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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect the person who invited me to coffee to host?

46 replies

SaraKatie · 25/11/2021 15:06

My friend asked me if I wanted to have coffee this evening. I replied yes and asked would she like to meet at her place or go out somewhere. She replied saying she'd assumed we'd go to mine.

I'm 26 weeks pregnant, have a 22 month old and work full time, and I'm currently working from home due to covid and I'm sick of the sight of the place. I don't have time to run out and grab a few bits to give her, or to do a quick tidy of the place (toddler toys everywhere, haven't been keeping as on top of it as usual because I'm exhausted with this pregnancy). Friend is single, no kids, also lives in a house (so she can easily host). But, more importantly, she invited me to coffee, not the other way around!

AIBU to expect the person who invites to either host or at least suggest a coffee shop?

I replied saying I wasn't in a position to have her over this evening, but happy to meet elsewhere. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable for thinking it's a bit odd to invite yourself over like that!

OP posts:

Madmog · 25/11/2021 15:52

Message her back and tell her you've got a babysitter, so would like to get out while you can. If she's a friend, she'll be fine with that.

HesterShaw1 · 25/11/2021 15:57

Well don't then! God, the drama

ElftonWednesday · 25/11/2021 15:59

@HesterShaw1

Well don't then! God, the drama

🤣🤣

notacooldad · 25/11/2021 16:02

I'm not a pop in kind of person, but I can see that others are. In my social circle and family it doesn't happen – we'd always wait to be invited or at least check first. The idea of popping in unannounced makes me very uncomfortable!
But this isn't unannounced. You are making arrangements between the two of you.

What a load of hand wringing drama over a meet up with a friend!!

Ktay · 25/11/2021 16:03

@PurpleDaisies

I feel like there might be more drip feeds to come.

With the information that you have a toddler, I can see why she might think coming to you would help you out.

It’s not exactly difficult to fix though, is it? It looks quite like you want to be angry at your friend over a really minor thing.

She mentions her toddler in the OP…

Bunce1 · 25/11/2021 16:05

It’s a bit weird.

What has she replied?

milkysmum · 25/11/2021 16:09

It doesn't sound like you are friends if you think it's cheeky that she said she was calling round for a brew?? Very odd on you I'd say- not her.

greenlynx · 25/11/2021 16:10

I’m not a pop in kind of person at all but I think it’s ok invite yourself over to a friend. However you should word it exactly this: can I pop in to yours for a chat? And you shouldn’t expect yes in response at all.
It’s a strange invite from your friend.

PurpleDaisies · 25/11/2021 16:11

She mentions her toddler in the OP…

I didn’t mean that but I can see how my post read as if it did. I just meant that since the op has a toddler, it’s pretty reasonable for a good friend to think meeting at the op’s house would be helpful. The later information makes it sound like the op doesn’t like the friend much.

CSJobseeker · 25/11/2021 16:20

I think she was probably assuming that it would be easier for you to be at yours. I know my friends with small children find it hard to get out and will often want me to come to them.

Just be upfront and say that you'd rather not - for the reasons you give in your OP. Surely she'll understand?

ancientgran · 25/11/2021 16:23

I'd just tell her I'm desperate to get out as I'm stir crazy so can we meet somewhere else. Nothing wrong with that.

cookiemonster2468 · 25/11/2021 16:23

It sounds like she might have assumed you would be happier staying home/ it would be easier for you in your situation.

Doesn't have to be a big deal, just say you'd really like to get out of the house and find a nice cafe. She's just missed the mark, she's got no kids so probably has no idea how you're feeling and was well intentioned.

cookiemonster2468 · 25/11/2021 16:25

@SaraKatie

Toddler will be in bed as she will only ever meet after 20.30 during the week (she works long hours). Husband will be home so going out isn't an issue.

It's possible she was trying to be considerate, but she annoyingly seems to decide quite often that I wouldn't possibly be able to attend certain events because I have a toddler/am pregnant, when in reality that's not the case. She definitely seems to think life ends when you have kids.

She is just trying to be considerate but has missed the mark, so tell her.

You can't know how someone feels if they don't tell you.

Benjispruce5 · 25/11/2021 16:39

Coffee after 8.30pm??? I’d be wired.

Snoken · 25/11/2021 16:40

It sounds weird that she assumes it will be in your house. I would hate that.

But also, you are pregnant, have a toddler and work FT, how do you have energy to meet up with anyone after 8.30pm on a week night? That is impressive!

reader12 · 25/11/2021 16:50

It’s fine for good friends to invite themselves round, but if so she should have said can I come round to yours tonight and you should be free to say I’d much rather come to yours or go out - I’m sick of the sight of my place, and for that to be fine. It’s shouldn’t be such hard work.

Gonnagetgoing · 25/11/2021 16:53

@SaraKatie

Toddler will be in bed as she will only ever meet after 20.30 during the week (she works long hours). Husband will be home so going out isn't an issue.

@SaraKatie - she's being slightly inconsiderate saying that she can only ever meet after 20.30 during the week in my opinion.

It's good that your husband can mind the kids and I agree that your life doesn't end when you have kids provided you factor in bedtimes, dinner times etc (I'm single no kids but understand how friends with kids work their lives at home out!).

I'd actually tell her in a polite way that life doesn't end when you have kids and actually that you welcome seeing friends and going out without them. I do think though, some friends without kids make unfair assumptions re life ending when you do have kids.

Just out of interest where would be open for coffee after 20.30 where you live?

Anybridget7 · 25/11/2021 16:54

You sound highly strung. Your friend sounds considerate and thoughtful.

Gonnagetgoing · 25/11/2021 16:54

@Benjispruce5

Coffee after 8.30pm??? I’d be wired.

@Benjispruce5 - a few years ago I made the mistake of going on a coffee date after work (met at 6pm) and had 2 large cappucinos and was definitely wired!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/11/2021 20:45

I think if someone meant they wanted to come to you, it would be usual to word it that way. So “shall I / can I pop over to you for coffee on Friday” rather than “do you fancy a coffee”.

I’d just say “I’d rather go out thanks as I’m sick of my place / would like to get out and about and the house/ flat is a bit of a mess”

PugInTheHouse · 25/11/2021 20:53

YANBU to suggest going out but I would be more than comfortable to either have a friend invite themselves round or invite myself to theirs.

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