Do I NEED to teach to self soothe?

[happyboobs]

Am I being unreasonable by not teaching my DD to self soothe?

Breastfed baby who is eating solids (not loads mind) at 11mo.
Wakes two hourly still through out the night for quick boob and back to sleep.
DH can settle a couple of times in the evening but generally she's screaming for me by 11pm and wants a good feed so this does limit me meaning I can't really go out anywhere very far or for very long.

I'm not back at work any time soon.

Goes to bed in her own room then we generally bedshare once I go to bed.

Am I doing my baby a disservice by not teaching her to self soothe? I've been made to feel that way by a couple of other mums. They basically said it's cruel and I'm depriving her of a nights sleep and the ability to get herself back to sleep! I'm quite happy with our situation but feeling so much pressure to leave her to cry/withhold the boob which is her only comfort (no dummies or bottles she's never been interested).

I'm generally a confident person but starting to doubt myself and wonder if I am being cruel by not sleep training my baby 😭

I really hate feeling so judged and like I am doing something wrong.

Any advice welcome.

If it works for you then it's fine.

@NuffSaidSam

I guess this is really the point of my post.

It does work for me at the moment but it be better for my baby if I taught her to sleep by some form of sleep training?

I want to do whatever is best for her but I'm not sure what that is right now.

I sleep trained my eldest. Co slept with my youngest. They are now nearly 4 and nearly 5. The younger one is by far the better sleeper. Do what sits right with you

It's only a problem for your baby if for some reason you had to suddenly withdraw the boob. So, say you were taken ill and had to go to hospital, you'd be leaving her with no way to comfort herself or be comforted by DH. For me personally, I would want her to have some ability to self settle and be comforted by others. But that's obviously a worst case scenario and there's every chance it will never happen and she will be absolutely fine and grow out of needing the boob naturally.

I don't think you're doing her any damage by continuing as you are. I also don't believe that gentle sleep training does any damage whatsoever. So, do what works for you.

A baby’s sleep cycle is about 2hrs - they wake a little, check they are in a safe place and should go back to sleep. Since your baby thinks they need you to resettle them, they don’t know how to go back to sleep by themselves. There is co sleeping and there is your baby who thinks they need you every two hours. You might be able to cope now but you might struggle later. But you don’t have to deny them anything. For example you can dream feed them after 1.5hrs - that way hopefully they won’t wake at 2hrs and will sleep through to the next sleep cycle at least.

I found that all of mine eventually taught themselves. The youngest was about 2 years, eldest about 5. I just couldn't face crying it out so I just comforted them when they needed it

If it works for you then it's fine.

^ I would amend to “if it works for you then do not, for the love of god, fuck about with things to please other people.”

You’re not depriving your baby of anything, give these idiots no head space whatsoever. Babies’ sleep changes vary HUGELY, they all learn at different rates, and my experience has been that it is much, much easier to allow that kind of thing to happen at its own pace than to try and teach it. If you’re happy with how things are, then do NOT make you and your baby jump through hoops just to please judgey “friends”.

Or as Nethuns would say much more concisely, your bubba your rulez hun.

No you don't.

Do what works for you. If you are happy doing what you are doing then carry on, it's not upto anybody else.

If you're on Instagram, I'd recommend following @heysleepybaby

I sleep trained my BF baby at 9 months old because I physically couldn’t take the continual waking through the night for nothing other than a 1 minute comfort suckle before going back to sleep - and then waking 1.5 hours later to do it again repeat. I was exhausted. He also wouldn’t nap in the day unless I breastfed him to sleep and then he’d wake as soon as I moved.

I was exhausted.

After a week of sleep training (including changes to all aspects of his daytime routine) he was then self soothing for nap times and bedtimes and would sleep from 7pm - 6am.

Another good thing was that after the training, DS was getting on average 6 more hours sleep per 24 hours than he was before the training. That’s a lot of extra sleep he was having and he was a much happier baby for it.

It's completely your choice, I don't agree in leaving a child to cry it out, my 5 year old can't settle herself to sleep, so we still bedshare. It works for us as the alternative is we get no sleep.

whatever is best for her

Your baby is sleeping with the comfort of a warm, loving parent next to them, attended to when she wakes, comforted and quickly asleep again.

You are deep in the throes of mummy guilt if you think there is a “better” option

There will come a time when you or she want to change and she is disturbing your sleep too much, or she starts waking less to feed, or you want to stop bf, or she’s too big and kicky in your bed, or you want to go out in the evenings, or whatever.

But changing because your friends got in your head and made you imagine that it’s necessary, is NOT good reason.

Apparently children don't fully learn how to self soothe until Atleast 5. I did what you did for both mine until 2 and now they sleep through and are really independent.

Sounds just like my baby who is nearly 11 months! I did exactly the same with my oldest who is 4 now, he sleeps in his own bed all night now (which I could never have imagined at one time!)

Is your baby happy in the day? If they mostly are, just keep doing what you're doing for as long as it works for you!

I very gently weaned my eldest at night at about 3 and I don't regret any of that wonderful time, even though I was tired! 🙂

No. Self soothing is a myth.

They’re just people and and people are different and have different needs.

My 8yo was an absolute sleep nightmare and still would prefer to sleep with us even though he hated cosleeping as a baby.

3yo just sleeps. I often hear him up in the night chattering and laughing and he’s fine, goes back to sleep on his own without any issue.

I didn’t do anything to assist this, if anything it’s less expected as he bedshared for 2 years and was a limpet when a baby.

I WOULD encourage you trying to get him off the nighttime milk at some point but he’s quite young still.

Never taught any of mine. They're L absolutely grand. Co slept with all of them whenever they wanted to. Don't see the big deal whatsoever. I actually think it's jolly good for a child's mental health to know that they can snuggle with mum or dad whenever they need to, even in the middle of the night. Certainly it makes for close bonding. Of course a bedtime routine and sleep hygeine is also important by the time they're in school, but I can't see anything bad about snuggles. There should be more snuggling!

I co-slept and BF both of mine and as they got older we moved to an arrangement of beds side by side (we had a big bedroom!) I don't think this went on for very long, and the two DCs moved into a shared bedroom when they were toddlers.

I stopped night feeds by having DP offer a drink of water instead of the boob, this took about two or three nights I think.

I tried the leaving to cry themselves to sleep method with DS1. It was horrendous for me and him and lasted one night. IMO, all it teaches is that they will be abandonded and ignored.

Both were really good sleepers and we never had problems when they were toddlers and beyond with waking in the night or anything like that.

Carry on with what you are doing if you are happy and it works for you and your DD.

I’m the same I always hated the idea of leaving my baby to cry. The idea of self soothing is really cruel IMO. Go with your instincts op. I always soothed my baby and fed her to sleep. She’s so happy and content and she sleeps without me fine now at home and at nursery. I have a friend who was obsessed with the idea of self soothing her baby from such a young age (like 3 or 4 months). I always felt sad for her baby crying and no one coming to soothe her. (She’d leave her for up to 30 minutes crying). I have to say my friends daughter doesn’t seem in any way affected by this so I think perhaps there’s no right or wrong just go with what feels good for you.

I breastfed DD3 until 2.5 ish (she would've continued but I'd had enough and was fairly easy to stop so in my eyes she was ready).
I co-slept and then started putting her to sleep in her cot whilst I sat in the room with her when she was around 18 months, would spend hours doing this, now I let her fall asleep in my bed with me next to her and move her to her bed once she's asleep. She does wake around 5am to get back in our bed for another couple of hours sleep but I'm fine with that, I know I could work on getting her to fall back asleep in her bed but to be honest I really can't be bothered yet lol.
But my point is I believe they do change and things get easier when they're ready for it.

The people I know who never taught their children to sleep still have non sleepers who are 5+! I couldn’t cope with that personally. It’s up to you and how you want to live.

It gets harder as they get older.

Never did with mine. Never let them cry. They both slept through eventually. And are now at Uni doing well so no long term effects.
You do you. I always say listen to all the advice, ignore 95% of it snd do it as you want. They are your kids and it's your life.

Nope! You're doing great just as you are.

Sarah Ockwell Smith has some great stuff about all this.

There have been a few studies where they put movement trackers on babies before and after sleep training. The parents were reporting improved sleep (and the studies are often used as part of arguments for the benefits of sleep training, but going by the trackers the babies actually slept the same or less.)

evolutionaryparenting.com/helping-baby-sleep/

If it's working for you, you're fine. The ability to self sooth is a developmental stage, you do not need to 'teach' a child to sleep or to be emotionally independent from you since that is what they are hardwired to learn under their own steam. I understand that it's different if you need your child to manage without you, for whatever reason, but trust that your kid is going to pick up these skills anyway if you are raising them in a generally functional manner. I'd say that includes creating a secure attachment by being there for them when you can in infancy. 11 months is still little.

I never did any kind of sleep training with mine and she just naturally moved away from needing me. She's been sleeping through in her own cot since age 1, and I can see on the monitor that she is able to settle herself easily when she wakes.