Do I NEED to teach to self soothe?

[happyboobs]

Am I being unreasonable by not teaching my DD to self soothe?

Breastfed baby who is eating solids (not loads mind) at 11mo.
Wakes two hourly still through out the night for quick boob and back to sleep.
DH can settle a couple of times in the evening but generally she's screaming for me by 11pm and wants a good feed so this does limit me meaning I can't really go out anywhere very far or for very long.

I'm not back at work any time soon.

Goes to bed in her own room then we generally bedshare once I go to bed.

Am I doing my baby a disservice by not teaching her to self soothe? I've been made to feel that way by a couple of other mums. They basically said it's cruel and I'm depriving her of a nights sleep and the ability to get herself back to sleep! I'm quite happy with our situation but feeling so much pressure to leave her to cry/withhold the boob which is her only comfort (no dummies or bottles she's never been interested).

I'm generally a confident person but starting to doubt myself and wonder if I am being cruel by not sleep training my baby 😭

I really hate feeling so judged and like I am doing something wrong.

Any advice welcome.

You've all made me feel so much better. Thank you.

Mumsnet is amazing!

If it works for you, then it's absolutely fine. You can never "spoil" a baby or child with too many cuddles- I never messed around with any sleep training or self settling, it was easier for me just to go down the path of least resistance. None of mine would happily go to bed by themselves and sleep all the way through until about 2.5 years though, and I know some people can't cope with that. But that worked fine for us, and they all sleep well now.

YANBU and they are being dicks to even comment. Your style is more baby led and they’re just trying to justify their sleep training.

It is works for you and you're happy then ignore your friends- they are probably just trying to justify their own choices by criticizing yours. My child is now 20 months and still wakes regularly - gets fed to sleep at 7, wakes around 11 when he comes into bed with us and on/off feeds when he wakes in the night. It's the best way for us all to get the most sleep. I went back to work at 11 months and by 15 months brought him in our bed as I was getting to resettling him in his cot.

In the past few months I've had to start to travel overnight with work a few times and worried as when I'm home he only settles for me, not dad. But the nights I'm away they do absolutely fine- Mum isn't available so he's perfectly happy to fall asleep with his dad. One thing I do wish is that I'd realized a bit earlier and gone out a bit more!

You really don’t need to share what happens in your own bedroom at night. Just smile vaguely and say it’s going really well if anyone asks.

I suspect most people resort to sleep training if they have a baby who doesn’t settle as easily as yours and is breaking them, is returning to work or is pregnant again.

Crack on and enjoy.

I was told that once they get over 5kg, there is no need to night feed as they should be able sleep through. I certainly noticed a difference when mine hit 5kg, they were able to sleep 10hrs undisturbed. I didn’t cosleep but did share a room. They did snuffle and chat through the night, but didn’t cry and would soon go back to sleep. Does your child cry or is it just general noise as if you leave them they might settle themselves?

I also think people forget or ignore what a joy it is to have a warm snuggled baby on you.

My 3yo (who sleeps very well) still loves a lay-on and it’s gorgeous

@Bonnealle

What happens if your baby is 5kg at birth?

I was told that once they get over 5kg, there is no need to night feed as they should be able sleep through.

Jesus - please tell me this was at least 20 years ago

No, this was very recently! Both by a midwife and a friend who had employed a sleep coach (not sure if the correct term!). She had loads of trouble with her 6 month old and sleep and the coach said to drop the night feed. This worked and her baby sleeps through now. I’m obviously no expert, just repeating advice I was given. I guess it depends on the baby, I didn’t need to night feed mine after 8wks as they slept through - big baby though!!

It’s such dangerous advice.

Oh I didn’t realise! It worked for me, although we didn’t do it on purpose, they just slept through so didn’t want to wake them. I don’t think they would had advised that with a newborn even if over 5kg. By the time mine hit that weight it was around two months and the friend’s daughter was six months. I guess it’s different depending on the baby. Mine slept solidly through the night early on (which I appreciate is fortunate!), but another friend still has night wakes at just over a year.

YANBU at all. Do what feels right for you.

That’s the point though - some just will sleep. It’s not about weight or age or any other stuff those experts say with such conviction.

My boy was 5kg at birth. Basically fed 2-3 hourly for 2 months and didn’t sleep through until over 3 and definitely needed overnight feeds until well past 1.

Oh wow, that must have been really tough! I can’t imagine that level of sleep deprivation for so long. I thought I was going crazy and that was only for two months! I’ve always wanted a big family, but do have a fear subsequent children won’t be as good sleepers - I realise I’ve been spoilt!

They're commenting because whether you sleep train or not, you have skin in the game and want to justify your own approach.

Co sleeping is fine if everyone's happy. I have known people martyr themselves through horrible exhaustion though, or feeling split off from their partner sleeping elsewhere. It can also cause problems when a new baby comes along.

Sleep training is also fine. People who haven't done it overstate the unpleasantness, 'leaving your baby to cry' whereas often it's sitting by them or coming in and out to soothe so they know you're there, they're just not sleeping in your arms.