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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get my son a drum kit for Christmas?

44 replies

IncompleteSenten · 28/11/2021 13:12

Just some background.
He's 21
He's severely autistic.
He is musically gifted and has perfect pitch.
He is highly intelligent but cannot / will not use it.
He is at heart a wonderful, wonderful young man but suffers so badly. He is on antipsychotics and diazapam.

Over the years, starting from when he was 5 he wanted and got piano lessons, clarinet lessons, saxophone lessons, drum lessons. As soon as he can play them he loses interest.
Additionally he has asked for and been given - keyboard, sound studio to make digital music, ukulele, classical guitar, electric guitar, electronic steel tongue drum, some weird thing that makes sound effects, recorder and little things like tambourine, maracas and so on.
He is very quick to learn to play them.
They are all currently in my room. He brought them in the other day. He no longer wants them. They are not interesting. He wants drums.
He has also pulled this shit with - Nintendo Wii, Xbox. PlayStation. Nintendo switch. 3ds. Some retro game thing. It's grey and uses cartridges. The list is endless.
I've got boxes of different games and consoles in my room because he has one of his moods and chucks them all out of his room. I cannot sell them/ give them away because he would absolutely melt down.

He's now banging on (sorry. Couldn't resist) about drums.

I already know that he will use them for a couple of months max then throw them out of his room and pester for something else.

But if I don't get them he will go on and on and on and on until I lose the plot.

If I get the drum kit he will then want the next thing and it all starts again.
If I don't get the drum kit he will continue to obsess about it.

Yabu - get the drum kit. then the next thing. Then the thing after that. And the thing after that

Yanbu - don't get the drum kit make this your hill to die on. Pay for a weekly booze subscription service or start making bathtub gin.

OP posts:
Doona · 28/11/2021 13:14

Why not just hire drums for a few months?

Namenic · 28/11/2021 13:15

2 issues - space to keep stuff and money that it costs. In terms of space- can you give him a limited storage space and if it can’t fit, then it goes? In terms of cost, can you look at 2nd hand items?

Littlefish · 28/11/2021 13:17

Do you live in a detached house with no near neighbours?

I second the idea of hiring a drum kit, if you can, rather than buying one.

Original poster
IncompleteSenten · 28/11/2021 13:19

Hiring would be great but he doesn't want to give them up. I tried to get him to sell the things he no longer plays

It did not end well for me.

Yes, I get second hand where possible.

I'm just so conflicted. The easiest thing is to simply get what he wants and accept this is the cycle. But I also get really frustrated sometimes, awful as it sounds

OP posts:
DeepaBeesKit · 28/11/2021 13:20

Realistically what will happen if he doesnt get them for christmas?

Would he be violent towards you? Or sulk etc? Or will he relatively quickly move on to a new obsession?

Can you borrow some, and accept that he won't like it when you return them when he's bored in a few months time

Original poster
IncompleteSenten · 28/11/2021 13:20

Semi detached, empty house next door currently.
It's electronic drums he wants thank god so if I did get them at least he could wear headphones or set low volume.

OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 28/11/2021 13:24

Ebay. Lots of second hand kits in good condition for reasonable prices, both acoustic and electronic.

I got an acoustic kit, really good, for learning to play, and it was £40. (Don't worry, I haven't alienated the neighbours, I use pads to muffle them.)

Original poster
IncompleteSenten · 28/11/2021 13:25

What he will do - trash his room, threaten us (we have locks on our bedroom doors for safety). Or hurt himself. Or withdraw completely and simply not engage.
He is very unpredictable so I can't say which of the things he does will happen, but it won't be good.

Thinking about it, I suppose I know, really, I have to get the drums. I just need to know I'm not awful for really being fed up of it. I know exactly what will happen.

OP posts:
BobbieT1999 · 28/11/2021 13:31

Flowers You sound like a lovely mum

soupmaker · 28/11/2021 13:31

You are absolutely not awful for being fed up. I have no experience of having a severely autistic adult child so can't offer any potential solutions. But I most certainly offer sympathy and solidarity. Having a house full of "stuff" that is not used gives me rage so can't begin to imagine how it makes you feel. Second hand electronic drum kit seems the best plan though.

Original poster
IncompleteSenten · 28/11/2021 13:36

Thank you all so much for the opinions and suggestions.
Nothing brings him joy. I have always hoped that the next thing (then the next then the next then the next then...) will finally be the thing that makes him happy. I'm starting to fear that thing simply doesn't exist.

OP posts:
Lonelycrab · 28/11/2021 13:39

I’d say get him the drum kit but I’m biased as I grew up playing them.

I would buy secondhand as you’ll lose less if/when he decides to chuck it in. Also there are lots of extras required with an e kit (mainly amp/headphones But also stool/pedal etc) and you’ll probably find people selling a complete bundle secondhand. I’d stick to Roland personally as these are the most common and durable. Also check the age of anything you’re buying as you don’t want ancient technology- Wikipedia (Roland v-drums) will tell you how long it’s been out. Good luck op.

CalamariGames · 28/11/2021 13:44

To be honest it comes down to if you can afford them, if so I would get them as it sounds like this is what he really wants and he enjoys learning to play the instruments. Also if it's an electronic kit noise wouldn't be a problem. You could always hire a storage facility to store his old instruments until he needs them. This is not very expensive to hire. If he gets a PiP allowance he could pay for that himself.

speakout · 28/11/2021 13:45

How about one of these- he can wear headphones and make as much noise as he likes without disturbing others

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B016KNIJHG/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o05_s00?psc=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8

londonmummy1966 · 28/11/2021 13:46

Can you sit him down and explain that you can't afford it unless you can sell some of his stuff to raise the money. Ask him to work out what can be sold and how much it will raise towards the drum kit? Would it help if he felt he had some agency over what went and what stayed?

speakout · 28/11/2021 13:46

I would also suggest a benefits check- he will be eligible for PIP and ESA.

CalamariGames · 28/11/2021 13:47

Also try not to think of it as being a waste if he doesn't stick to playing once he has learned the instruments. He gets enjoyment from the learning so it's not a waste to him.

Original poster
IncompleteSenten · 28/11/2021 14:06

Thanks again. Yes he gets pip enhanced rate care and mobility plus UC support group. He gets direct payments but they don't cover all his support hours and activities so it goes towards that too. I'm just not sure that musical instruments and games consoles would be considered by social services to be an acceptable use of money given to him to spend on his needs due to his disability in the same way his sensory equipment, his day activities, his support worker, etc are.

You're all so helpful with some great suggestions and views
It is just really good sometimes to just lay it out to strangers and get some different perspectives.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/11/2021 14:24

Can you afford £700 on a decent drum kit or will he accept a cheap one?

What happens when you physically can't store this stuff anymore?

Is there any way he could trade current musical instruments for drums at a shop - or that's the same as them being sold?

Flossieskeeper · 28/11/2021 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NutNutmum · 28/11/2021 14:38

My main consideration would be neighbours, how close are they.
My old neighbour who had only just moved in bought their daughter a drum kit for christmas and started banging the hell out of it at 7am christmas morning, in a row of terrace houses. If you have get drum pads and headphones,

Sufficient to say my DH went round after 1hr after it started on christmas morning put a stop to it, brainless inconsiderate idiots. They moved out 11 months later. Good riddance Grin

trumpisagit · 28/11/2021 14:42

How capable is he to buy and sell (online) things himself. It isn't unreasonable to say we need to sell some of this to make space and money, in order to get the drums.
How much would he understand this?

RandomMess · 28/11/2021 15:04

Even with an electric kit you can hear/feel the bass pedal thwack on the floor. My elderly neighbour said sh couldn't hear it but we did use the best underlay we could get for under the carpet.

Rinoachicken · 28/11/2021 15:14

Does he ever go back to things he no longer wants? If he doesn’t, could you sell them and just not tell him?

Of course if there’s a chance he would randomly want to play ukulele again one day then I wouldn’t do it.

ReginaaPhalange · 28/11/2021 15:21

@RandomMess

Can you afford £700 on a decent drum kit or will he accept a cheap one?

What happens when you physically can't store this stuff anymore?

Is there any way he could trade current musical instruments for drums at a shop - or that's the same as them being sold?

He's 21. He should be saving up any money he has and buying one himself. The OP shouldn't have to shell out for the next 'obsession'.