To keep DS home from school until a staff member rings me back?

[DietCokeChipsAndMayo]

DP & I have very different opinions on this situation and it’s something we don’t really have any experience with so I would appreciate some advice on who is in the right here

DS is 12 and he text me very upset on Thursday about what I would say is bullying, this has been going on for a while but escalated massively on Thursday lunchtime and I went and picked him up from school, I asked the head of year to call me at this time
I told DS he didn’t have to go in school on Friday until I’d spoke to someone
Friday morning I ring and say he’s not coming in and ask again for someone to call me to discuss the situation, nobody does, so just before the end of the day I rang again and no answer so I left a message saying we will not be sending DS back into school until someone has rang me back

DP thinks he should go in on Monday because “he can’t just miss school for no reason and nothing will be solved in one phonecall anyway”
I don’t think for a minute it will all be solved in one phonecall but I don’t want to send him in until staff are at least aware of the situation (DS has never let me ring a teacher or anything before and the boys picking on him have always passed it off as playfulness/banter and have been pretending to be his friends so far, he’s now accepted they are not his friends and is letting me get involved so staff so far know nothing)

So - WIBU to keep him at home until a memeber of staff is made aware of the situation? Or send him in and hope someone rings, not knowing what will happen with these boys in the meantime?

Yabu - send him in
Yanbu- keep him home

Do they have a pastoral dept? They're usually the ones who get dumped with it deal.
Copy them in too.

Just to clarify, I’m not complaining that nobody has responded yet, I appreciate they’re busy and I’m not keeping him off in any way to ‘punish’ the school for not responding which is what I think a few posters are thinking

I purely don’t want to send him to school with an ongoing escalating situation with bullies until the staff are at the very least aware that there is a problem

The incidents started off easily passable as playful, negging, roughhousing, but what happened on Thursday became quite physical and actually ended up with them stealing some of his belongings
DS is very small, smaller than his 10 year old sister so does not feel comfortable going into school as the smallest one there with situations that may become physical, and quite frankly he has no chance!

He is in year 8 btw

@DietCokeChipsAndMayo

Just to clarify, I’m not complaining that nobody has responded yet, I appreciate they’re busy and I’m not keeping him off in any way to ‘punish’ the school for not responding which is what I think a few posters are thinking

I purely don’t want to send him to school with an ongoing escalating situation with bullies until the staff are at the very least aware that there is a problem

The incidents started off easily passable as playful, negging, roughhousing, but what happened on Thursday became quite physical and actually ended up with them stealing some of his belongings
DS is very small, smaller than his 10 year old sister so does not feel comfortable going into school as the smallest one there with situations that may become physical, and quite frankly he has no chance!

He is in year 8 btw

Know exactly what you're going through.

And good luck - hope you get it sorted.

I can only speak for how our school works but I wouldn’t follow advise given here to go into the school, due to covid you wouldn’t get in to ours, and the chances of the HoY being able to come straight to see you would be low anyway.

I would email head of year, form tutor and year manager if you have them.

I’d your son isn’t happy to go in to school I would keep him off and explain why in the emails.

If he feels comfortable to go in and go and try to see HoY or year manager at the start of the day I would do this, as well as email.

I would be guided by your son.

Sorry but I think you're unreasonable.

I'm in the same situation this week. What has come out is the bullys parents believe him to be the victim and were unaware of other incidents.

The school will need time to investigate before acting. Perhaps it's not as cut and dried as you think?

@FrenchToasty

The school have only had one working day in which to receive your message and act on it.

That feels like a long time to you but in reality the person who could deal with the issue may have been in a meeting all day or covering people due to covid absence etc. Schools are extremely busy places and one working day isn't a long time to wait for messages to filter through, especially as you have asked for a phonecall and not just emailed.

i emailed my daughters school on thursday evening at 4.30pm. I cc'd the Head of Year, Pastoral and the Teacher in charge of behaviour (who also happened to be one of the two Deputy Heads)

Within an hour, her head of year called from school, then the DH phoned me from home, and the matter was resolved.

They'll answer if they think its urgent enough.

Did you collect him early at lunchtime on Thursday, or pick him up at the end of the day? Did the school staff know you were picking him up because physical behaviour and stealing? When you asked for a call, did you specify that it was to discuss your concerns around the behaviour of these children?

As you said, staff have no idea about the severity of the situation, as it hasn't been shared with them up until now. If you've just asked for a call back without giving any reason why, school staff may not think it's urgent.

I've had parents demand a call from me, refuse to tell the admin team what it's about, get annoyed when I'm teaching all day, have lunchtime duty and a meeting after school, all because their child lost their (unnamed) jumper...

as with pp but also school governors as well
Op I think you are right to be alarmed & as pps send email stating your previous attempts to contact but (& I think the way you have expressed this shows you would do this) always the seriously concerned & worried parent & not the angry parent
& if you do have a conversation - record it & than write another email stating what was said & checking what they said they will do
(cover your back)

Oh & sand email with a notification of arrival (thingee at top - not a when they open it as dd says that can be cancelled)

I'd keep him off until you've had an actual conversation with someone. You need reassurances that are simply not there via email. You need to know that they are taking this seriously and listening to you.

I hate bullies 😞

& tick the urgent message at the top too! & in title bar state its physical aggression & severe bullying & theft
Than they have no excuse

if you want advice on an email this is the format i use.

1. what the issue is

2. what part of the schools behaviour/bullying policy you believe its contravened (link it if you can, it should be on their website.)

3. your expectations of what you want to happen.

Keep it short, professional, and unemotional.. but make it clear that you will not tolerate the bullying, and that you find the schools lack of contact unacceptable.

I had the same situation recently, three calls with no response. My y7 came home hysterical after being attacked in class.

I wrote a an email detailing the incident and a request for a meeting to discuss how we all proceed.

I kept him off the next day and once my email was picked up, it was taken seriously and the other child was suspended and there was on going check ins from head of year.

Highly recommend a concise email that indicates you are looking to work with the school to resolve the situation. Dates, times and description of incidents.

I really hope your son is ok.

Strangely I've had the same with my year 8 this week came home with bruises from being kicked and they stole his clothing after PE he did find his clothes but I was mighty pissed because his blazer has his bus pass in it he cannot get home without it and its a thirty quid blazer I cannot magic out of my arse and he will get into trouble for not wearing it (fortunately he found it this time) I emailed at three fifty I got assurances that they would deal with it first thing by four thirty

You're doing the right thing, OP. If something like this had happened to one of mine and I did not have a clear understanding of the action the school was going to take to keep him safe, he would not be going in until I had that understanding.

Agree with sending an email covering the points made by EmotionalSupportBear above.

Please don't just turn up demanding a meeting. I'm a HT - have staff off due to COVID and can't get supply so am often teaching. One working day is not long and not fair. Yes it needs dealing with but you're admitting they know nothing about it. Your phone call has no more urgency at the moment than the parent who wishes to discuss why you've cancelled clubs during an outbreak. Send an email giving them a brief outline and how you need to discuss it further. Then they can prioritise your call. A lot of parents are very needy at the moment, understandably so, but there are more needs/calls and less staff to deal/support.

When you collected him. Did you inform school he was leaving? Did you go to reception and ask to speak to someone?

I think I'd be heading down in person monday morning with dc and speaking to reception personally to get it straightened out.

Been in this situation and kept him off, turned out to be only for a morning in the end as I got to see the head that day in the end (primary school)

The schools like to play down bullying so until you go all guns blazing they don't take it seriously - in my experience.
Your child only has you to advocate for them, do whatever you believe is necessary.

Have you actually told school that you wish to speak to them regarding bullying or just asked for someone to call you?
IME school's are actually pretty good at responding to bullying and you don't have to go in "all guns blazing". But clearly they can't deal with bullying they don't know about.

Email them, then there is a paper trail but it does sometimes take time for them to investigate. My son's school has a 48 hour policy for responding to parents, sometimes that is them acknowledging the email and saying they are still gathering info but most likely in my experience they have resolved it by the time they speak to me.

I am sorry that your son has gone through this in school. Every time something happens your son needs to report it and you need to record it in a diary so you have a record of events. Your son is on the receiving end of some awful constant low level behaviour. He is unhappy and so school should be informed so that they can hopefully do something about it.

I think you're right based on what you have said but hard to say when we don't know exactly what is going on.

If your child was bullied relentlessly like I was at school @Strictly1 of course it’s more urgent than someone complaining about something trivial like clubs not being on!! Bullies made my life hell, people can suffer into adulthood about how they were bullied in school. My partner was punched unconscious in a classroom and left school at 16 with little qualifications because school would not deal with bullies and it seems they take it as seriously now!! I get you can’t call back that quick but surely someone can phone to find out the issues.

Thankfully my sons school is great however if there was an issue I’d expect someone to have called you back by now op, I’ve spoken to both personal tutor and head of year abs depute head re my son so there are plenty people to speak to, I’ve also emailed them. I’d keep him off. It’s a horrible feeling sending your child to school not knowing what might happen to them especially when you feel school haven’t got the information or are not great at dealing with it. Bullying ruins kids lives, I was so painfully quiet and withdrawn leaving school I hated myself and thought I was worthless. My mum was up at school every other week they did nothing. There was no school to move to as was in rural highlands of Scotland. You’re the only advocate for your child.

I don't think you are unreasonable OP. Yes schools are busy but bullying is serious. But if you've not told them what it's about, then you'll just be in the non-urgent list of things to do. In which case I agree, send an email detailing the issues and asking for an urgent call back.

With your update, when you contact school you will need to be clearer than just it got physical. That would cover any number of things from pushing (not ok by the way and I'd never minimise it) through to an assault (probably something that would warrant an investigation and a fixed term exclusion). If you have a genuine safety concern about your child then I understand you keeping them off.

When you turned up to collect your son, what did you say to reception when you said you were taking him?

Bullying is awful and schools absolutely have a duty to deal with it. Calling lots won't help create urgency. All it does is inundate the reception staff with lots of messages to pass on.
Either wait until the end of Monday to hear back (which is entirely reasonable given they only had 1 working day this week), or if you want to contact again send a short factual email saying you'd like to speak to the Head of Year as soon as convenient as the following incident happened on Thursday and your child is worried about coming to school.

@Iamkmackered1979

If your child was bullied relentlessly like I was at school *@Strictly1* of course it’s more urgent than someone complaining about something trivial like clubs not being on!! Bullies made my life hell, people can suffer into adulthood about how they were bullied in school. My partner was punched unconscious in a classroom and left school at 16 with little qualifications because school would not deal with bullies and it seems they take it as seriously now!! I get you can’t call back that quick but surely someone can phone to find out the issues.

Thankfully my sons school is great however if there was an issue I’d expect someone to have called you back by now op, I’ve spoken to both personal tutor and head of year abs depute head re my son so there are plenty people to speak to, I’ve also emailed them. I’d keep him off. It’s a horrible feeling sending your child to school not knowing what might happen to them especially when you feel school haven’t got the information or are not great at dealing with it. Bullying ruins kids lives, I was so painfully quiet and withdrawn leaving school I hated myself and thought I was worthless. My mum was up at school every other week they did nothing. There was no school to move to as was in rural highlands of Scotland. You’re the only advocate for your child.

I didn't say it wasn't. I said they don't know what it's about at this point.