To not get my son a drum kit for Christmas?

[IncompleteSenten]

Just some background.
He's 21
He's severely autistic.
He is musically gifted and has perfect pitch.
He is highly intelligent but cannot / will not use it.
He is at heart a wonderful, wonderful young man but suffers so badly. He is on antipsychotics and diazapam.

Over the years, starting from when he was 5 he wanted and got piano lessons, clarinet lessons, saxophone lessons, drum lessons. As soon as he can play them he loses interest.
Additionally he has asked for and been given - keyboard, sound studio to make digital music, ukulele, classical guitar, electric guitar, electronic steel tongue drum, some weird thing that makes sound effects, recorder and little things like tambourine, maracas and so on.
He is very quick to learn to play them.
They are all currently in my room. He brought them in the other day. He no longer wants them. They are not interesting. He wants drums.
He has also pulled this shit with - Nintendo Wii, Xbox. PlayStation. Nintendo switch. 3ds. Some retro game thing. It's grey and uses cartridges. The list is endless.
I've got boxes of different games and consoles in my room because he has one of his moods and chucks them all out of his room. I cannot sell them/ give them away because he would absolutely melt down.

He's now banging on (sorry. Couldn't resist) about drums.

I already know that he will use them for a couple of months max then throw them out of his room and pester for something else.

But if I don't get them he will go on and on and on and on until I lose the plot.

If I get the drum kit he will then want the next thing and it all starts again.
If I don't get the drum kit he will continue to obsess about it.

Yabu - get the drum kit. then the next thing. Then the thing after that. And the thing after that

Yanbu - don't get the drum kit make this your hill to die on. Pay for a weekly booze subscription service or start making bathtub gin.

@CalamariGames

Also try not to think of it as being a waste if he doesn't stick to playing once he has learned the instruments. He gets enjoyment from the learning so it's not a waste to him.

I agree with this. I wouldn't consider it a waste if he will spend some time getting pleasure from these. I think you also need lots more conversations over a period of time about selling some of the other stuff and gradually do that. Hopefully that will also raise some funds.

Drumming is supposed to be really good for reducing stress and anxiety. I read that for young people with ASD the concentration and dexterity required can also help from a physical/ sensory point of view.
My DS has an acoustic kit at home and yes, it’s v loud, but you can muffle the bass by putting a pillow inside and use practice pads on the other drums and cymbals.
I would maybe start with a basic set of electronic pads and see how he goes. If space is an issue, you can get ones that are mats which roll up, like this www.amazon.co.uk/Electronic-Practice-Rechargeable-Headphone-Drumsticks/dp/B0861ZZ35N/ref=asc_df_B0861ZZ35N/?hvlocphy=1006598&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=463019655243&hvpone&hvlocint&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-1016229257500&hvrand=15951005840701001581

@Doona

Why not just hire drums for a few months?

That's part of the problem. Letting stuff leave.

Mine lines the drums. I refuse a proper kit but I get the pads. They don't last longer than 10 months even if they are in the 60 quid mark but they have a headphone socket.

I'd just refuse to have stuff in your room.

No matter what kind of fit he chucks over it. If he doesn't want it in his room then it needs to be got rid of.

It sounds as though he's so quick to pick up, he loves to learn and conquer and move straight on to the next thing to keep his mind occupied and stimulated. Almost like 'yep I can play that instrument, what's next?'. It is a wonderful gift, to be so able, but a nightmare for you, trying to quench his thirst for the next thing!

Unfortunately I don't think his thirst will ever be quenched - a good thing in a way, as it means he is enjoying his life, although it won't always feel like that to you! The times that stick in your mind are the times when he's moaning about what he can have next, as that is very draining and tiresome.

On balance, I would buy him the drums, provided that you live in a detached, rural house! Let him enjoy them, and have his period of happiness. Hopefully next time he'll want a smaller, quieter instrument.

DD is on antipsychotics and her drum kit has really helped her manage her moods. If she gets angry she plays. Similarly to your son, she's had violin, piano, clarinet, saxophone, percussion and drum lessons. Drumming is the one she's stuck to, so just maybe, your son will?

Just to add also, sometimes you've got to make life easier for yourself. If buying him the drums will give you a few days of peace (sort of) they'll be worth it!

I can’t say what to do on the drums. What strategies have been suggested regarding threats of violence to you? Does he understand money, how you earn/ get through benefits then save and spend?

I'm just not sure that musical instruments and games consoles would be considered by social services to be an acceptable use of money given to him to spend on his needs due to his disability in the same way his sensory equipment, his day activities, his support worker, etc are.

I'm not a social worker but from what I know about PiP they don't ask you to report what it's being spent on and I would think they would certainly consider a hobby and related equipment, lessons or even a storage area for his equipment to be therapeutic.

I would also be saying he can have them for Christmas IF he sells two other instruments he doesn't want. He is clearly intelligent so a logical discussion of space and money may make good sense to him?

You will have to break the cycle at some point. He knows he has a routine and he gets what he wants so it will continue escalating until you stop it. I do understand what you will have to go through so maybe tell him the drums is the last thing so you can have a nice Christmas and set expectations.

It’s a rite of passage. Half the kids I know have had a drum kit. If you’re sensible it’ll be second hand because 2 years later it’ll be back on eBay.

Fun whilst they last but neighbours, space and lack of mates in band often mean it’s a short lived interest.

Thank you again.
Mumsnetters are always fantastic in this sort of situation.i appreciate it.

I'm going to take a combination of your advice and get him the drums and try to discuss all this with him and the other suggestions too.

I no longer feel like a terrible selfish person so thank you.

Roland td-1dmk is a good quality starter kit, around 500 quid. I had a play on an Alesis £150 kit and it felt very toy like. Roland has mesh heads (like a real skin, not hard like the cheaper kits) and will hold its value well.

You could pay for sessions in a rehearsal room instead. He might be ready to move on to the next thing before you've spent the cost of a decent electronic set that way. He'd just need his own set of breakables, which would be far, far cheaper than a full kit.

Why are people suggesting £500 quid sets when. Op knows he won't stick to it. You can get electronic sets on Amazon for £40!

Would a practice pad or pad kit work for him? My son is a drummer and uses one of these. They take up less space than a full size kit and you can get them with headphones so that the neighbours are not disturbed. They are also much cheaper than a full kit so if he does get bored quickly you will have spent a lot less.

You said he'd had music lessons before - were there any issues?

I wondered if drumming lessons might work - you're not supposed to take the kit home, so nothing to give up. Or if you've tried that before, and it's not gone well going home empty-handed each time.

@IncompleteSenten

Thank you again. Mumsnetters are always fantastic in this sort of situation.i appreciate it.

I'm going to take a combination of your advice and get him the drums and try to discuss all this with him and the other suggestions too.

I no longer feel like a terrible selfish person so thank you.

PS your life sounds really hard. You're absolutely the opposite of terrible and selfish. Most people's patience would have run out many, many years ago. You're doing an amazing job of being his mum.

You’re definitely not selfish. I also have an autistic child and my house is awash with the Ghost of Obsessions Past but any attempt to declutter is met with severe pushback. I also know how you hope that the next thing will bring joy because you can see how hard an ASD young person’s life can be and how many things and experiences the disability means they can’t experience or enjoy. I am also very familiar with the peseverating about ‘the next thing’ and the strategies that work with NT young people to deal with this simply don’t with many ND ones or escalate the situation.