To be envious of people with successful careers

[woeismehoeismewhat]

In my 20s I was full drive and ambition, and thought the harder and smarter I worked the luckier I'd get.

I'm now in my mid-thirties having not really succeeded at all. And meet people who are the same age, or in some cases younger than me who are much more senior, and I feel incredibly envious of them. My own self worth comes into question and I just feel like shit.

I know success is subjective and I am so lucky to have my health, a home, and family and friends etc. but I'm very disappointed with this particular aspect of my life and at the moment it's eating me up a little.

I'm starting to feel like a failure even around friends who have much more successful careers than I do.

Does anyone else feel like this? Or AIBU?

I would be the ideal to many. Okish money (not brilliant but well above average) & part-time. I can't switch off though. I love my job I really do, but sometimes it would be nice to switch off.

I would earn less money I guess, but it is really really tempting.

I changed career in my 30s to something completely different. I got a promotion within 18 months and doing well, great company and colleagues. I’m junior, a middle earner, but happy.

Sure - most of my siblings and friends from uni out earn me, but it doesn’t bother me. I’m glad I had the opportunity to career switch - and who knows, my combination of skills might open doors in the future.

Yanbu but it really isn't too late. It is so tough applying for jobs and getting nowhere but keep going. I was in your position in my late 20's I must have applied for hundreds and hundreds of jobs over the years, rarely getting a response. Then one day I got a call from a huge Firm I had dreamed of working at when I was a child they said I had applied for a job a year ago and they were recruiting the same position for an additional team member and was I still looking. I was interviewed over the next few weeks and got the job. Things change when you least expect it. Keep plugging on.

OP YABVVU to think you are a failure. I think it is sad that parents/school/society condition us in this way. A career is not a measure of sucess. It is just the tiny middle bit of life - the before and afterwards are just as important. Love and happiness come much higher up the list IMHO

I'll tell you what makes me smile and puts joy in my life - blue sky, sunshine, birds feeding on the lard balls I put out, my kids, my DH. Not my career.
Don't let anyone put you down or make you feel bad for not having letters after your name. It really doesn't matter.
For those who do put career top of the list for measuring success - that's great too. We are all different and all have different dreams and ambitions, but it doesn't make them more successful than you.
Go easy on yourself.

Life is more than a career and a huge salary. I was a SAHM, it was hard and we were skint. I got a job and then another and another. After almost 14 years in my current job I am sick of shift work, missing my family, my grandchildren, my friends and working nights, weekends, bank holidays and Christmases and am going part time elsewhere. I am at an age now where quality time is more important than an important job title and a huge salary. Money will be tight, although not as much as when I was at home with the children. My sister has no children and an amazing career and salary. Would I swap with her? Not a chance!

@Diversion
You don’t sound very nice to your sister.
No one needs to either have a shit shift job they hate or a high flying career. You can find a middle ground.

OP, what do you consider to be success in your career?

The idea that if you just work really hard and do good work it will lead to career success is a load of rubbish which is believed by far too many women. You have to be a bit more strategic. Try to get more high profile work and get your name known. Don't be so ground down with getting the load of day to day work that has no doubt been put in your capable hands to not think about volunteering for a special project or secondment or whatever. Make sure your name is on your work so you get credit. Speak up in meetings etc.

@Thursdaymiami wtaf? All she said was that she wouldn't swap places with her.

And yes, there is a middle ground between a seemingly low level job and a super high flying one, but that poster's sister has not chosen a middle ground. So your comment was unnecessarily combative tbh. Calling her job shit shift work was a nasty touch too. What is wrong with you?

I feel the exact same, and I'm retraining now and just started a new job in a new industry in my early 30s, my manager is 5 years younger than me and his manager, the managing direction is 1 year older than me.
However, none of the people I know that are 'successful' have families, or are mostly male. I don't know any successful women with young families, any I do know have grown up kids. Sad really.

Do you enjoy your job OP? I think that's the most important thing. I'm ambitious and have gotten quite far but never at the cost of striving for a job that doesn't fulfils me, ultimately, I want to be happy (but admittedly for me a high salary and high responsibility is what motivates me). Rather than striving for "success" think about what motivates you, what you enjoy, and aim for that. For some people that will be shop floor work, for others it's CEO, it depends what you actually enjoy doing, but it's much easier to progress when it's something you naturally enjoy.

Life is more than a career and a huge salary

Life is also too short to be in a job that doesn't fulfil you, if you have to work, most people do, I think it should be something you love doing, whatever grade that is at. Life is too short to live for the weekends.

I'm mid forties. I would say my career path has been full of zig zags!
Twenties - admin roles, caring responsibility, bereavement
Thirties - project coordinator roles, maternity leave, project team lead
Forties - manager, then director after completing two qualifications

Things have really only accelerated from forty onwards to be honest. Combination of DC getting settled in school (single parent), fortunate timing (returned from mat leave just as company expanding) and getting a bit bored (so deciding to do some study).

I'm now on the point of getting bored again, so starting to think about dropping my hours a little and getting some regular volunteering going.

It's never too late to change something - but choose something you really want, because change takes energy so you might as well enjoy it

Ah, I emphasise OP @woeismehoeismewhat

It often comes down to what kind of foundation you have. Mine is a crappy low self esteem one!

Had a pretty good career which I was desperate to hold on to despite ill health and small child. I sacrificed a babyhood and possibly chance of a second child for salary and prestige and still never felt good enough.

Then it all fell away and so did my life as it unravelled.

Now trying to put it back together but with stronger foundations and still working out if it's worth it. It's so easy to use work as scaffolding for an unhappy internal life. (Assuming you have food and shelter covered) If you truly like yourself, do you need the external validation of a career? Or notice all the bullshit perfection standards for women especially? (Mother, attractive, career, home, relationships, success)

You're only mid 30's, so if you want to do more in your career you have loads of time to get on and do something about it. I'm 49 and until fairly recently I had a good job but not the emotional bandwidth to push my career onto another level. Now I'm half way through an MBA and interviewing for an exec level job after deciding to really push on with things

I get a bit like this. I had to drop out of OU in my 40's as I couldn't juggle work, dcs, my health and studying. I'm trying to resign myself to sticking at admin level until I retire at 70.

How are you defining 'success', OP?

You said it's subjective and I agree - and I wonder what it means for you?

Is it about seniority / title and responsibility?
Is it about the impact you make on people's lives?
Is it about salary?
Is it about the time you have for the things you enjoy?

I don't have a 'high flying' job and I don't earn tonnes, but I'm well-known in my (reasonably niche) industry. I work 4 days a week, very flexibly, and I know there are a lot of people out there whose lives have changed for the better because of my projects.

My family don't really get it, because I'm not on the corporate ladder and so they're not sure how to measure what I'm doing - but I feel largely like my career has been a 'success'.

Now I'm looking to boost my own sense of success a bit more and I think the next step is about creating some kind of legacy - something that will exist and last whether I'm around or not. Might be a book, might be a project that I hand over to other people to run without me...

What I'm pointing to is that once I separated my own definition of success from other people's I found it's more about impact than anything else, and that's helped me feel more focused and confident and proud of what I'm doing.

What does 'success' mean for you?

I think a helpful way to look at it is as if your life is a pie and you have slices for different things... friends, family, physical health, mental wellness, wealth, job satisfaction, love life etc.
Your slice of pie is smaller or bigger depending on how satisfied well you are doing.
So your health slice might be 10/10 for example.

virtually no one is maxing out on all of these measures and ultimately your job/income may be a smaller slice but it means you have more time to invest in friends or family or in your own physical health (bigger slices and higher overall satisfaction)

I look at my life this way and it's been really helpful. I value my health massively because of it whereas previously I very much took it for granted/ as a given.
It also helps my focus on things I can effect like "family".
I actively made choices and put energy into my relationships and we can now have harmonious times together which I get a lot of enjoyment from.

I hate my career - been an administrator since I left school and I cannot do it for another 30 odd years. I am applying to study veterinary nursing in September

Nodogz
You have made a valid point. My self-esteem has always been low. As a child I was shy, as a teen I was bullied and received appalling GCSEs, could not get onto A Levels or desired degree course. I managed to scrape an undergraduate degree which has proved pointless. I am in a management role but specific expertise or a degree is not required.

I have always focused on working to the best of my ability. However my best is 50-60% whereas the successful in society achieve 80-100%. I am not naturally academic or wired to achieve top results in anything I do.

I need to accept it is unlikely I will ever be a senior manager/consultant/business owner. It is a baton I find hard (almost painful) to put down as I am desperate to prove to myself that I made it, that I am somebody.

In reality, I feel like a nobody and naively believe a job of high status will place me on equal grounding with those I admire.

At times I have. But in truth only when the rest of my life wasn't particularly fulfilling. I'm now very happy socially and in my relationship and family situation and doing all the things that entails has pushed my job to the periphery of my priorities.

It’s not too late for you. A lot of my colleagues retrained in their 40’s and now have highly successful professional careers.

I do find it sad that so many women don’t reach their potential in the workplace. It’s difficult to live with the ‘what if’s but honestly at your age you still have time.

My experience is that careers ebb and flow. I have worked hard, achieved success, been promoted and enjoyed the rewards of that. Then I had to shift countries, back here to the UK. Because the organisations that I worked for where not well understood here, the extent of my achievements were not really understood. I decided to take a step down and learn a new industry. After 6 relatively successful years, I was made redundant.... That hurt. That was at the start of Covid. I managed to get another job with an organisation that I really admired and even took a salary cut. It was awful. I had an awful workload, with no support and global responsibilities reporting to a bitter bully After 8 months I sadly took the decision to leave. I thought my career was wrecked. But then I got a call from a headhunter about a job.... I went through a rigorous selection process and I got it. My salary lept up more than double. So keep the faith! Miracles can happen

I expect you have certain habits which you need to address, so you can progress.

This book is excellent and could help you...

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Women-Rise-Habits-Holding/dp/1847942253/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?hvlocphy=1006598&hvnetw=g&keywords=how+women+rise&hvadid=498454595261&qid=1638104930&gclid=Cj0KCQiA7oyNBhDiARIsADtGRZYwMBj9HOCcBCZaqBhWyEZODgUlvWeX0UaWI1MrCxeYJnljQaAYN-gaApEtEALw_wcB&hydadcr=13723_1757484&hvdev=m&hvqmt=e&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=kwd-414873406210&adgrpid=118282339112&hvrand=12528805193864669468&sr=8-1

I felt exactly like you OP in my mid 30s decided i had missed the oppirtunity, my face didn't fit etc. Then at 43, partly through luck, an unexpected opportunity came along, and partly due to the hard graft of the previous years i got the opportunity to move up to management.
It can still happen, don't despair now, you are still young. There will always be people doing better and worse than you. Comparison really is the thief of joy.