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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Subtle bullying of my teen by school mum - how to handle?

54 replies

ESGdance · 27/11/2021 08:53

My DD 13 and friend were at a school production last night (without us) and when I picked her up she said that one of the mums was giving her sneery/dirty looks throughout which were obvious to her accompanying friend and made her feel really bad.

There is a backstory where 6 months ago I calmly addressed this mum’s background meddling / sabotage attempt around arrangements for a day out that my DD had arranged for their wider friendship group including her DD (her DD and mine are still v good friends). She has form for this and it’s why on that occasion I called her up to discuss it - she slammed the phone down.

I have seen her out and about since and I give her a courteous smile - she doesn’t really respond either way.

She hasn’t given my DD sneery / dirty looks in the past and know that she wouldn’t have done this with another adult present.

I am glad that my DD was able to talk to me about it and the only advice I could give her is that an adult treating a child like this is highly irregular and was deliberately meant to intimidate.

Is there anything else that I can do to support my DD? Encourage her to kill her with kindness - be deliberately and directly proactively cheerful to her to disarm her.

Or do I put in another calm call to her - or ask the school to deal with it as it happened in their time on their premises and there were witnesses. I don’t want my DD to endure this bullying treatment by an adult (especially as it’s me the mum has an issue with) but equally don’t want to escalate as it’s now clear this mum is more than tricky.

OP posts:

Zampa · 27/11/2021 10:18

It is not dramatic to be concerned about a grown adult trying to get a 13 year old's party cancelled. That was appalling behaviour and certainly bullying. OP - you were entirely right to pull her up on it at the tone.

As for the looks, there's not much more you can do other than encourage your daughter to continue talking to you, so you know if it escalates. Limit her exposure to this women if you can.

Ponoka7 · 27/11/2021 10:21

Your dad wasn't being bullied and you'd do her no favours by describing it as such. For dirty looks to be bullying it would have to be over a period of time.
Any parent is within their right to not want their child to participate in something. They also have the right to share their concerns with other parents. She might have done it without the best intentions, but people aren't perfect.
You should teach your DD to ignore dirty looks and rise above sneering. Don't tell her to 'kill the other mother with kindness', it only escalates things. There's people who we don't like and people who don't like us, paths will cross with such, all through life, so you ignore them and get on with your day.
Teach your daughter that life isn't a popularity contest and we don't need the approval of others.

Branleuse · 27/11/2021 10:30

Tell your kid to ignore it. I dont think you need to get imvolved any more than absolutely necessary. She can pull weird faces if she wants. Your kid needs to try to not let herself get intimidated

Spudina · 27/11/2021 10:31

I have a similar issue OP, but with a child. My DD was being bullied by an older girl. The school spoke to the girl, who now isn’t doing anything overt, because she knows she can’t get away with it, but is constantly giving my daughter evils (as is one of her friends.) I bought it up at parents evening as an example of how things are not totally resolved, but agreed with the school that it’s hard to police a “look”. But as it happens on a daily basis, it still has an impact on my DD. It’s a kind of intimidation really. I’d be tempted to ring the mother and tell her if she has an issue, to address it with you and leave your DD out if it.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 27/11/2021 10:44

You considered phoning school about a mum giving your daughter a dirty look? 😂

Are you both prone to dramatics OP?

If you want to teach your DD how to handle a dirty look then maybe tell her to stop looking at the person who's supposedly giving them.

Surely when she told you about it, the correct response from you would have been "oh just ignore her" not "maybe I should contact school"

And it's not bullying, it's just pathetic behaviour

Original poster

ESGdance · 27/11/2021 10:44

@PleasantBirthday

It would be very unusual for an adult parent of another child to spend an evening giving a child evils. How much time are you spending giving your daughter the impression that there's some kind of blood war between your families now? It's all a bit dramatic, this talk of sabotage etc.

That is very true and was what I reiterated to my DD that an adult treating a child like this is highly irregular.

Just not clear to advise the cheery smile or swerve approach. She did feel intimidated and it’s important to acknowledge this.

My DD doesn’t know that this mum called the other mums about the birthday camp out or that I followed it up later. I suppose that’s why I feel guilty or obligated to address it as any issue should be directed at me and not indirectly at my DD. I also don’t want to bring up the stuff behind the scenes with my DD.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 27/11/2021 10:51

I can see why she called th other mums, she probably wanted to garner opinion and was facing pressure about hers being the one left out.

I’m concerned you’re maybe oversensitive and dramatic ans ar e passing it off to your daughter, calling th school because your daughter got a dirty look is mind boggling.

PleasantBirthday · 27/11/2021 10:52

Could anything have been said to the friend in the aftermath of the party she missed? By anyone?

Original poster

ESGdance · 27/11/2021 10:55

Thanks got some helpful direction here - the killing with kindness feels wrong to me - so ignoring but knowing she is being pathetic rather than intimidating is a good approach if it happens again. It’s only happened this once so on reflection this incident doesn’t fall into bullying as it’s not repeated. I think the background / backstory was colouring my reaction to it disproportionately. Thanks all.,

OP posts:

inkworks273 · 27/11/2021 10:57

I'd let it go this time. The woman sounds very petty. If it continues to happen then I would say something but for now just I'd leave her to it.

northbacchus · 27/11/2021 11:06

Let it go, and teach your daughter to ignore it. If this woman wants "drama" or to have an enemy, give her no fuel for her fire.

Adults that haven't got over playground behaviour generally don't change.

WhatAHexIGotInto · 27/11/2021 11:15

Oh for the love of God ...

fournonblondes · 27/11/2021 11:24

What a stupid insecure woman. I honestly think the school would think you are mad if you contact them. Just make sure your daughter is ok and be there for when the stupid insecure woman could be there.

aquashiv · 27/11/2021 11:36

Maybe she's got a resting bitch face when concentrating. Your daughter might be transferring her feelings. Let it be.
Or if you see her do it then whisper in her ear with a cheerful smile never play poker.

5128gap · 27/11/2021 11:40

Under no circumstances tell your DD to act in a deliberate and non authentic way of any kind towards this woman. Your DD is too young to be encouraged to engage in this sort of game playing. Tell your DD to behave as she would towards any adult but to inform you if this woman does anything further. As a one off I'd let it go. Dirty looks are difficult to prove, and teen girls can be prone to exaggeration. But if it happens again you need to address it directly with the woman. Its not a school matter, or, where an adult is bullying a child, a matter for the child to manage themselves.

Carlosa · 27/11/2021 11:48

I have to admit to once or twice giving stinky looks to teens who have treated my child very badly.

Not proud of it but some of them are nasty pieces of work who have made my child's life a misery.

It wasn't deliberate, just a visceral reaction to seeing the tormentors.

So who knows, maybe there's more going on than you know about...

Helpstopthepain · 27/11/2021 11:51

How much do you share your opinion about this woman with your dd?

If you’ve said that the woman isn’t nice, is dd looking for not nice behaviour?

I would say nothing. What would you say? ‘Stop looking at my daughter’?

crowsfeet57 · 27/11/2021 11:53

Maybe she was giving your DD dirty looks, maybe she wasn't. It's incredibly subjective. Maybe she had wind or maybe the person next to her had BO.

Teach your daughter some resilience and just ignore the woman.

PegasusReturns · 27/11/2021 11:56

I think you’ve got some strange responses here.

Virtually every women in the world has been on the receiving end of a dirty or sneery look at some time or another. We know what it looks like and whether someone is doing it.

In this case other people witnessed the behaviour and interpreted it in the same way.

Such behaviour certainly can be bullying and pretending otherwise is absurd. And adult women made a young girl cry because of her behaviour. That’s unacceptable.

OP I think you’re best telling your DD to ignore but encourage her to let you know if anything else happens. However if your DD was performing in the production then I would escalate to the school.

Original poster

ESGdance · 27/11/2021 12:11

@Carlosa

I have to admit to once or twice giving stinky looks to teens who have treated my child very badly.

Not proud of it but some of them are nasty pieces of work who have made my child's life a misery.

It wasn't deliberate, just a visceral reaction to seeing the tormentors.

So who knows, maybe there's more going on than you know about...

There isn’t anything going on between the girls that I am aware of - they hang out all the time, she is over at ours loads, my DD said that she came over to chat and giggle with my DD during the interval and after the performance last night - she is a great kid and they have a lovely friendship.

OP posts:

sst1234 · 27/11/2021 12:30

@Evesgarden

Yes I would give her a call.

Killing with kindness doesn't work with some people.

And say what?

Honestly so much drama over not a lot. There is law against giving dirty looks - which in itself is a subjective interpretation of someone’s possibly harmless behaviour.

In any case, OP you sound like you meddle a lot too.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 27/11/2021 12:38

With my DDs I told them that often if people are like that towards you, it's a reflection of them rather than you.
Build up their resilience. They have to deal with this in life.

Bluntness100 · 27/11/2021 12:46

So why would the mother be giving your daughter dirty looks if the girls hang out all the time and the daughter is alway at your home, that makes no sense,

Do you talk to your child about your dislike for this woman?

Theunamedcat · 27/11/2021 12:51

Just get her to practice vague smiling ive had to do it a lot lately because if she glares back people will assume she is an instigator as she is a teenager 🙄 and adults couldn't POSSIBLY act like that (except I've seen it directed towards a 6 year old child by an adult)

gogohm · 27/11/2021 12:55

Sorry but this sounds ridiculous, some people have faces that look sneery all the time, plus perhaps she had something on her mind and teens do misinterpret. As for the meddling, her dd is 13, she has every right to put in safeguards or dictate what her child can do

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