To be envious of people with successful careers

[woeismehoeismewhat]

In my 20s I was full drive and ambition, and thought the harder and smarter I worked the luckier I'd get.

I'm now in my mid-thirties having not really succeeded at all. And meet people who are the same age, or in some cases younger than me who are much more senior, and I feel incredibly envious of them. My own self worth comes into question and I just feel like shit.

I know success is subjective and I am so lucky to have my health, a home, and family and friends etc. but I'm very disappointed with this particular aspect of my life and at the moment it's eating me up a little.

I'm starting to feel like a failure even around friends who have much more successful careers than I do.

Does anyone else feel like this? Or AIBU?

What @Rangoon said is spot on. So many women don’t achieve their potential because of a few common habits. Hence why I recommend this book. Every female professional should read it early in their career, wish I had!

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Women-Rise-Habits-Holding/dp/1847942253/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?hvlocphy=1006598&hvnetw=g&keywords=how+women+rise&hvadid=498454595261&qid=1638104930&gclid=Cj0KCQiA7oyNBhDiARIsADtGRZYwMBj9HOCcBCZaqBhWyEZODgUlvWeX0UaWI1MrCxeYJnljQaAYN-gaApEtEALw_wcB&hydadcr=13723_1757484&hvdev=m&hvqmt=e&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=kwd-414873406210&adgrpid=118282339112&hvrand=12528805193864669468&sr=8-1

Babyboo
Thanks for the book recommendation.

Hey, thanks for the replies.

@Babybooboodedoo I've downloaded the book and planning to read tonight.

I think part of the reason for feeling like a failure is that in all the admin jobs I had in my industry in my 20s, all my peers and seniors where quite adamant that I was so much better than the job I was doing and that I will some how 'fly' when the right opportunity came up.

It took me a long time to move out of admin roles. I then moved organisations for the next grade up and there I've been stuck for about 6 years (well two of those years were Mat Leave) but I don't feel particularly good at my job in the way I definitely was previously. I also don't know how to move out of this line of work into something else.

I definitely relate to the low self esteem point, and need external approval that I'm doing a good job. Which is a bit pathetic I know.

I also think for me it can be related to my time of the month, a week before my period I'm so low and anxious that I feel like I can't do anything right. Obviously I don't reveal that at work, but it can feel tough to hide the fact that I just want the world to swallow me up. Or you know just a week in bed so I can hide from the world and emerge once I'm better.

I've started job hunting to get a sense of what's out there and see what skills I can transfer.

Thanks for your stories, I guess life doesn't alway pan out how you think it will and maybe my next job might just be the one I excel in and can learn most from.

I’m envious of people who had a calling or some sort of vocation eg those surgeons who say they knew at age 5 or whatever that they wanted to be one, ( can replace surgeon with anything), those that love their career.

I’m lucky, I have a job, it pays well but does not interest me, and yes I could retrain but 1) I’m late 40s 2) would have to take massive pay cut 3) still don’t know what I’d do!!

I couldn't care less about having a successful career. I'm in my thirties and now I'm noticing people younger than me being promoted, but it genuinely doesn't bother me.

I'm a hard worker and good at my role, but I don't like having too much responsibility. I much prefer being able to leave my work at the door.

Yes me, OP. I've got no career and it sucks. I'm still in the same job I got when I graduated 15 years ago. The exact same job, no promotions, no nothing. It's no wonder because I'm not the best I admit. Although I see others who also aren't the best progressing fine.

I applied for other jobs at first, at this point though I've lost all confidence and I know no one would ever hire me with such a crap resume. I saw a career counsellor for ideas and she agreed I was fucked basically (not really what I was hoping to hear tbh).

To progress might mean doing much more responsible, demanding and stressful jobs though. My job is great now but in other senior professional roles in the past I've wished to be doing something, almost anything else, if only I could afford it! Be careful what you wish for as the grass may not be greener.

Be careful what you wish for. I was in a high level professional job which paid very well. But I was bored, stressed, unappreciated, lonely and unfulfilled. Made my life a misery. Grass is always greener on the other side. Happiness is wanting what you have, not having what you want.

It’s not too late to get the career you want. No point in people to liking you to care less if you do care.
I would care too.
Think about what is holding you back, retrain in something you love, just go for it.
I love my job and I’ve managed to have a lovely family too. It doesn’t have to be one or the other, and you don’t have to be stuck in a job you don’t want

*People telling you to care less

I'm 43 - my ambition is to go down the career ladder, not up! and I'm in no way senior now!

Worked at the same place for 13 years. Teacher in a college - every time promotion opportunities come up my colleagues ask if I'm going for it. Not a bloody chance!

I love my job, love the classroom. I see the people at the level above me crushed by management. Seniority isn't everything!

I feel you OP! I've been stuck on the same entry level admin job for over a decade. I've applied for a lot of jobs and had a lot of interviews but not got anywhere. I've watched so many people come and go and move onto better paid jobs and now the people doing this are often a decade or so younger than me. It's so embarrassing. I just want to earn an average salary, is that about £30k now? I'm not bothered about being highflying, I just want to feel like I have a 'grown up' job!

Depends on what’s deemed successful . I’m no longer a high flyer when I was MH suffered and I left a job I loved. Now, 15 years since I left I work term wages cover all my outgoings and I’m glad there’s tax credits otherwise I’d be screwed. My MH is bad again but this time is due to anxiety and depression which may or may not be menopause related or last at work and death if my mother. The Dr couldn’t say for sure. But again I love this job, it’s hard at times but I feel differently this time with my MH challenges. I don’t know but I feel successful, I have a lovely job, I got a degree a few years ago . I’m doing ok

It seems like your sense of self worth is tied up with your idea of a successful career. I work part time as an admin assistant and I have friends who are earning over £100,000 a year. They are no more intelligent than me but a hell of a lot more ambitious. But I genuinely feel no envy. I've never been interested in having a career to be honest. Work for me is just to pay the bills (and I quite enjoy the social side of it). I evaluate my success in life as what sort of mother I am, are my children happy and thriving? Is my marriage good? Am I a good friend, daughter, sister etc. Am I helping those less fortunate than myself? Am I making the most of being on this planet, have I travelled enough? Experienced all that life has to offer? Am I a good person? Should I learn a language, a musical instrument? These are the things that are important to me. If having a highly paid career is what you want then I'm sure it's not too late to pursue it.

@millymolls I guess the grass is always greener. I have my "dream job" which is based on my passion. It's an unusual job and people go "oh wow, that's cool" when I tell them what I do. It is a nice job, creative and mostly enjoyable.
But even those types of jobs become "meh" and routine after a while.
After a decade, I'm bored and fed up with the below average salary.
I look at people who were more pragmatic about work, went into jobs that sounded unappealing (to me) but are well paid. They now have the nice big houses and comfortable lifestyles while we're still at the first rung of the ladder and won't be able to move up any time soon.
I'm now figuring out how to get out of my "vocation" and increase my earning potential. I don't really care about status or how my career looks on paper, I just want to have enough money for the lifestyle I want. That might sound materialistic to some but I've realised I'm more materialistic than I thought.

FWIW OP its quite normal for your career to plateau or go into reverse for a bit when you have children as its massively limits your ability to focus on the job. Even if you continue to work FT your attention and focus are distracted.

You're still pretty young and if you are ambitious and it definitely sounds as if you are you may find that the older your DC get the more time you have and the more energy you are able to put into your job.

My career plateaued for some time after my DD was borne (in my late 30s). I didn't stop work but I coasted for about 3-4 years which definitely suited me at the time. But now she's approaching the end of primary and much more self-sufficient I find I've got a lot of my work mojo back.

Don't beat yourself up about it its totally normal but if you are ambitious start setting yourself goals and trying to visualise where you'd like to be in five years.

Treesmuggler
What an awful careers counsellor. You were already feeling low about your situation and she basically shat all over it. When you have worked in the same role/organisation for years, you can become institutionalised believing you cannot function anywhere else.

I admire people who move jobs every two to three years, gaining a promotion each time. I did not do this and slowly moved up the ladder as a result.

I am a professor after a lot of years of hard work, but the job was getting horrible, so taking early retirement. A title and salary is not all that and a bag of potato chips.

It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
I’m successful in my chosen profession and have been for the last 10-15 years.
As a result:

• I’m the primary wage earner and can’t take my foot off the gas because we can’t afford for me not to work.
• I only took 4 months mat leave for my 1st child and 6 months for the 2nd because we couldn’t afford for me to be off any longer (am self-employed). With the second one I went back to work for 2 weeks when he was 6 weeks old and then took the rest of the time off. Had to express milk every lunchtime.
• I can’t take sick days because I don’t get paid (and I’m in the kind of job where if I don’t turn up it causes a whole load of problems - you can’t get someone to cover at no notice).
• the first person I called when my dad told me my mum was dying was my boss, to ask whether I should still go into work.
• I’ve missed first days at school, nativities, converts, etc
• I regularly work into the early hours and then do full days.
• my kids have had a childhood of nursery/nannies/afterschool clubs. My eldest is now a latch-key kid.
• we spend the weekends doing housework because there’s no time in the week to do anything.

If you want to push yourself in a career, it’s not too late, but do think about your work/life balance beside you head down that route.

@AFS1 that sounds really difficult but not all careers are like that, I'm in the public sector and much of what you've written doesn't resonate with me.

I think there are very different ideas about ‘ambition’. Some people’s ambition is money related and their goal is simply to earn their idea of a good salary. Some people’s ambition is related to others - they want to be a doctor like their parents want them to be or to have an impressive job title or status. You mention a ‘career’ so I’m associating that with formal qualifications or training for a certain job where you’d rise through the ranks, eg dentist / vet / accountant / teacher / police officer.

But, as some others have said, there are other things which can bring job satisfaction, such as a creative job, helping a cause you care about or being your own boss, or flexible working or a lack of stress.

You have to find out what it is that you are craving. Is it more money, to use your existing skills, to have career progression or to have more status? Or is it something else entirely? You’re able to change the direction of your career, but only if you work out where you want it to be going,

Great discussion. YANBU, OP. It is totally reasonable to feel disappointed when you've "leaned in" and given it your all, but it hasn't paid off. Not yet, anyway. I had this too, when I'd busted my guts yet the boss's favourite men kept being promoted over me .. and I was expected to train them in the role ... then keep working unofficially in the role while the anointed one took long lunches or went home for a nap. True.

I don't know what industry you're in, but is there a clear career path that you'd like to take? Can you see the role you want next? Or are you thinking "I've done this long enough and now I want to see what else I might be good at"?

If you're bored and disgruntled, that means it's time to take action. Can you do another qual after hours? Have a look at Coursera, which has heaps of courses you can do for a monthly subscription. I did web dev this way. You can try things you'd never thought of, with little risk.

@Yarboosucks Love your story! You deserve your fabulous new role.