How do you 'vet' men?

[Quirkyme]

Happy Weekend everyone!

Out of interest, how do you 'vet' men?

This may vary between people but is there something you do in your 'vetting' that you think particularly works for you?

I thought I had a good level of discernment, but my ex was real fucked, and I think I ignored red flags

The best advice I can give is to slow it right down. Take your time getting to know someone and if there is something nagging you as being not right, acknowledge it and move on.

See how they behave under pressure and when there’s nothing in it for them. It’s hard to hide their true colours that way.
My now DP was kind even when he didn’t have to be. To everyone not just to me so I knew he was a good ‘un ;)
Also watch out for red flags, make sure there’s good communication trust your gut

Time

Instinct

All the above, plus learn the red flags. Especially watch out for love bombing, and them causing mixed feelings including anxiety.
See how they react when you say no to something they want, and not just one time.
Read ''the Gift of fear'' by Gavin de Becker, and ''Why does he do that'' by Lundy Bancroft - they are both available free online.
Take The Freedom Programme.

Google their name.
Google ''their name convicted''.
Take your time.
Never give up your independence especially financial; and make sure you always have an exit strategy and the resources to leave. Even after you are sure.

Take your time and go at your pace and not his.
Trust your instincts and never ignore something which you think is a bit fishy
Be yourself around them and see how they respond

There's no simple way to "vet" a man and no short-cuts really. The most important thing is to be honest with yourself and with him about what you want and if you don't feel you're being treated in a way you deserve don't brush it under the carpet.

Say ‘no’ to them. The way a man deals with that tells you rather a lot about him.

What are their friends like? Birds of a feather, and all that.

What are your conversations like? Does he listen to, engage with and respect the things that you say?

Do you know his beliefs? Political/religious/cultural/insert what’s important to you here. Are they similar (or at least complementary) to yours?

Do you want the same things? Marriage, a hookup, FWB, polyamory - define yourself terms. Bucking the trend, DO put a label on it.

What’s his home like? Never date a grown man who lives in a hovel, is unwilling (or unable) to clean or cook a half decent meal.

Are you sexually compatible? Likes, dislikes, kinks, sex drive. The whole kit and caboodle.

Talk to them, meet in person for extended dates (2 hours isn't enough) then await a global pandemic and get stuck at their house for 3 weeks because you both get covid . At that point 24/7 you know each pretty well!

All great answers here OP.

My (slightly) lighthearted one:
Get stranded abroad in a tiny airport with them for 7 hours. One sandwich, 2 bottles of water and no spare cash. If your still laughing and joking and loved up when you finally get on the plane he's the one for you

@Laiste and @gogohm I love yours! 😂

How does he speak about his previous partners? Are they all 'crazy' and 'psycho'? Red flag!

I doubt there's any real method for 'vetting' men (or for them vetting women). We were friends before starting our romantic side. So I'd say friendship is important, passion comes and goes but you need to be friends. Understand you both may have different needs at times and not resenting but helping. As you get on the you'll both change so you need to want to grow together even if that means missing out on some things (you both need to be willing to compromise)

Don't take on any projects.

@Comedycook

How does he speak about his previous partners? Are they all 'crazy' and 'psycho'? Red flag!

Like OP? big red flag for him to see.

If they have kids -
How much input do they have with their upbringing?

How much help/money do they give their ex?

How quickly are they happy to start introducing you to them?

In my book anyone happy to start introducing their children to people they've only known for less than a year are no go's.

ALWAYS listen to your gut. It is always right, even if you just have a vague feeling that something is wrong, dont brush it off just because you dont know what it is yet. Anxiety is a huge red flag, its your body telling you something is wrong. Listen to it.

Also, if you want something half serious, dont jump into bed streight away. Get to know them a bit first.

Oh and this might be unpopular but I have noticed with myself and friends, if a guy is serious about you he will pay for your dinner(s). Men are wired to be providers, its just biology. Have enough self worth to accept him paying for some things for you. It makes them feel like they invested in you and they will appreciate you more.

Assemble some flatpack furniture together.

Go on a caravanning holiday with them. If you still like each other afterwards, he’s probably a keeper.

Look what their friends are like and how they treat other people day to day. Don't move in with anybody before knowing them 2 years.

Go out for a meal. See how they behave towards the staff. See whether they are looking at other women who walk past. What are their table manners like and what are their manners like in general? I kid you not, you'll pick up a lot about their attitudes during the course of one meal.

@FrodoAteMyRing

Oh and this might be unpopular but I have noticed with myself and friends, if a guy is serious about you he will pay for your dinner(s). Men are wired to be providers, its just biology. Have enough self worth to accept him paying for some things for you. It makes them feel like they invested in you and they will appreciate you more.

If a man is willing to treat you as an equal he may well offer to pay, but will have the humility to agree to split (or alternate) when you say 'no'. Refusal to compromise is definitely a red flag.

I don't do OLD, so men I meet tend to be friends of friends or people who go along to activities I do, so to some extent are pre-vetted.

My DC are old enough to understand that mummy has a dating life (as do they!) and that a date doesn't mean a new daddy, and so I don't feel the need to keep new men completely under wraps. Meeting an older teen in passing and letting them interrogate is actually quite useful.

Not to be attempted with younger DC!

You look at how they treat people - not just you but they’re family, friends, people around them.

Can you speak your mind without fear or repercussions? Is he happy to be wrong?

Is he generous with his time and money? Not extravagant, but kind.

It shouldn’t be overwhelming, it should be fun and nice.

My DH is the same intrinsic person he was 16 years ago.

He’s kind, he’s thoughtful, he’s not judgemental, he’s careful with money but not at all tight. He likes buying gifts, he’s fun, he loves his family and is kind to them. He makes time to do things he ought to even if he doesn’t want to.

He tells me when I’m wrong and can accept when he is.

He’s not perfect by any stretch and has plenty of bad qualities but none are abusive or harmful.

THEIR family. Why does autocorrect do that???