Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect the person who invited me to coffee to host?

46 replies

SaraKatie · 25/11/2021 15:06

My friend asked me if I wanted to have coffee this evening. I replied yes and asked would she like to meet at her place or go out somewhere. She replied saying she'd assumed we'd go to mine.

I'm 26 weeks pregnant, have a 22 month old and work full time, and I'm currently working from home due to covid and I'm sick of the sight of the place. I don't have time to run out and grab a few bits to give her, or to do a quick tidy of the place (toddler toys everywhere, haven't been keeping as on top of it as usual because I'm exhausted with this pregnancy). Friend is single, no kids, also lives in a house (so she can easily host). But, more importantly, she invited me to coffee, not the other way around!

AIBU to expect the person who invites to either host or at least suggest a coffee shop?

I replied saying I wasn't in a position to have her over this evening, but happy to meet elsewhere. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable for thinking it's a bit odd to invite yourself over like that!

OP posts:
CheddarGorgeous · 25/11/2021 15:08

YANBU. Maybe she assumed you couldn't get a babysitter?

Kanaloa · 25/11/2021 15:09

Bit weird to invite someone to their own home - usually you wait to be invited to their house, not say ‘shall we meet at your home for coffee?’ However, if she’s generally a good friend she’s probably just missed the mark. Maybe she thought you would be more likely to agree to meet at yours because of your toddler?

Nothing wrong with saying let’s meet at the cafe/coffee shop for more of a relaxed time.

notacooldad · 25/11/2021 15:12

I cant speak for everyone but in my social group we each invite ourselves over to the others! We must be a group of happy CFs!🤣🤣🤣
Its ' Hey shall I come to yours tomorrow?' ' Hi I can call in on my home from work if you are free'
Theres only two realistic answers one is ' yeah, sure' the other is ' no can't do that one'

I dont think its rude or anything if it's with mates and it's not always one sided.
However I know people on MN aren't going to agree!

nitsandwormsdodger · 25/11/2021 15:13

In your situation I would expect someone to come to my house , how are you going to control a toddler in a cafe ? That’s no fun , my friends come to mine , mess and all and bring cake and my toddler is safe to run wild

FinallyHere · 25/11/2021 15:13

If you would rather not host, should be easy enough to say "I'd rather go out"

I would have assumed that you might prefer to stay at home.

No biggie, though, is it?

BobMortimersTrout · 25/11/2021 15:14

I suspect she was being thoughtful as you're pregnant and have a toddler, so she thought may not want to go out / have childcare. Just make it clear to her you want to get out of the house!

Sirzy · 25/11/2021 15:14

Maybe she assumed not having to go out would be easier for you?

RitaFires · 25/11/2021 15:15

That is a bit strange, I'd expect someone to ask if they could call over if that's what they wanted. If someone suggests coffee I'd assume they meant we were going to meet somewhere that serves coffee. In fact I'd also expect them to say their place as part of the invitation if they wanted to host.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 25/11/2021 15:16

I don't know. I usually find my friends with young children expect me to go to them. I wouldn't really invite them to mine unless I knew they had childcare. I haven't got the time or inclination to child proof the house. Also one of my friends thinks it's funny for her son to torment my cat (wasn't so funny when the cat gave him a smack).

Original poster
SaraKatie · 25/11/2021 15:21

Toddler will be in bed as she will only ever meet after 20.30 during the week (she works long hours). Husband will be home so going out isn't an issue.

It's possible she was trying to be considerate, but she annoyingly seems to decide quite often that I wouldn't possibly be able to attend certain events because I have a toddler/am pregnant, when in reality that's not the case. She definitely seems to think life ends when you have kids.

OP posts:
thisplaceisweird · 25/11/2021 15:23

in my friendship group this would be more than fine, and I'd feel more than comfortable to say what you've posted here right back if I didn't want to do it here... no type it out on a public forum. Just tell her 'actually can we go out? been stuck here all week and I'd like a change of scenery!'

No need for all the drama

thisplaceisweird · 25/11/2021 15:24

It's possible she was trying to be considerate, but she annoyingly seems to decide quite often that I wouldn't possibly be able to attend certain events because I have a toddler/am pregnant, when in reality that's not the case. She definitely seems to think life ends when you have kids.

Ah ok, it makes sense now. She's already annoyed you and this just pushed it over the edge. Maybe just say no and go out for a coffee on your own to get some headspace.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 25/11/2021 15:27

Who goes out for coffee at 8.30pm? Id be awake all night Grin

steppemum · 25/11/2021 15:28

well I think it depends on the friendship and the wording.

One friend texts me and says - fancy a coffee? If I say yes, then she comes ot mine. Mainly because in her house her family are around, and in my house, we can go in the lounge and shut the door.

Other people might say - shall we meet for a coffee? then we'll decide where.
Others will say do you want to come over for a coffee, so i asusme I'm going to theirs.

This really isn't CF territory. You just need to say - Oh sick of the sight of my house, let's go to...

madisonbridges · 25/11/2021 15:36

I think it depends on the person. I have a friend who's like open house and you can invite yourself over whenever. I'm very much not like that. I was thinking about a bbq at my house and, jokingly, said I thought I'd change the venue to hers, and she said, "that's no problem. Just name the date." She is a VERY lovely friend.

Also with my friends, I'm happy to say, "no, the house is a tip, or I want a change of scenery." So I don't think what she did was unreasonable. But if she took offence at you saying no, then she'd be unreasonable.

Original poster
SaraKatie · 25/11/2021 15:38

@ZeroFuchsGiven

Who goes out for coffee at 8.30pm? Id be awake all night Grin
We call it going for coffee. Realistically she'd probably have wine and I'd have tea.
OP posts:
Original poster
SaraKatie · 25/11/2021 15:39

@thisplaceisweird

in my friendship group this would be more than fine, and I'd feel more than comfortable to say what you've posted here right back if I didn't want to do it here... no type it out on a public forum. Just tell her 'actually can we go out? been stuck here all week and I'd like a change of scenery!'

No need for all the drama

I don't think it's particularly dramatic to ask if I'm being unreasonable, I genuinely wanted to know. I just replied to her saying my place won't suit tonight, and could we go out somewhere if her place won't work. But I was wondering if I was the strange one for finding her inviting herself over a bit odd.
OP posts:
mumda · 25/11/2021 15:41

Maybe her house is worse than yours?

Are you proper friends or just "people you are tidier than" friends?

lololololollll · 25/11/2021 15:42

@ZeroFuchsGiven

Who goes out for coffee at 8.30pm? Id be awake all night Grin
That's what I thought. I own a coffee shop and really don't think any of us stay open after 6 🤣
QforCucumber · 25/11/2021 15:43

Not odd in our group, If I'm near a friends house that evening or vice versa a text will pop up just saying 'brew?' the Responses of 'Can't, baby being a nuisance' or 'I'm out' or 'kettles on' are all totally normal between us.

Original poster
SaraKatie · 25/11/2021 15:43

I'm not a pop in kind of person, but I can see that others are. In my social circle and family it doesn't happen – we'd always wait to be invited or at least check first. The idea of popping in unannounced makes me very uncomfortable!

OP posts:
Original poster
SaraKatie · 25/11/2021 15:44

@mumda

Maybe her house is worse than yours?

Are you proper friends or just "people you are tidier than" friends?

I don't know what those are... but no we are proper friends and her house is like a museum because she's very tidy and doesn't have kids.
OP posts:
Original poster
SaraKatie · 25/11/2021 15:45

We don't live in the UK. There are lots of late coffee places or coffee/wine/crepe kind of places here.

OP posts:
nocnoc · 25/11/2021 15:48

YANBU BUT
sign of best friends is when they invite themselves over and it’s al ok and you can be in your PJs with shit everywhere and nobody notices or cares. Anything else is second rate friendship to be honest

PurpleDaisies · 25/11/2021 15:51

I feel like there might be more drip feeds to come.

With the information that you have a toddler, I can see why she might think coming to you would help you out.

It’s not exactly difficult to fix though, is it? It looks quite like you want to be angry at your friend over a really minor thing.