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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that all my friends are having kids?

57 replies

Kiwiinparis · 28/11/2021 06:09

I have a very tight knit group of 4 friends. Over the past year and a bit, one by one they became pregnant.

I am so excited for them to embark on the next step of their lives, and so happy to be “auntie” to four amazing little babies.

But. I’ve started to feel more and more sad with every pregnancy announcement. Very selfishly I know, I feel like I’m being left behind by those I love the most and they are all going to be in a different stage of life than me and our friendships will become less important to them in favour of other mum friends who they can share stories and go to advice for.

Has anyone experienced this before? How do you put your feelings aside to be 100% happy for your friends and be there to support them?

Bit of backstory, we are all in our late 20s. I am married and have a plan to start TTC in about two years. Seeing them all go through this journey makes me want to push this timeframe forward, which is just not viable as we have goals in place that we want to reach before bringing a kid into this world. I think it’s more the fear of missing out that’s bringing on these feelings…

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 28/11/2021 07:30

My closest friends children are now mid 20s - our friendship went through changes, but we're still close.
Other friendships waned - but probably would have done anyway; as we got older had less in common.

Fairylights25 · 28/11/2021 07:30

Are you sure your dh wants children op? I understand it is nice to have your own house, but I am wondering if you are not so worried about that but about your dh's wanting to 'wait' wait for what? You can save for a house and have a baby. In the early days they do not need a nursery even - my LO all slept next to me in a cot attached to the bed. I don't think it needs to be either/or - black and white but I understand you may want to wait until you have your own home and can decorate etc. Any chance of moving that forward? Or borrowing the deposit to pay back? Or choosing a first time buyer scheme? I say that as it might take time to conceive.

Starplek · 28/11/2021 07:31

I have a child now, but most of my friends had children sooner, and others are childfree and we are all still exceptionally close. I do go to other parents for advice specifically about parenting, but only as I don't think most people are overly interested in how many pooey nappies does a stomach bug make, or for tips on toilet training etc. We have all been flexible at times and although there's definitely less spontaneous wine fuelled last minute nights out now, we all make time for eachother and understand that friendships evolve.

MangoM · 28/11/2021 07:32

Don't base your own plans on what your friends have done. Even if you had them at the same time, there's no guarantee that you'd be doing everything together, and sometimes it's actually nice if you've got kids that are a few years apart, as the younger ones will learn from the older ones.

My son is 4 years younger than my best friend's daughter and he absolutely adores her. She's got plenty of patience for him as she's a little older. We could happily spend all day together. Similar with another work friend's kids, they're all much older but we maintained a good friendship throughout and the age difference doesn't matter at all.

I have another close local friend who had a son 8 weeks after us. We used to meet up regularly and were thrilled that our two boys were so close in age, but now we avoid spending too long together now as their son is very bitey and hits our son (and they don't seem to be all that bothered when he does) and I don't want to put my son through that anymore than necessary. He himself doesn't like going over to play either.

Just make sure you don't drift right now and you'll be fine.

pictish · 28/11/2021 07:35

@Fairylights25

Your friendships will change and you sound prepared for that.
I’m going to be honest.

Yes, they might. It’s true to say they will more than likely knit together over the shared experience of having a baby…which at this time you can’t be a part of.

They may arrange outings, meet-ups, coffee dates with each other that you are not included in. Even when you are, the talk will inevitably turn to baby stuff. They won’t be able to help themselves. They will each make new mum pals that they enjoy spending time with.

Bear in mind it’s not a reflection on you. Your time will come and the same will be true for you. X

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/11/2021 07:36

I was the other way round. I got pregnant and had a baby at 21 when all of my friends were clubbing and having fun. They all fell away fro. Me and I didn't see any of them again. All the other women who had babies were much der than me and we had nothing in common. It was very only. Hang on in there.

BigYellowHat · 28/11/2021 07:37

Honestly, don’t push your plan forward. They’ll be the ones envious of you in a few months when you’re luxuriating in bed on a Sunday and taking child free holidays! Enjoy it while it lasts.

Original poster
Kiwiinparis · 28/11/2021 07:39

@Fairylights25 yes I’m sure he wants them

OP posts:
UnsuitableHat · 28/11/2021 07:42

I think these feelings are natural and part of life changing. Your friends will still be your friends. Enjoy the auntie role and your childfree life while you have it.

Original poster
Kiwiinparis · 28/11/2021 07:44

In the country we live in housing is absolutely booming, so if we don’t get in soon we will never own a home. Hence why that’s our priority at the moment

OP posts:
Original poster
Kiwiinparis · 28/11/2021 07:46

@pictish yes that’s exactly what I’m worried about. Being left out and feeling like you can’t join in on their conversations.

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 28/11/2021 07:46

I thought you were going to say you were struggling with fertility issues or that you were single and not in a position to start a family. I agree with pp that you are overthinking this.

User135792468 · 28/11/2021 07:47

Be a great auntie to your friends babies. If you’re planning on ttc in a couple of years, they’ll still just have toddlers/ be having their second babies so the children will still all grow up together.

Make some other non mum friends who will be up for a night out. The only non mum friends who I distanced myself from were the ones who thought I’d want to leave my baby at a couple of months old to go out for drinks and didn’t understand why I said no. Whilst some mums are happy to do it, I wasn’t. My two closest friends with no babies would stop by after work for an hour or would meet on a Saturday afternoon and wouldn’t mind if I brought the baby along. Not maybe their first choice but their willingness to compromise and be there for me mean that I will forever treasure their friendship. My dc are toddlers now so I look forward to dinner and drinks!

One of my friends was so not into babies that I don’t think she held my eldest once. She’d turn up with chocolate, make me coffee and tell me how she never wanted those stretch marks on her boobs 😂. Not at all in a nasty way, we just lived in different worlds for a while.

Roisin78 · 28/11/2021 07:49

This happened to me, we waited for work/financial reasons. You'll be fine, by the time you have yours you'll get loads of secondhand stuff and they'll have already done the hard work for you (finding the best mother/toddler classes etc anything you want to know they'll have done a short time before). What can be hard is they'll all be on maternity leave together which you'll miss but I found with mine that a couple friends were on their 2nd/3rd while I had my first so I still got to share it with them. Stick to your plan, it was really hard at the time but we stuck to the plan and it paid off xx

Roisin78 · 28/11/2021 07:51

[quote Kiwiinparis]@pictish yes that’s exactly what I’m worried about. Being left out and feeling like you can’t join in on their conversations.[/quote]
You may feel a bit left out if you can't join in conversation but just think of it as research for when you have yours xx

lochmaree · 28/11/2021 07:51

i think it depends how you and they manage it but I have a childfree friend who I absolutely love to spend time with and chat to. our relationship has barley changed, but we don't talk about kids that much, I love the freedom to talk about non kid stuff with her. bshe has been supportive and lovely while I had my baby, she sent a couple of gifts and has been a great listening ear when needed. I think the relationships don't need to change beyond what you and they want them to.

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 28/11/2021 07:52

2 years is nothing, it will fly by.

Also, don't assume that they will start to prefer friends with children. I have made lots of new mum friends since having children, but I am still very close with some of my child free friends. I've known them much longer and I still enjoy spending time with them. You don't have a brain transplant when you have children! It's true that priorities shift, but I still really enjoy meeting up with my old friends. They politely sit through a few kiddie picture and smile and nod, and then we start chatting about old times and what we've both been up to. It's not as different as you might imagine.

The friends I have ditched are the ones who were unsupportive of me having children. I didn't ask for a fanfare or anything, but there were some friends who were quite shitty and sulky about the whole thing, and one of them even acted like my baby was some sort of frightening creature that she must not touch because she doesn't "do" babies. I fucked her off pretty quickly.

BendingSpoons · 28/11/2021 07:58

If they end up on maternity leave at the same time, that might make you feel left out. However when I had young children, meeting with others with young children could be a bit manic. One baby always needed changing, soothing etc.

The friendships that I treasured were those with flexibility. The friend willing to come round to mine in the early days for a chat, especially if they held the baby whilst I held a cup of tea! Then later on the friend I could meet for coffee without small children around.

IggyAce · 28/11/2021 07:59

If your planning ttc in the next few years you may find that your friends are having their 2nd children & you will have support and can share the experience.
Enjoy spending time with them and them & their children.
I’m still incredibly close to my best friend from college and she is aunt to my 2 dcs, she doesn’t have children (by choice). Yes our friendship changed a little but we are there for each other and I have nights out with her and me & dcs enjoy days out with her.

Chocoqueen · 28/11/2021 08:00

You sound like a lovely Aunty and friend so I'm sure it will all work out. Besides, being last has it's benefits.... second hand baby stuff! Seriously, we've saved so much money due to the generosity of my best friend and our next door neighbour both of whom have passed on various bits and pieces.

pictish · 28/11/2021 08:01

[quote Kiwiinparis]@pictish yes that’s exactly what I’m worried about. Being left out and feeling like you can’t join in on their conversations.[/quote]
Yes. I understand.
I’m being honest with you. That will happen. What I’m saying is that it’s no reflection on you. They are still your friends even when they are in a different set up to you. You will do the same when you have a baby.

Pawprintpaper · 28/11/2021 08:02

@Fairylights25

Are you sure your dh wants children op? I understand it is nice to have your own house, but I am wondering if you are not so worried about that but about your dh's wanting to 'wait' wait for what? You can save for a house and have a baby. In the early days they do not need a nursery even - my LO all slept next to me in a cot attached to the bed. I don't think it needs to be either/or - black and white but I understand you may want to wait until you have your own home and can decorate etc. Any chance of moving that forward? Or borrowing the deposit to pay back? Or choosing a first time buyer scheme? I say that as it might take time to conceive.
Not sure it is helpful to panic the OP into having a baby earlier than she and her husband are ready for, just because her friends are having children or because of the negligible effects of a couple of years in your 20s on fertility. My advice would be, if time is on your side now, do the things now which would be difficult/unaffordable with a child. Enjoy this time for what it is, enjoy being a cool auntie to your friends children. I had my first quite young and although we both agreed it was what we wanted then, there are things that I have now realistically put off doing until my 50s and they’re all adults and aren’t needing us financially.
RowanAlong · 28/11/2021 08:06

You’re still young and have sensible plans to be ready for babies. Hold firm and you’ll enjoy it all the more when the time comes! I’d take it as an opportunity to watch and learn from your friends having babies (there is a lot to learn!) and enjoy the freedom while you can!! Yes you’ll miss them a bit but you’ll join them again in a few years!

Saracen · 28/11/2021 08:09

It's tough right now, but if your plans to have children in a few years come together, you will reap the rewards. It's really very handy to have friends whose children are a few years older than yours.

I think you are right to accept that your friends' lives will revolve around their children. But it sounds as if you like children well enough and you're content to join in with them, so you aren't totally out in the cold because you do take an interest. You will be better prepared to parent your own children as a result of the experience you're getting with your friends' kids.

Hang in there!

Gliderx · 28/11/2021 08:09

If it goes to plan, you'll be having your first when they're having their second/thirds. So you'll still get to do the whole baby thing together, it's just that there will also be little toddlers hanging around as well.

One of my best friends had her second just after I had started mat leave with my first. It was great...we did lots of trips and hanging out together. The only thing that was maybe different was that we couldn't do some baby groups (church hall type things fine) because she also had the 2yo with her.