AIBU to wonder why you would hide your child from your wife's family?!

[HeirOfSlytherin]

This is honestly one of the most baffling things I've ever heard. I was quite incredulous when I found out
Just over a year ago my son (who is now 19) told me that his father's then girlfriend (now wife) family did not know he existed. Questioning further, he explained that his father had told him that he has never told her family about him. For 12 years!!!!
12 years they have been together... 12!!! Today she gave birth to their first child together. A sibling for my son.
How on earth are they going to explain my son away when his sibling starts to talk about him to her family?
I am still in disbelief. My son just took it in his stride. Has anyone else heard of someone hiding a stepchild from their family?
The only thing I can say in their defense is that she was 17 and my ex 26 (and my son 7) at the time they got together. But still....

[quote KylieKoKo]@shampooing they've met them a few times. There's no animosity or bad feeling and they get on fine but they don't have a relationship that's in any way compatible to dsds relationship with their own aunties, uncles and grandparents.

I don't think dsds would care if they never saw them again.[/quote]
That's not the thing that bothered my girls. They didn't care about a relationship with their step-mother's family.

However, it was deeply hurtful to them that their father was denying their relationship to his new in laws.

Pretending that your child doesn't exist is always going to hurt your child. Even if they don't realise it at the time while they're trying to still protect their relationship with the rude parent, it will hurt eventually.

I've reported the spambot.

Just a thought.. You don't know what sort of relationship the new wife has with her own family. Is there a reason why she hasn't told them and your ex hasn't argued? Do they live nearby and see each other often? There might be something about her avoiding confrontation, perhaps abuse in the family..It is an unusual situation.. Presumably your ex has a regular contact with his son so he must think it is somehow justified

It’s creepy that a man in his mid 20s dated a girl in her mid teens. Yes, girl, not woman. He was older than me when he chased after this girl who’s brain hadn’t fully formed yet! I’m not sure why you’re so relaxed about this??

My dad and his third wife hid my existence from the 3 children they had together. Made me feel like a dirty secret. They were only told because my sister made contact with our dad after years of separation. I've still never met them.

I think because I want my son to have a good relationship with his sibling

That might not be a problem - I mean your son is 19 years older than the new child, they are hardly going to be like regular siblings. Your son will probably be more like an uncle, just seeing this child on occasion.

It might not bother any of them as much as you think. If the step mum isn't close to her family, it might not be an issue. Presumably your son is close to his dad - maybe everything will be OK.

Similar situation here, ExDH left 27 years ago at aged 28 and within a couple of days was engaged to a 19 year old, at the time he was working/teaching at a prestigious armed forces college and she was stationed there/training there (never did get clarification in that!).
We had 3 very young kids and he'd had a vasectomy . The kids and I rarely saw him during the 1st year and not at all in the last 26 years.
He married again within 2 years and I don't think her family who were from hundreds of miles away actually know about the boys. This was all in the days pre social media and mobile phones.
I have looked him up on FB and they have recently moved back to my home town but I haven't lived there for 35 years, my old friends have mainly moved away so I would be surprised if he ran into anyone who would remember that we had been married and obviously he has been remarried for 25 years.
I do wonder how he reconciles it all in his head though, you know, when you are awake at 3am. He must have looked the boys up on social media and now there are grandchildren.
I have to admit that during the hard years of being alone with them, I often fantasised about bumping into him and her when her family were visiting (popular seaside town) and introducing myself as the mother of his children, just to see if they knew.
However, now that I am remarried myself, and they are grown up, married and settled, it would have the potential to reinitiate contact which I don't want, I had all the hard years, why should he get to share the good?
I think this situation was probably a lot more common before social media and Ancestry.com!

If your son, who is now a young man, seems fine with it, I'd leave your ex to sort out his own mess here.

How awful that your son is being kept a secret. He deserves far better than that.

@DriftingBlue

I can certainly understand why he hid his son. He was already in an inappropriate, possibly predatory relationship with a 17 year old girl. Her parents would have already been furious. Add a child to the mix and they likely would have found a way to intervene to protect their daughter.

This! And I wonder if he lied about his own age to make it seem not so bad.

I'm friends with two sisters whose father remarried. His second wife knew but he never told his daughters from his second marriage and they are probably still wondering who those girls were who used to visit in the holidays were and why they don't come any more.....

an utter disgrace of a father.

Hasn’t he seen his son since he was 7 then?

It sounds as though keeping a distance from the gf initial ly meant a good focus on the son. The trouble is I can't imagine, becoming a mother, she's going to understand how on earth he was willing to keep it a secret for so long. She's a parent now. Its going to make her re-evaluate the relationship and it sounds like she'll be more motivated to exclude your son, the way they used to. I hate to say it but it might get dressed up as your fault, as though you kept it from him for a bit or such.

BoredZelda no the son sees his dad and dad’s wife but her family don’t know. So I assume no pics of son at their home and deliberately never mentioned him eg we went to park with James at weekend or yes I can go shopping, DH is going to the football with James. It’s a massive lie to have kept.
I suspect he lied about his age. He’ll be being congratulated on being a father for first time today.