To feel like a failure already

[Ellabella8999]

So my newborn is just over a week old, I’m breastfeeding and she’s recently had a bloated stomach with wind. My partner and I have been burping and winding her but I don’t feel that confident in my “burping skills”. We had a trip to A&E because we were worried about her stomach and they said it’s just wind that she has. My partner has now been bringing up the fact that it could be how she’s latching on and he keeps checking to see that she’s on properly when I’m feeding. Obviously this could be a cause of her wind and I’ll bring it up with the midwife. But then he’s also brought up my diet and how I might need to change that, how he’s noticed I’m not confident in holding her head..and it’s all just making me feel like crap and really judged, just when I’ve started to get the hang of burping her whilst she’s sitting on my legs he then shows me a different way that might be better for her, but she’s quite happy being burped that way..right now I’m just wanting to quit breastfeeding and bottle feed, everything is just so overwhelming.

All babies get wind. Their digestive systems aren't developed enough. It's totally normal. I found the sitting on my knees method the best for bringing wind up but my husband preferred putting our boys on his shoulder. Everyone finds their own way that they're more comfortable with.

Your partner is the issue in my opinion. He needs to stop criticising how you do things. He should be helping, not making you feel like a failure.

Incidentally, I bottle fed my eldest as I struggled to get him to latch but now my youngest is still breastfeeding at 22 months. Wind was FAR worse for my eldest so bottle feeding isn't necessarily the answer. Feed your baby how you want and make sure your partner supports you.

Also - congratulations! Everything is so overwhelming at this stage. It does get easier.

There are skills you learn along the way (and they are specific to your baby so you can’t fast track it!). She is only one week old, I’d be amazed if you were confident in anything. It’s totally normal to feel that way.
However you choose to feed is up to you, but generally speaking bottle fed babies have more wind than breastfed babies so I don’t think switching will solve that challenge.

What makes him the expert?

Seriously he’s checking your babies latch? I would politely ask him to back the fuck off and change his own diet

If it makes you feel better my friend phoned and asked for an urgent GP appointment for her 2 week old 2nd child because he wouldn't stop screaming. She said she was sure there was something seriously wrong to the receptionists and they came come down straight away.

So she grabbed him and ran all the way leaving old one with the neighbours.

As she opened the door to the surgery he let out an enormous burp and settled down happily.
It was "just" wind.

She said she did feel silly.

Babies are typically very windy early on, it's not you it's just babies! They have immature digestive systems. Bicycle legs can be good for bottom wind and look up the magic burp of YouTube, not everyone can manage it but if you do it's like all the air rushes out of them in a massive man burp. You're doing just fine, your OH is panicking because he doesn't have any control over the situation. Remind him you're also learning on the job xx

Your partner needs to butt out of the breastfeeding.

Honestly, I've been a parent for 20 years now and I can say with confidence the only thing every parent has on common is that we are all just winging it.

You don't need to be judged, you just need to try different things and see what works for you and baby.

Your little one has been on this planet for a week, you are both learning and getting to know each other.

You're not a failure, you're a totally normal mum with a partner who needs to learn to stop trying to control everything

He's making you feel like crap because he's making you feel like crap.

You are doing a sterling job. Bf is fecking hard work. Bloody well done x

He needs to back the fuck off

Can you find a breastfeeding consultant for help and advice?

Also I bf 2 babies to 18 months and I can't get a burp out of any infant - couldnt then and can't now!

Also it might not be wind. It may be that baby is overtired. It can be hard to tell and that’s what drives you mad sometimes. Try and just go with the flow and listen to your gut instinct.

Tell your partner when he can breastfeed he gets to have an opinion. Can you get more support with BF?

congratulations!!

I think people could be confused about your AIBU...I put you are being unreasonable to feel like a failure - because you're absolutely not. I think others are thinking you are not being unreasonable - but your partner perhaps is! X

Aren't you lucky that your baby's father is a breastfeeding expert! Or - is he mouthing off about shit he knows nothing about? Tell him to wind his neck in. Are there any breastfeeding support groups running at the moment near you? If so they are great for providing (useful) advice and support.

Bottle feeding may be right for you long term but if you quit breastfeeding just because your partner is an unsupportive arse you'll be furious with yourself in years to come.

Your dh sounds like many a keen new parent. Tell him the focus is to intense and he needs to take you both out from under this microscope because it is preventing you from feeling permitted to 'feel your way through' (which is all any new parent does and is a necessary part of the process) which itself is key to getting your confidence.
She's developing physically, you're learning the ropes, he needs to resist trying to tweak and correct so much or he'll stick all the oxygen out of the room on this matter.
Tell him that, and know his keen - ness is normal but so is the fact that it is squashing the life of of you.
At this stage in this issue you support baby, he supports you... Anything else won't work.

You're doing a great job. Your baby is a whole new person that you both need to get to know, your partner isn't inherently an expert. Tell him to back off (nicely if he's well-meaning but a moron, not so nicely if he's purposely trying to make you feel crap!)

Gaarrgggh, hope you speak fluent auto correct!

I was crap at winding both of my dds. Just couldn’t do it. DH was much better so I BF then handed them over to him.
They did seem more windy after I had eaten certain foods so he’s not totally wrong. However, he should stop with the negativity. Can’t remember exactly what other than grapes.
Congratulations and crack on how your doing. You’re doing a fab job. We all just wing it.

The midwife can help with winding technique. Congratulations, this is a hard job but you're the best parent for your baby. You'll learn together ❤

I was terrible at winding/burping my dd and a few of my friends were the same. We all were of the opinion that our (male) partners were much better at it, no idea why. But even if your dp is better at it than you, you still need to be allowed to find your own way of doing it and it’d be more helpful if he tried to support you than supervise you. I am glad your dp is very involved but he does sound ott - as pp said maybe due to feeling anxious? Bf is very tricky and you’re not a failure - nobody tells you how hard it is. I combination fed as didn’t have enough milk; also felt initially I failed somehow; now looking back I know it’s nonsense and my dd is amazing and thriving so who cares, I did the best I could. All you can do is the best you can - if it’s too tricky it’s okay to feed formula (or combination feed); if you feel able to keep going with bf that’s great too but remember you don’t have to, and it’s not worth losing your sanity over. Sending lots of love 💕💕 Ps I agree with another pp that we’re all just winging it. I think we all just get by somehow..

Bottle feeding isn’t the answer

You’re doing fab don’t worry. Tiny babies are windy, it’ll hopefully calm down.

Tell your partner to pipe down and butt out until asked!

I could never wind mine, don't know why, just didn't seem to work no matter what I did. Also had no idea what any of his cries meant, how to get him to latch on so my nipples weren't shredded or how to get him to sleep anywhere but a car seat. It really wasn't easy but we muddled through somehow and thankfully it eventually got easier.

It's quite possible that OH thinks all his 'observations' and comments are somehow helpful and useful and demonstrate what a great father he is. You need to set him straight. Tell him what he is doing to your confidence and tell him what you need him to do to make you feel supported. Don't let him put you off BFing, you're doing great!!

People really overthink wind in babies. Wind is normal. We all have it. It is a by product of digestion and new for newborns as they establish milk feeds. Why is he seeing it as a problem/something wrong??
Is baby settled/gaining weight/having plenty of wet and dirty nappies??

It's quite possible that OH thinks all his 'observations' and comments are somehow helpful and useful and demonstrate what a great father he is. You need to set him straight. Tell him what he is doing to your confidence and tell him what you need him to do to make you feel supported. Don't let him put you off BFing, you're doing great!!

This is excellent advice

I had similar issues with my second baby, even taking them to A&E because their tummy was so swollen when they were a few days old and it turned out to be wind. Both my first and second babies were exclusively breastfed and the first rarely/never needed winding. The second baby was very windy and I had to trial many different ways to wind them. I’d fed both babies exactly the same way, they were just different babies.

You’re doing a great job and it will get easier. Ask your DP to stop criticising and suggest ways he can be supportive such as changing nappies and bringing you drinks/snack.