To feel sad that all my friends are having kids?

[Kiwiinparis]

I have a very tight knit group of 4 friends. Over the past year and a bit, one by one they became pregnant.

I am so excited for them to embark on the next step of their lives, and so happy to be “auntie” to four amazing little babies.

But. I’ve started to feel more and more sad with every pregnancy announcement. Very selfishly I know, I feel like I’m being left behind by those I love the most and they are all going to be in a different stage of life than me and our friendships will become less important to them in favour of other mum friends who they can share stories and go to advice for.

Has anyone experienced this before? How do you put your feelings aside to be 100% happy for your friends and be there to support them?

Bit of backstory, we are all in our late 20s. I am married and have a plan to start TTC in about two years. Seeing them all go through this journey makes me want to push this timeframe forward, which is just not viable as we have goals in place that we want to reach before bringing a kid into this world. I think it’s more the fear of missing out that’s bringing on these feelings…

Well if you're planning to have a baby in 2-3 years, stick around and be a supportive lovely friend when their babies arrive and then you'll maintain your friendship and your time will come soon enough. I thought from your thread title you meant you weren't married or planned to be childfree. Basically you're overthinking it.

@rattlemehearties thanks for the honest advice!

@rattlemehearties

Well if you're planning to have a baby in 2-3 years, stick around and be a supportive lovely friend when their babies arrive and then you'll maintain your friendship and your time will come soon enough. I thought from your thread title you meant you weren't married or planned to be childfree. Basically you're overthinking it.

This.

Please do this! I was in your position and you might find temporarily you do different things eg you might still go on nights out and they won't. You do kind of grieve a life you had but things change! However give it a few years and you will all be at similar stages.

Enjoy your uninterrupted sleep! And maybe find some non-pregnant /mum friends so you can have fun that only childfree people can have!

our friendships will become less important to them in favour of other mum friends who they can share stories and go to advice for.

Not necessarily!

You’ll be starting your family when they’re having their second. They’ll have lots of great advice and you’ll be very much in the thick of it alongside them.

I was one of the first of my friends to get married and have a baby. Same with my husband. We have quite a few child free friends and we still see them and speak to them as often as we do our friends with kids, if not more so! Obviously at times I've had other things going on so it's not linear but it's the same for them, sometimes they have more going on at work or with their parents/partner and I'm not their priority. This was the same before I had kids. Our friends who don't have kids are fantastic aunties and uncles to my DD and she adores them. I promise you don't have to lose the friends or fast forward your plans

I still see my two very good non parent friends more than my friend who is now a parent to a child born in the same month!

It really doesn’t matter a whole lot, aside from a mum friend eradicating the feeling of loneliness that’s pretty much it.

Thanks so much for all the great words of advice and support! In the grand scheme of things it seemed like such a silly thing to get upset about but your comments have made me feel 100% better

I’ve no children. My closest friend had two. We are still as close as ever and her children are my god children. She may have mum friends but it hasn’t affected our relationship. Yes trickier to make plans etc but we worked round it and her friendship was important to me. I love her kids and we have a great relationship.

I wouldn’t worry. It can absolutely work. You are planning children so will be able to get advice and tips in the future from their experiences.

It's completely natural feeling so don't beat yourself about it. Honestly just be a supportive friend during this time in their life and they will do the same for you when the time comes. It's true things do change but we do still make time to see each other whether that's with the kids or without them. Life does get busy but as long as you all put the effort in your friendship will be just fine. Just enjoying a weekend away with 12 adults (some without kids) & 5 kids and it's been wonderful

I was the first of my friends to have a baby. Similar dynamic to you with my group.

I had a traumatic pregnancy ending at 32 weeks and a 6 week nicu stay. I'd say your friends WILL still want your friendship and value it but I found I felt like a burden to my friends, I'd say just reach out and remember early parenthood can be a lonely and overwhelming time so don't take them not messaging as much as them no longer being interested. Let them know you are still there and want to be involved! It will come back around and I find I always remember those who were actively there for me in tje early days, regardless of if they already had kids.

All the best!

Agree with all of the above, but if you know you definitely want children one day, and you are in a position to start, biologically speaking now is the best time.

Many women can and do have children in their mid to late thirties. My youngest was born when I was 35. But lots also postpone trying only to find out getting pregnant/staying pregnant isn’t that easy.

Both my Sil and BF took years of IVF. Best friend always regrets waiting to try as she had to be two years into trying before being considered for IVF. In the end it took 9years for her.

I had this when both my best friends had babies when I was still 2-3 years off it and I felt the same way you did. I think it’s quite natural to feel that way; when I did then have DC I was the first of anothe group of friends to do that and I was very grateful for my two best friends having already had DC

Hi OP

I was in the same boat with the slight difference of having unexplained infertility. I was also really worried my friends would drop me for mum friends and we would drift apart. They didn't and I made a huge effort going to 1st birthday parties and meeting at soft plays etc so they could bring their children. Was never left out and I have a really good relationship with their children now.

Then I randomly became pregnant after about 7 years of ttc. My friends who are parents haven't been impacted but my friends who are not are still really really important to me and I don't feel we are at a different stage in life, even though I guess we are. I still talk to them mostly every day and go out and meet them. We have never been big drinkers or clubbers so we just meet for dinner like we always did but now I bring my son sometimes and we go earlier, the dynamic is pretty much the same.

I just wanted to show that from both sides, if the friendships are important, it will work out so don't worry.

If you have the spare time, energy and inclination, and especially if any of them don't have family nearby, you could join them on their learning curve about parenting, help them out eg by taking small babies for a walk so they can sleep or catch up on life, become a trusted babysitter and hopefully they can return some favours for you in a couple years time, then when your time does come around you'll be more prepared?

Why are you waiting for two more years? Bring it forward and have babies together, it is huge fun for both you and your friends and lots of ready made playmates. I would change your 'goals' personally if you can.

Your friendships will change and you sound prepared for that.

I think realistic expectations and give and take. I am
One of the only people in my group with kids (that has issues the other way round too)- my good friends are the ones that come to the park with the kids on occasion, come round for a coffee and play a game with my eldest- and i have arrange a dinner without kids, arrange a quick game of tennis and a coffee without kids.
I’ll be honest the friendships where people like to pretend my kids don’t exist have gone

Hey,
I totally understand the feeling, I got married 3 years ago and 5 out of my 6 bridesmaids and closest friends have babies within 2 years of me getting married whilst I battled unexplained infertility. Each pregnancy announcement big more triggering than the last, I managed to keep a brave face I remained actively involved in their lives and did my best at being a good friend.
It was tempting at times to ghost everyone because it was often overwhelming.
3 years on I am pregnant with naturally conceived twins and 4 of my same group of friends are also pregnant with baby number 2.
Looking back on it I'm glad I took the approach I did and I strongly believe Gods timing for me was just perfect.

I have two very close friends (separate friendships rather than a threesome) who both happened to have their first child around four years after I had my first. I'm still close to both and it is absolutely possible to stay good friends in this situation, but it does take a bit of compromising on both sides. You'll have to accept that your social activities may have to change in nature, and they'll have to make an effort to have at least some conversations that don't involve babies! It's worth it in the long run OP.

@FTMbg two of the children are my godchildren and I make a huge effort to see them multiple times a week, spend heaps of time with both mum and baby and help out where I can. I was even lucky enough to be present for one of their births this year

@concreterose31 I’m so sorry for the hardships you went through to get to where you are now! I don’t know how I would cope if I were in this position and battling infertility. So much respect for you!

@Fairylights25 we are waiting for a few reasons. we are saving for a house and need to be established before we start a family (our choice I know). My husband is not yet ready and wants to wait a little bit, and I want him to be 100% on board when we start our family

Sounds like your friendships are so genuine and close something like this won’t cause them to brake down. They may change but I value my child free friends just as highly as my friends with kids. If fact sometimes it’s easier because we are not working around double the amount of children’s schedules.