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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder why you would hide your child from your wife's family?!

66 replies

HeirOfSlytherin · 27/11/2021 18:33

This is honestly one of the most baffling things I've ever heard. I was quite incredulous when I found out
Just over a year ago my son (who is now 19) told me that his father's then girlfriend (now wife) family did not know he existed. Questioning further, he explained that his father had told him that he has never told her family about him. For 12 years!!!!
12 years they have been together... 12!!! Today she gave birth to their first child together. A sibling for my son.
How on earth are they going to explain my son away when his sibling starts to talk about him to her family?
I am still in disbelief. My son just took it in his stride. Has anyone else heard of someone hiding a stepchild from their family?
The only thing I can say in their defense is that she was 17 and my ex 26 (and my son 7) at the time they got together. But still.... Confused

OP posts:
Mamette · 27/11/2021 19:52

Yes I was going to post that he probably lied about his age, as @Mumoftwoinprimary suggested.

Whatever age he said he was wouldn’t have tallied with a 7yo son.

Original poster
HeirOfSlytherin · 27/11/2021 20:08

I left him. He met her in a bar he was doing extra work in at the time, so again, to be fair to him, he wouldn't have assumed she was 17 (and she was close to 18). But the age gap was still pretty big I guess for their ages.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeirOfSlytherin · 27/11/2021 20:10

If he did lie about his age, he wouldn't have been able to lie much, as he looked his age for sure.

OP posts:
thenewduchessofhastings · 27/11/2021 20:16

My daughters friend was a abandoned by her mother at a few months old:she was a 18 year A-level student who decided she wasn't going to have an abortion.Anyway it turns out that a baby cramped her life;you can't sleep through the night,have long lay ins,go out clubbing every weekend,suit yourself etc when you have a baby.

She handed custody to her parents,went to university,moved halfway across the country afterwards with her university boyfriend,got married,had 2 kids etc and the pair of them haven't told his family,their friends etc about the DD she has.

She's told everyone her DD is her younger sister/mums change of life baby.

funinthesun19 · 27/11/2021 20:25

I can’t believe he thought he was dating material for a 17 year old. Especially with him having a child. Yuck.

Autumndays123 · 27/11/2021 20:47

I can't believe the OP seems to be justifying her ex's predatory nature

Original poster
HeirOfSlytherin · 27/11/2021 20:50

Well, I guess I can only say he has only ever had 2 partners, myself who he was with for almost 9 years before I left him, and then he met his now wife and has been with her 12 years. He has never cheated, or done anything that would make me concerned about him. I can only go off what I know about him. Obviously this came as a surprise, but I suspect his wife to be the driving force in the plan to erase existence of my DS. He is just stupid to go along with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeirOfSlytherin · 27/11/2021 20:53

What I'm saying is, he certainly doesn't give me the impression he is predatory. He hasn't moved from woman to woman in his efforts to find someone younger. He just happened to meet this person in an adult environment and they have been together ever since.

OP posts:
Autumndays123 · 27/11/2021 20:54

And the two partners he's had consist of one child barely of the legal age of consent and another young person who isn't old enough to drink. I think his taste for young women is more of an issue tbh

Original poster
HeirOfSlytherin · 27/11/2021 20:57

What? He was 18 and me 16! I did the chasing too! I went up to him in his workplace and asked for his phone number!

OP posts:
JustLyra · 27/11/2021 20:58

I'd imagine at some point it'll be explained with the impression that you witheld contact and now he's in contact again.

That's certainly what my ex done everytime he conveniently 'forgot' to mention our girls to people.

Sciurus83 · 27/11/2021 20:58

Your poor son. Ex sounds awful

Original poster
HeirOfSlytherin · 27/11/2021 21:04

I don't think my DS would keep quiet if he thought his dad had said that. But that is interesting. I wonder if his wife might suggest he didn't know he had a child or something. But that just creates an even bigger lie...Confused

OP posts:
Kendoddsdadsdogsdadsdead · 27/11/2021 21:07

I can understand you being defensive about your sons father. But 17!!! And hiding his own son.

He sounds like a horrible, cowardly twat. You're well rid.

I feel sorry for your son. He may be acting like everything is fine and dandy, but this might fuck him up a bit in the future. Especially if he has his own children.

Original poster
HeirOfSlytherin · 27/11/2021 21:09

You're right, it is cowardly. I've never brought it up with him, but I might one day. Especially as DS will be going off to uni, so there will be graduations to attend, future events, perhaps weddings one day, maybe grandchildren... he needs to get some balls and sort it out with his wife, and with DS.

OP posts:
Autumndays123 · 27/11/2021 21:11

Put it this way OP, there are literally threads on here asking if it's ok to leave their 16/17 year old child overnight when parents are away. Your fully grown ex definitely has predatory tendencies. At 26 I can honestly say I had nothing in common with schoolchildren

Original poster
HeirOfSlytherin · 27/11/2021 21:14

I moved out at 17 when pregnant with DS and loved every minute of my independence, so my view on leaving 16/17 years olds overnight differs somewhat (although my DS has asked that we never leave him overnight Blush as he doesn't like it - guess we are all different).
I have dated a 19 year old when I was 25 - was I predatory? We had lots in common.

OP posts:
Autumndays123 · 27/11/2021 21:17

19 and 17 are very, very different. 17 year olds are still in school for a start. You need to stop defending this man, he sounds like a creep, at best

Original poster
HeirOfSlytherin · 27/11/2021 21:20

I'm not defending him, I'm clarifying details. Im more concerned about my DS though. The thread is being somewhat derailed from the main issue.

OP posts:
Sandunesandseashells · 27/11/2021 21:33

My dad did this, and there were four of us. The youngest three of us (sisters) met our future step mum but my brother never has. I was 16 at the time, I’m 61 now, for context. I think she is about 10 yrs older than me.
Only my youngest sister continues contact, she was told to call him by his first name if any step family were present when she visited which the rest of us refused to contemplate or collude with.
We have 2 half-sisters we don’t know; I’ve seen on SM that one of them looks more like me than my full sisters which feels strange and they have children now who I will never meet.
It’s all so unnecessary.

JustLyra · 27/11/2021 22:32

@HeirOfSlytherin

I don't think my DS would keep quiet if he thought his dad had said that. But that is interesting. I wonder if his wife might suggest he didn't know he had a child or something. But that just creates an even bigger lie...Confused
You might be surprised. My girls went along with a lot more than even they say no that they expected because they just wanted to hang on to their relationship with their Dad.

They're both NC with him now and see his actions very differently.

His now ex wife was under the impression for almost a year that the girls were his nieces. He blamed me and she bought it.
One ex girlfriend only found out he had children when at a family party (her family) it turned out her cousin's partner knew him and asked after the children. She dumped him that night.

candlelightsatdawn · 27/11/2021 23:07

Step parent here this is absolutely baffling. What's more baffling is it seems that ex DH has been leading the charge in the lie.

It's to complicated a lie for a 17 year old to dream up. Sure tell parents he's 21 now whatever not please can you hide your son under the broom closet. To be that socially aware that your parents would disapprove of your new partner having a kid and not worry about the age gap is odd to me.

Op how straight is your ex in terms of this type of thing ?

Also 17 is v young ....

shampooing · 27/11/2021 23:21

To be fair technically the boy isn't anything to do with the wife's family. Maybe your son doesn't care because they are nothing to him. My dsds aren't particularly bothered about my family. Why would they be?

@KylieKoKo in my family stepchildren have been welcomed and would be included in celebrations or events. Do you parents or wider family not see your DSDs at least occasionally?
This boy's dad got married and didn't include him. I think that's really shitty.
The more I read though the more I think some people have a really low bar, OP doesn't seem to think he's that bad.

KylieKoKo · 27/11/2021 23:47

@shampooing they've met them a few times. There's no animosity or bad feeling and they get on fine but they don't have a relationship that's in any way compatible to dsds relationship with their own aunties, uncles and grandparents.

I don't think dsds would care if they never saw them again.

Shadedog · 28/11/2021 00:00

A friend of mine lied about her boyfriends age when they first met. She was 16 and he was 20, so naturally she told her parents he was 18 and still in school. It gets awkward every decade or so when they think he has a significant birthday and he’s 2 years past it. They are in their 50s now so the age gap has become irrelevant but she never fessed up. I bet she told her parents he was 21/22 and couldn’t explain a 7yo so simply didn’t. It’s odd how things like that lose relevance but the lie blows up to a million times the size of the initial hiccup.

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