age limit for WhatsApp is now 16. It had been dropped to 13 but has now gone back to 16 I believe. You can report the things the boy has said to school but they will wonder why you have allowed her to have WhatsApp when it is age restricted.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 29/11/2021 07:30

Screenshot it all, remove your DD from the romance group at the very least, notify school of the behaviour including screenshots. Do not talk to the mother of the boy, you have no idea what goes on inside a home, school have training to deal with this sort of situation.

With a child in year 6 if you have given her a phone I would be checking it far more often now. You need to talk to her about alerting you to such behaviour on the chat in future. Clearly it made the girls feel uncomfortable and yet she didn't tell you about it, nor did she tell you a new group had been set up. You need to ask why. You won't necessarily get or like the answer.

She needs to be taught how to screenshot stuff too in case anyone deletes stuff which you can do on whatsapp. Obviously the age requirement for it is 16 however I am more comfortable with that than snapchat on any day. I would say secondary school is when I would have allowed it. Social Media in primary has disaster written all over it.

Solidaritea · 29/11/2021 08:00

Definitely inform the school. They can involve the boy's parents. Be prepared as well for a "this is why there are age limits" talk.

Well done to your dd if she told you - a very good sign.

Original poster
Largethighsbadeyes · 29/11/2021 08:04

She hadn't seen the messages they were unread as she very rarely uses watsapp. We have a group with the wider family which is why she has it.

The kids exchanged numbers during lockdown. It was a way to keep in touch.

I do regularly check her phone, hence how I found the messages.

The safeguarding issue is my worry

OP posts:
mnahmnah · 29/11/2021 08:07

Absolutely tell the school. I am a teacher and we would take this seriously.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 29/11/2021 08:08

Phone stuff is a shit show at this age. Monitor closely. They get secret insta accounts and so on. It can get very dark. And yes it is the "nice" kids too. Personally I think schools and parents need to work closely together to keep kids safe but a lot of schools will be like, not our problem. Poor kids, they are assaulted from every direction with highly sexualised and violent material.

Zoeyclash · 29/11/2021 08:09

Why would you involve the school? It has nothing to do with them. You mention 10 year-olds.... is your daughter 10? If she is, she is too young to be using WhatsApp. You should remove her from the group. This is exactly why there are age limits on social media platforms.

Skyll · 29/11/2021 08:10

She’s too young for WhatsApp. She doesn’t need it.

NavigatingAdolescence · 29/11/2021 08:14

@Ubiquery

She has been added to a watsapp group for her year group

Who did this and how did they get her number? I think primary is too young for phones.

I did as well, but lockdown for my only child daughter (then year 4) was really tough and WhatsApp was a way for the class to keep in touch. She’s always known I have full access to the messages and is very sensible about extracting herself from groups she doesn’t want to be part of. She’s barely in there now they’re back at school. She’s now in year 6 and walks the best part of a mile and a half home so needs a phone for emergencies.
Original poster
Largethighsbadeyes · 29/11/2021 08:19

Almost exactly matches our circumstances.

Only child, lonely during lockdown, phone was needed as walks part of the way home from school.

Yes legally she's too young for watsapp I accept that.

Seems to be quite a 50/50 split on inform the school/don't inform the school

OP posts:
cansu · 29/11/2021 08:20

You are in charge of your dd when she is not in school. You need to remove her from tha WhatsApp group. School can only advise parents to check what their children are doing. What they will undoubtedly wonder is why you have signed her up to a social media account when she is under age. School will take an interest due to safeguarding responsibilities but parents really need to step up here.

trumpisagit · 29/11/2021 08:37

I think you need to tell someone (teacher or the boys parents). It sounds worrying and that he needs some support.