How do you 'vet' men?

[Quirkyme]

Happy Weekend everyone!

Out of interest, how do you 'vet' men?

This may vary between people but is there something you do in your 'vetting' that you think particularly works for you?

I thought I had a good level of discernment, but my ex was real fucked, and I think I ignored red flags

I second listen to how they talk about their family and friends - particularly their mum. Something I was told as a teenager (and am trying to inform my DS) I've always judged men by how respectful they are to/about their mum.

But does that not make them "mummy's boys" (or so I read a lot on here)?!

-Pays for dinner in the early days (shows his investment in the blossoming relationship, less likely to be wining and dining other women too if he is constantly picking up the tab)
-Will mark special occasions with no prompting- no matter how early the relationship is. A man interested in you wouldn’t dream of not arranging something special for v day or your birthday, and bringing a nice gift.
-Clean, tidy, presentable
-Has a good relationship with his family, is seen to text and call them
-Asks about you, and remembers what you say, doesn’t monologue and see you as a supporting actress in his trials and tribulations
-Says nothing unkind about his ex

But the most productive indicator…

PLANS. NICE. DATES.

Books nice things for you to do! Doesn’t mean ££££ dinners all of the time- but museums, theatre, nice walks in botanical gardens, cute tea shops. Initiates this. You are not the planner of the social life.

A man who just wants to use you as a bang maid will be having you over for a takeaway and Netflix (and hoping for sex) by date 2

I think part of it is vetting yourself. Where are you emotionally?

Men with red flags tend to sniff out vulnerable/needy women like sharks.

The best way to partner up with someone who is red flag-free is to ensure you yourself are stable and confident.

"listen to how they talk about their family and friends - particularly their mum. Something I was told as a teenager (and am trying to inform my DS) I've always judged men by how respectful they are to/about their mum."

Yes defintely.

I think part of it is vetting yourself. Where are you emotionally?

I was going to say this as well. I think it starts with yourself. Have healthy boundaries and standards for yourself and don't lower them if something doesn't feel right. Lots of time to get to know the person in different situations, how they behave under stress.

Don't explain away actions which make you uneasy more than once.

Once because anyone can make a mistake. More than that, just 'no'

Have a daytime date very early on. The zoo or something like that. Make sure you can have a proper conversation without alcohol being involved. Use the opportunity to (subtly!) check their views on things that are important to you.