Subtle bullying of my teen by school mum - how to handle?

[ESGdance]

My DD 13 and friend were at a school production last night (without us) and when I picked her up she said that one of the mums was giving her sneery/dirty looks throughout which were obvious to her accompanying friend and made her feel really bad.

There is a backstory where 6 months ago I calmly addressed this mum’s background meddling / sabotage attempt around arrangements for a day out that my DD had arranged for their wider friendship group including her DD (her DD and mine are still v good friends). She has form for this and it’s why on that occasion I called her up to discuss it - she slammed the phone down.

I have seen her out and about since and I give her a courteous smile - she doesn’t really respond either way.

She hasn’t given my DD sneery / dirty looks in the past and know that she wouldn’t have done this with another adult present.

I am glad that my DD was able to talk to me about it and the only advice I could give her is that an adult treating a child like this is highly irregular and was deliberately meant to intimidate.

Is there anything else that I can do to support my DD? Encourage her to kill her with kindness - be deliberately and directly proactively cheerful to her to disarm her.

Or do I put in another calm call to her - or ask the school to deal with it as it happened in their time on their premises and there were witnesses. I don’t want my DD to endure this bullying treatment by an adult (especially as it’s me the mum has an issue with) but equally don’t want to escalate as it’s now clear this mum is more than tricky.

Much ado about absolutely nothing.

I believe you and I believe your daughter. I've been in the situation of being literally staggered by the bad behaviour of supposedly adult women.

Just think, this woman was trying to make a 13 year old feel bad. and in the process make herself feel superior.... wow.

All you can do is tell your daughter that you believe her interpretation of events.

One thing your daughter could do if she is brave enough is to say to the woman ''I feel like you're giving me a dirty look, is that your intention?''. I bet the woman will say ''no'' or maybe ''you're imagining it''. Coach your daughter through the SHINING A LIGHT ON IT technique.

When the bully is backed in to a corner and forced to say ''no no it wasn't my intention to x,y or z'' just accept them at their word, obvious lie though it is and say ''Oh good, glad to hear you wouldn't do that !'' and leave it there. Really, LEAVE IT THERE.

All it does is signal to the bully that you have a backbone and not are not completely terrified of conflict like they're banking on.

You know what? I remember a mum doing this to me when I was about 14 or 15 (I think we were going to see The Shaman at a nightclub). I actually don’t think it was out of malice - she just couldn’t bear the thought of other girls being allowed to do something that her daughter wasn’t (and couldn’t stand the whinging from her daughter).

If this woman is giving your daughter evils, it’s from insecurity. Realistically, challenging her on giving evils is hard to do and I’d be amazed if a teenager would be able to do it in a non aggressive way.

How much headspace do you want your daughter to give this woman? It might be easiest to just ignore her for the time being.

The only way you can truly deal with this is by asking your dd to distance herself for her own protection for the girl of the mother. Increase her social circle and start to pull away. That is one thing you can influence