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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to find my mum's behaviour creepy?

51 replies

PAR1982 · 27/11/2021 21:33

I don't have the best relationship with my mum who lives abroad. We have a 20 month old lockdown girl, who she finally met in August and a 3 week old girl. Today gifts arrived, so I called to thank her. She showed me this doll that looks like my eldest. She says she's been making clothes for it, used my daughters' shampoo on her, has cut its hair twice, and called it after my eldest. Given we see each other at best once a year, I'm finding this really creepy. AIBU?

AIBU to find my mum's behaviour creepy?
OP posts:
Cindie943811A · 27/11/2021 22:23

There are thousands out there who buy reborn baby dolls and equip nurseries for them etc . You can see some on YouTube. They don’t appear to be any crazier than the rest of us though maybe just a wee bit more eccentric sometimes.
Is your DM telling you how much she misses you and your daughters, and maybe she is nostalgic for the time when you were a baby and more compliant — that is before you had a mind of your own and you fell out with her.
At least she cares about your DC and that’s to their benefit

Jibberjabberhutt · 27/11/2021 22:23

Sonia was being facetious about OP’s mum ‘adopting’ the new doll as a baby daughter figure.

If this is a real thread, it’s horrendously sad.

ThePurpleOctopus · 27/11/2021 22:24

I agree there are probably a lot of things going on here, and we should think about support the Op's DM might need, but in the Op's defence she didn't call her mum creepy. She called her behaviour creepy.

It might feel nuanced, but it's a significant difference.

TellySavalashairbrush · 27/11/2021 22:25

Poor lady. She is using the doll to compensate for not seeing much of her grandchildren. Not creepy , just sad Sad

katem1990 · 27/11/2021 22:26

@hangrylady

You sound horrible. I'd be worried about my mum, not calling her creepy on an internet forum.
Yep. Sorry to be blunt but agreed - this sums it up.

The poor woman is probably just desperately missing her family and is using this as a coping mechanism. It's very sad. Calling her 'creepy' over it is just callous.

MyLovelyHoarse · 27/11/2021 22:30

@SoniaFouler

Is it really harming you? you should learn to be nice about your new sister.
I genuinely don't understand this.
LindaLooky · 27/11/2021 22:36

It does sound quite sad OP, like she desperately wants to cuddle her granddaughter.

But you know her best and I dont judge you for describing this as creepy.

fabricfanatic · 27/11/2021 22:41

Maybe OP didn't mean "creepy" to sound as offensive as some people think it does. I mean, if I'm honest, I'd think it was very strange, too, whether or not I described it as "creepy". It would probably give me the creeps to imagine her doing that, because it would make me worry that there might be something wrong with her. It would be very far out of her usual behaviour.

Having the doll and treating it as a surrogate grandchild is one thing, but telling OP about it... Why?

Thedogscollar · 27/11/2021 22:42

When your Mum isn't here I hope you reflect on your thoughts of her and that you posted them on here.
I find this very very sad to read and some of the nasty responses quite tragic.
Would we like our children to be talking about us like this.Sad

AlmostThereMaybe · 27/11/2021 22:50

I’m not sure the OP should be called out for using the word “creepy”. I think I would be concerned that the behaviour is unusual and a sign of something wrong, like loneliness or a health issue.

fuckyourpronouns · 27/11/2021 22:53

@Thedogscollar

When your Mum isn't here I hope you reflect on your thoughts of her and that you posted them on here. I find this very very sad to read and some of the nasty responses quite tragic. Would we like our children to be talking about us like this.Sad
This^
RozHuntleysStump · 27/11/2021 23:10

@SoniaFouler

Is it really harming you? you should learn to be nice about your new sister.
😂
redfairy · 27/11/2021 23:27

I think that's very sad for your mum. My first grandchild was born just before lockdown and my heart ached for all the time I couldn't see her. People cope in different ways and it's not uncommon for women to use dolls for comfort

Sometimeswinning · 27/11/2021 23:29

To say its sad is so patronising! I like Quirky. Plus I wouldn't be calling my mum creepy and hoping a load of strangers agree. I think that's a little off.

eeek88 · 28/11/2021 00:27

It’s sad rather than creepy. She obviously misses her dreadfully.

RAFHercules · 28/11/2021 00:32

Is there a reason you see so little of your Mum? What was she like as a mum when you were growing up?

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 28/11/2021 00:40

@eeek88

It’s sad rather than creepy. She obviously misses her dreadfully.
This.

Shame on you, OP.

phishy · 28/11/2021 00:49

Reading between the lines, I’m guessing OP’s mum has been horrible to OP and OP sees this new behaviour as an escalation.

There is no reason for OP’s mum to tell OP all the details of what she does to the doll except to guilt or disturb OP.

Anycrispsleft · 28/11/2021 06:55

@phishy that's what I thought too. I bet there is quite a lot of back story in that "mum lives abroad, don't have a good relationship." And the OP is trying to get a read on whether her experience of her mother is colouring her judgement on whether this is an escalation of the behaviour. But IMO there's nothing wrong with letting your past experience colour your judgement. You might be interested in the Stately Homes thread on the relationships board OP, you might find people on there with very similar experiences.

Original poster
PAR1982 · 28/11/2021 07:58

@phishy and @Anycrispsleft there is a lot of back story. I've tried not to hold on to the mean things my mum has said/done to me (which is difficult as we tend to end up in arguments where she repeatedly goes back to events that happened 26 years ago, so even if I'm willing to forgive and forget, it's hard). I've accepted that our relationship is disfunctional. I suggested we go to family therapy and offered to pay, but my mum was not open to that.

Despite that, I want her to have a relationship with her grandchildren, so I made a huge effort with my first to video call at least once a week and send videos and photos. In August you could see she was clearly excited to see her but there were instances of strange behaviour eg she hid toys from her and didn't want us to bring "gifts" she had given her, back with us to the UK.

I found it strange that she's purposefully gone out to look for a doll that she thinks looks like her granddaughter. If it brings her comfort, that's great, I just found it odd that she has named the doll after my daughter and has cut her hair to look more like her. She didn't say she had bought it for my daughter. I'll look into the surrogate doll phenomenon to try to understand this as this is something I have not come across before.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
sunnyandshare · 28/11/2021 08:12

I don't think this is creepy although the very young baby having long hair creeps me out she obviously just misses her. On a reborn program there was a woman who's dgs moved to Australia, she had raised him as her daughter was a single mother and working and she was absolutely devastated. She got a reborn made to look like him as a baby, named it with his name and even got a heartbeat put in it. Her family all thought she was bonkers but she said it was just a coping mechanism.

lunarlandscape · 28/11/2021 08:17

@iheartredsquirrels

give it time before someone mentions the D word, as anyone who acts out of character might have D.
Because they could. Any harm in considering it? Or should we let elderly relatives sink deep into it before we admit the behavioural change, by which time there's little medication can do? We caught my mum's dementia early and as a result of medication it hasn't deteriorated in ten years and she lives a happy life.
5zeds · 28/11/2021 08:18

I think it’s usual and the hiding toys more so. She is showing you though so less creepy and more signalling I think.

Original poster
PAR1982 · 28/11/2021 08:28

@lunarlandscape my mum is really young (61) and although her memory may be selective, seems fine. Having said that, no harm in looking into it. So I'll explore that avenue too. Thanks!

OP posts:
HalfwomanHalfcookie · 28/11/2021 09:40

@sunnyandshare

I don't think this is creepy although the very young baby having long hair creeps me out she obviously just misses her. On a reborn program there was a woman who's dgs moved to Australia, she had raised him as her daughter was a single mother and working and she was absolutely devastated. She got a reborn made to look like him as a baby, named it with his name and even got a heartbeat put in it. Her family all thought she was bonkers but she said it was just a coping mechanism.
Reading this thread has reminded me of that programme sunny It was heartbreaking to watch. I remember her husbands reaction when she first showed him the doll, and although I agreed with him my heart sank for her.